How to Steward Life Checkpoints

Note: The following is a second guest post from my good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling, Pastor Rob Green. Check out the original post here. And bookmark Pastor Rob’s excellent blog Counseling with Confidence and Compassion.

From time to time the Lord provides a checkpoint in life. Consider with me some of the many that could be mentioned:

1. The death of a close friend or family member.

2. The reception of some very unwelcome news (e.g. job loss, health diagnosis).

3. When a birthday comes and they begin to think that they have already lived most of their time on earth.

4. When a child gets married, goes to college, or enters a new phase of school (e.g. Jr. High, Sr. High, etc).

5. When they realize that their dreams of the high paying job with all the perks that go with it will not come true.

These checkpoints, like spots on a map, remind us that life on this earth is not all there is. Our destination is ultimately Christlikeness with Him in Heaven. These checkpoints confront us with the reality that fewer things matter and they remind us that the few things that do matter, matter more. So, how do you and I steward opportunities like this and help our counselees do the same?

Certainly we can agree that these opportunities should not be wasted, right? So, how is it that these opportunities can be used for the Glory of God and the progress of the gospel? What follows is far from comprehensive, but Lord willing it will be a help to many of you, like me, who got a few checkpoints this year.

# 1: Rather Than Sulk in Self-pity, Commit to “Redeeming the Time”

Psalm 90:12 instructs us to number or days so we may present a heart of wisdom while Ephesians 5:15 says that we must make the most of your time because the days are evil. Sometimes when people are confronted with these checkpoints they run, hide, and go into a shell. The problem with that approach is that is the exact opposite of what we should do.

All human life is short – we are here today and gone tomorrow. So our time, whatever amount we have, must be lived with purpose and meaning. Every believer is a representative of God. Therefore, help your counselees to use the checkpoint to move forward – to be more committed, to be more focused, to be more passionate about the things of the Lord. Neighbors need to hear the gospel, children need to be taught truth, friends need to be discipled and encouraged, and the Lord should be magnified in your speech and actions. Don’t sulk in self pity.

# 2: Rather Than become Bitter and Angry, Confess Your Heart to the Lord and Commit to Trust Him

For those that get shocking checkpoints – the lost job, the cancer diagnosis, the tragedy in the family – be careful. In Ephesians 4:32 we are told to put off all anger and all bitterness. It is easy to get upset at the Lord during these checkpoints. But I want to encourage us to follow the pattern in the Psalms or in Habakkuk where shocking news or challenging circumstances are followed by running to the Lord. Rather than run away from him in anger or bitterness, the biblical authors ran to the Lord and then chose to trust Him (read the prayer in Habakkuk 3). We do not always understand the ways of the Lord and the reasons He chooses to do what He does. However, we can trust in a God who is good and in a God who loves us and in a God who will use whatever trouble may come to bring Him glory and make us like Christ.

# 3: Rather Than Believe You Are Getting the “Raw End of the Deal,” Believe That God Has Already Been Better to You Than You Deserve

These checkpoints in life encourage some folks to believe that they were somehow and in some way mistreated by the Lord. They got the raw end of the deal. If only they were faster, stronger, more coordinated, quicker, smarter, better looking, then their dreams could have come true. But as it is God has not given them those things. That is where Ephesians 1-3 come in. God has poured out on you every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. God’s grace reached down to you and plucked you from the pit. God sent His Spirit to be a seal on His promises. If we get nothing other than the gospel we have gotten far more than we deserve. The checkpoints may remind us that there are some pleasures of life that we might never experience, but they also should push us to remember that a glorious eternity is yet in store.

# 4: Rather Than View This Life as Having the “Best,” Remember That in the Life to Come You Will Be Like Jesus for You Will See Him as He Is

We, like our counselees, can also be tempted to think that our best days and our best memories are in the here and now. If only we had the perfect vacation, if only we had the chance to see ________ (Paris, Tokyo, the Grand Canyon), if only we could see our kids grown up, then our life would be fulfilled. We need to help our counselees remember that the best will come when our current bodies are replaced with heavenly ones, when our sin is forever removed and we are like our savior Jesus, and where we will enjoy the light of His radiance rather than our current sun. We may ask the Lord to grant us the privilege of raising children, walking our daughters down the aisle, or meeting a grandchild, but we are mistaken if we believe these things are the “best.” Checkpoints point us forward to a future with our savior.

# 5: Remember That Sometimes the Lord Asks You to Remember Him When You Have Blessings Overflowing and He Asks You to Trust Him When You Despair Even of Life

While all the checkpoints bring challenges there are others that bring fear. If given the choice many of us would rather drop dead from a heart attack then go through the suffering of a disease that slowly kills us. For some believers, the thought of dying of cancer is far easier to handle than the thought of living with it. Dying at least represents “being absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.” The living with cancer means surgery, doctor visits, chemo, radiation, sickness, pain, and hardship. Allow these thoughts to linger and you will despair of life. Paul reminds us that there was a time in his own life where he despaired of his existence. Life was so hard and so bad that death seemed not only imminent but better. Yet in 2 Corinthians 1:8-11, Paul reminds us all that this hardship had a purpose – to trust in God! None of us particularly enjoys the thought of trusting God in the midst of great suffering – we would rather trust God in the midst of blessing! Sometimes, however, God calls us to suffer and with the call to suffering comes the call to trust Him and to demonstrate His great power amidst our great weakness.

There are, of course, many other things that can be said. But Lord willing I hope that this may help us deal with our own checkpoints and help others deal with theirs.

Join the Conversation

How have you stewarded your own “checkpoints”?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Faith Biblical Counseling, Guest Post, Rob Green

Union with Christ and the Real Power for Change

Note: The following is a guest post from my good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling, Pastor Rob Green. Check out the original post here. And bookmark Pastor Rob’s excellent blog Counseling with Confidence and Compassion.

Have you ever acted like a personal trainer in your counseling?

You know what that looks like; it is “3 truths for this,” “2 principles for that,” and “5 ways for accomplishing this…” In other words, the Bible becomes simply a set of principles to follow. When this happens, you slip into thinking that if only your counselees could do two more “sets” then they will finally get over the hump and the change with be lasting? There are two fundamental problems with this approach.

First, the Bible is not simply a set of principles. Does the Scripture include principles? Of course, but those principles are set in the context of relationship. The blessings of living as a follower of Christ include knowing the whole story and having the indwelling Holy Spirit. One of the testimonies of the Scriptures is that principles (or law, if you will) are never enough. The commands found in Scripture must be carried out in the midst of relationship or else nothing of Spiritual value and significance will be accomplished.

Second, it can appear to counselees that obedience to a set of principles is the primary task of the believer in Christ. This again is not exactly right. The real issue, testified by the story line of Scripture, is that we are God’s image bearers being made into the perfect image bearer – Jesus. In practice, Jesus summarized our task in Matthew 22:37-40 saying that we are to love the Lord our God with everything we are and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Thus, the point of counseling is to help our counselees love the Lord more than ever before. Part of our task is helping them be more impressed with Jesus, who in great love gave Himself for the counselee, than to simply obey a set of principles. Must they obey? Yes, but that obedience comes in response to understanding who God is and all that God has done in Christ.

So, if counselors are supposed to emphasize union with Christ as the real power for change, then how do we get that done? Here are three ideas, certainly not the only ideas, to help you make Union with Christ more important in your counseling.

Idea # 1: During the Session, Emphasize Christ

The counseling session is a give-and-take; it is a dialogue, humanly speaking, between you and another person. While we would confess the presence and dependence of God in the session, it is helpful if we make it obvious. Lead in prayer in a way that expresses dependency on the risen Savior for anything of value to be accomplished during your meeting. Ask questions and give responses in such a way that Christ is the motivation for what we do and He is the one who should get preeminence in all that happens in our lives. Set Scripture passages you want to discuss within the story line of the Bible. At some level, the text you are talking about has some relationship to Christ…so tell your counselee what that connection might be. In other words, we are advocating a conversation between two people that is surrounded by an emphasis on Christ. In that way, it is even possible to speak of a trialogue. There is you, your counselee, and Christ through the pages of the Scripture.

Idea # 2: Assign Homework that Encourages Them to Focus on Christ

We want homework to be practical. We want our counselees to know exactly what to do when they leave. However, it is possible to write homework that never directs the counselee to think about or focus on Christ. Homework can appear to simply tell them to do this or to do that without encouraging them to be this or be that. Thus, it can appear to a counselee that the time away from counseling is somehow fundamentally different than the time in counseling. Instead, homework should again bring Christ front and center. This will put your counselees in the best possible position to be thinking of Jesus while they live out their week. Not only is this more pleasing to God (as if that weren’t enough!), but it also prepares them for life without you.

Idea # 3: Remind Them that Abiding in the Vine is the Pathway to Growth in Christ Long after Counseling Concludes

In John 15 the disciples were plainly told “without me you can do nothing.” The whole concept of fruit bearing in John 15 has to do with abiding in the vine. Without the source of nourishment from the vine, no branch can produce fruit. In counseling, sometimes the counselees act as if you, the counselor, are the vine. You tell them what to do, you hold them accountable, you fuss at them when they fail, and you praise them when they succeed. How can we honestly call that success? Our counselees need to be reminded over and over again that fruit bearing in their lives comes from their relationship to Jesus, not us. While we want to be an instrument in Jesus’ hand, our counselees should never confuse the “instrument” with the “Jesus.” When your counselee is more concerned about what Jesus thinks than what you or anyone else thinks, that person is in the process of making change permanent.

Genuine change that glorifies God is rooted theologically in the fact that every believer is in union with Christ (see Romans 6-8). Let us, as counselors, seek to emphasize that truth and ensure that if our counselees hear nothing else – they will at least hear that Jesus is king and in him is the power for change.

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Faith Biblical Counseling, Guest Post, Rob Green

Speaking the Truth in Love: Biblical Confrontation

The Big Idea: Learn biblical principles of mutual confrontation in love. (Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.)

Biblical confrontation has earned a “bum rap.” To correct that, consider the following biblical definition based upon 2 Timothy 2:25.

• Confrontation shows people how they are intoxicated by the lies of the world, the flesh, and the Devil.

In 2 Timothy 2:25, Paul commands Timothy to “gently instruct (confront, correct) those who oppose themselves.” The phrase “oppose themselves” develops from the Greek word for antithesis, a contrary position. In the middle tense as it is here, it means to stand opposed to oneself, to place oneself in opposition to oneself.

Confrontation shows Christians how they are standing opposed to themselves. It exposes how believers are living inconsistently with their new hearts—as new creations in Christ. It demonstrates how their lives are inconsistent with their stated beliefs. It reveals how they are buying the lie of the Satan’s work’s narrative rather than being rooted in the truth of Christ’s grace narrative. Confrontation points out discrepancies.

In 2 Timothy 2:22-26, Paul explains the character of the confronter, the process of confrontation, the goal of confronting, and the true enemy in confrontation.

“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him (oppose themselves) he must gently instruct (confront, correct), in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”

The Character of the Confronter

Confrontation requires the character quality of integrity. To confront another person, Timothy first has to confront himself. He has to flee (put off) evil desires and pursue (put on) godly affections. He removes the log from his eye by living out of a pure heart, before he confronts the heart of another.

Confrontation also requires humility. Timothy shuns fights, quarrels, and stupid arguments. Instead, he is to be kind and patient toward others, especially with those who are refractory. He sees himself as the Lord’s servant voluntarily under Christ’s authority.

Confrontation further requires spirituality. Biblical confrontation is not bold and bullying. It is gentle and patient. In confronting, Timothy practices patience (2:24). That is, he bears up under wrong. When confronting others, they frequently become displeased with him. To bear up without resentment, Timothy needs forbearance.

Timothy is also to confront in meekness (2 Timothy 2:25). Meekness includes a temper of spirit and managed strength released with gentleness, humility, and concern. The meek person neither fights against God nor enters power struggles with others. The meek spiritual friend displays the opposite of self-assertion and self-interest.

The Process of Confrontation

The process of confrontation requires the ability to teach (2:24). Timothy needs to skillfully relate doctrine to conduct. He has to relate truth to human relationships.

Paul uses the phrase “gently instruct” to describe the nature of such teaching. The Greek word relates to schooling and in this context emphasizes corrective instruction.

Its root form literally means to train children. Such child training requires practicality. It also necessitates explanation, as opposed to simply handing down rules by fiat. Much more than mere exhortation to stop a behavior, it involves instruction in the process of heart change leading to behavioral change.

The process of confrontation also requires savvy. “Those who oppose themselves he must gently confront in the hope that God will grant them repentance” (2:25, author’s translation, emphasis added). Timothy avoids power struggles and a quarrelsome spirit by realizing that it is not his role, but God’s, to bring about repentance. His role is simply to gently instruct by demonstrating discrepancies.

The Goal of Confrontation

The goal of instructive correction (confrontation) is maturity: love out of a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith (1 Timothy 1:5). Thus the goal is virtue (2 Peter 1:3-11): character, not simply content.

Biblical instruction/confrontation includes a presentation of a clear worldview (grace narrative) and the implications derived from it (grace relationships). Confrontation promotes spiritual development through personal influence; it is the relational presentation of God’s worldview. It skillfully explores any discrepancies between grace narratives and works narratives and grace relationships and works relationships.

Paul further develops the goal of gentle biblical confrontation when he writes, “that they may recover themselves” (2 Timothy 2:26, author’s translation). Thus, the goal is sobriety and sanity. To “recover” means to return to soberness as from a state of delirium where one is under the control of an outside element—the controlling passions of the flesh, intoxicated with false worldviews, and snared by the Devil. Confrontation helps a person return to a sound mind—a whole, healthy mind that thinks and lives with integrity.

The True Enemy in Confrontation

The goal of confrontation points to the true enemy in confrontation—escape from the snare of the Devil who has taken them captive to do his will. “Snare” (2 Timothy 2:26) is a trap that fastens or holds fast, a net, a noose. Various ancient authors used the word for seductive women and for the Trojan Horse. A snare is anything that entices with something desirable. It promises pleasure, but gives pain. When snared, a believer is caught in the net of self-deception and captured by the Devil’s delusion.

So consider who the true enemy is here. Your counselee or parishioner is not the ultimate enemy, Satan is. He has taken the person captive. You attack Satan with God’s spiritual armor rather than attacking your spiritual friend.

Pictured how Paul paints it, confrontation is the loving presentation of truth applied to specific inconsisten areas of our spiritual friend’s life. When responded to positively, the results are freedom from the Devil’s seduction and freedom to live out God’s truth in love.

Join the Conversation

How could you apply biblical principles of mutual confrontation to your spiritual friendships?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Confrontation, Spiritual Friends

Gospel Conversations: The Remedy to “Take Two Verses and Call Me in the Morning”

The Big Idea: Do you want to remedy the shallow stereotype of “take two verses and call me in the morning?” Are you ready to stop putting band-aids on your friends’ suffering and sin? Then engage in mutual gospel conversations based upon a biblical way of looking at and living life. (Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.)

Gospel Conversations: Ephesians 4:29

People struggling with suffering and wrestling with besetting sins need whispers, not shouts. Don’t holler curses; whisper grace.

Caring gospel conversations use biblical wisdom principles to engage your spiritual friends in discussions that help them to think through their external situation and internal heart condition. The core relational competency necessary for this soul care art is the ability to trialogue.

In a monologue you speak to me, in a dialogue we speak to each other, and in trialogues together we listen to God as He speaks to us through His all-sufficient Word. In trialogues, we make the presence of God the central dynamic in our conversation. We interact in Jesus’ name helping people to face personal issues on a personal level. Our personal relationship with them helps them to deepen their personal relationship with Christ.

Gospel conversations invite your spiritual friends into an exchange so they can experience the passion of having been changed by grace. They invite your spiritual friends into a vivid, robust experience of grace narratives through grace relationships.

Consider just a sampling of biblical passages that depict trialogues:

• “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20).

• “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:12-13).

• “Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith . . . And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:22, 24-25).

The Shape of Gospel Conversations

The tongue has the capacity to offer life-giving resources that nourish the soul, or to be a power for life-draining energies that poison the soul. “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled: with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:20-21). Gospel conversations are good talk about our good God and Christ’s good news in the midst of our bad life in our sinful world.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Gospel conversations are grace conversations. Law conversations crush people and destroy relationships (compare Matthew 23). Grace conversations edify people and build relationships.

“Unwholesome” words are corrupt and rotten like decaying fruit. They’re putrid, defiling, and injuring words. They’re toxic speech—words that poison others, making their spirit sick. Paul’s emphasis is clear in the original language: “All words of rottenness, do not let come out of your mouth.” Spiritual friends restrain themselves, refusing to speak until they understand what words will be:

• Helpful: Good because they flow from moral character and promote beautiful living.

• Strengthening/Building Up Others: Edifying words that bring improvement and promote maturity.

• According to Their Need: Carefully chosen words that specifically fill up a need, meet a lack, minister to a want, or express care in a difficulty, where it is most necessary.

• Beneficial: Ministering grace. Attractive speech that helps others to receive God’s love poem and become God’s love poetry. They are grace-gift words—generously given, freely granted words that accept, that free, that empower, and that give hope.

To the Colossians, Paul writes, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Colossians 4:6). Grace words are words of connection, giving, affirming, accepting, freeing, and justifying. They are seasoned with salt—they preserve relationships with God, others, and self.

James, after describing the fiery and poisonous nature of words (James 3:1-8), notes that, “with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness” (James 3:9). In James 3:10-16, James teaches that Satan is the ultimate source of cursing words—harmful, hurtful, damaging words that wish a judgment upon someone.

The most harmful words involve cursing conversations, law relationships, and condemning speech filled with wrath and scorn. Grace words, by contrast, are motivated by purity, pursue peace, and produce the fruit of righteousness (James 3:17-18).

Join the Conversation

Who needs your grace words today? How will you minister to this person through gospel conversations?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Gospel Conversations, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Friends

Five Biblical Reasons for Spiritual Listening: God’s Word about Human Words

The Big Idea: Learn five biblical reasons why listening is a scriptural concept not a secular technique. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Listening carefully to people’s words is biblical, not secular. Listen to what God’s Word teaches about listening to human words:

• Words Are Powerful

• Words Are Meaningful

• Words Convey Soul Messages

• Words Are Worthy of Soulful Attentiveness

• Words Reflect One of Two Life Interpretations

Words Are Powerful: Proverbs 18:21

“The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21). That’s power. The tongue, says James, is a small body part with power far beyond its size (James 3:1-5a). “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire” (James 3:5b-6). That’s power. Listen carefully to the powerful, life and death words of your spiritual friends.

Words Are Meaningful: Proverbs 18:4; 20:5

“The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters” (Proverbs 18:4). “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out” (Proverbs 20:5). Words carry the soul’s longings, beliefs, purposes, and feelings. Through careful, caring listening, you perceive the depth of the soul. Through active, accurate listening, you draw out the meaning of the soul—the hidden desires, convictions, goals, and emotions.

Words Convey Soul Messages: Psalm 39:1-3; Matthew 12:33-37

“Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). Spoken words flow out of the depths of the heart revealing the content of the heart. The good heart bears nourishing fruit conveyed by wholesome words, while the evil heart bears poisonous fruit conveyed by unwholesome words. If you want to know your spiritual friends, then listen skillfully to their words.

Words Are Worthy of Soulful Attentiveness: Proverbs 18:13; James 1:19

“He who answers before listening—that is his folly, that is his shame” (Proverbs 18:13). “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). The caring soul carefully listens to words spoken from the soul.

Words Reflect One of Two Life Interpretations: Job 42:7

“After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has’” (Job 42:7). Job and his three friends witnessed one situation, but derived two vastly different interpretations. The set of information involved Job’s life experience. The first interpretation consisted of the works, condemnation, cursing, and shame narrative of life inspired by Satan. The second consisted of the grace, faith, openness, and acceptance narrative inspired by God. According to God, Job got him right; Job’s friends got God all wrong.

Whenever you listen, you listen for three sets of stories. Listen for your spiritual friends’ life stories: listen attentively to what they’re saying about what they’re experiencing. Then listen to two possible interpretations of their stories. Listen attentively for signs of Satan’s narrative creeping in. Additionally, listen attentively to God’s narrative gaining dominance. These competing interpretive frameworks are at work in every life story.

Join the Conversation

Which of the five biblical principles of spiritual listening is most important in your ministry to others? Why?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Listening, Proverbs, Spiritual Friends

Learn Six Biblical Principles of Spiritual Listening: LISTEN

The Big Idea: When your friend is hurting or struggling in life, learn how to LISTEN spiritually. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Use the following acrostic (LISTEN) to remind yourself of basic components of competent spiritual listening.

• L Loving Motivation: Proverbs 21:13

• I Intimate Concern: Galatians 6:1-3; Colossians 4:6; James 3:17-18

• S Slow to Speak: Proverbs 18:13; James 1:19

• T Timing: Proverbs 15:23; 25:11

• E Encouraging: Hebrews 3:7-19; 10:24-25

• N Need-Focused Hearing: Ephesians 4:29

L Loving Motivation: Proverbs 21:13

“If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry and not be answered” (Proverbs 21:13). As a loving spiritual friends, you are motivated, like God, to listen for, hear, care about, empathize with, and respond to the hurts of the wounded. What drives careful listening is not secular theory or human curiosity. Care does. Christ-like compassion does.

I Intimate Concern: Galatians 6:1-3; Colossians 4:6; James 3:17-18

Paul (Galatians 6:1-3; Colossians 4:6) emphasizes the humble, spiritual, gentle, and gracious concern that accompanies competent spiritual listening. James (James 3:17-18), in a context sandwiched between the use of the tongue and the cause of quarrels, explains that wisdom for living flows from a heart that loves people and peace, a soul that is considerate and submissive, and a mind that is impartial and sincere.

S Slow to Speak: Proverbs 18:13; James 1:19

James is emphatic. “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Solomon explains why. “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13). Remember a basic principle of spiritual friendship: hear your friend’s story before you tell God’s story to your friend.

T Timing: Proverbs 15:23; 25:11

“A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23). “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). “Apt” means fitting, timely, given in due season. As a skillful spiritual friend, speak words said at the right time, in the right way, for the right reason because of right listening.

E Exploring: Hebrews 3:7-19; 10:24-25

Both Hebrews 3 and 10 speak of encouraging in the context of exploratory listening. Before you encourage your friend, tune into, see, listen, and hear what is going on in your spiritual friend’s life (external situation) and heart (internal reaction).

N Need-Focused Hearing: Ephesians 4:29

Before speaking words that benefit others, listen for specific needs. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). As you listen, ask: “What is it that my spiritual friend most needs? What are his hurts and wounds? What are her fears and scars? What wholesome words relate to her specific situation? Specifically, given his situation, what words will benefit him?”

Join the Conversation

Of the six principles of spiritual listening, which one do you most need to develop further?

Who LISTENs spiritually to you?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Listening, Spiritual Friends

How to Build Grace Connections

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Three of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Read Part Two: Grace Connections. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Left Hanging

I left you hanging yesterday by telling you what not to do, but not sharing what to do. Glad you were patient. Here’s the how to.

How to Build Grace Connections: Galatians 6:1-3

Connecting is a commitment to love another person. It is compassionate discernment in action. It is not a technique to be mastered, but a way of life to be nurtured by personal communion with Christ. Communion with Christ leads to connection with others.

Galatians 6:1-3, in the context of Paul’s discussion of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, exposes how to build grace relationships.

1. Loving Motivation: “You who are spiritual.”

The fruit of the Spirit characterizes effective spiritual friends. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter who comes alongside to help in time of need. In the Spirit’s power, you are to be a friend acting in the best interest of your friend. You’re a friend acting on behalf of another, interceding for, defending, and advocating. You’re an encourager standing up for, standing behind, standing with, and standing back-to-back and alongside your spiritual friend. The “spiritual” person is like a coach who has been in the game, lost, struck out, but has some game experience that sure does help.

2. Intimate Friendship/Knowledge: “Brothers.”

Spiritual friendship requires intimate family relationship. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Picture best friends hiking a mountain. One has been there before, so she’s the guide who has found a few good routes and gladly shares them with her best friend.

Evaluation forms from folks who have been “counseled” by lay encouragers express this sense of intimate friendship. “Even though we had never met before, our times were like two friends walking together.” “I could feel your concern; we were on the same level.” “You accepted me. You didn’t scold me like a Mom, but were honest like a friend.”

3. Communicating Equality: “But watch yourself or you also may be tempted.” “Restore gently.”

Gentleness looks like a tamed stallion, strength under control, firm compassion, mature self-control, and power and love mingled through wisdom. Christ labels himself “gentle” in Matthew 11:29, saying that unlike the Pharisees who were sin-spotters and burden-givers, he was Rest-Giver and Sin-Bearer.

“Watch” (Galatians 6:1) is the Greek word skopon from which we gain our word “scope.” Put yourself under the microscope before examining your spiritual friend. As a grace connector, maintain a strong mental attention to your own potential temptability. Remain humble in spirit.

4. Demonstrated Commitment: “Restore.” “Carry each other’s burden.”

Paul places “restore” in the present, continual tense. Maintain a patient persistence in mending, furnishing, equipping, and setting the dislocated member of the body back in place. Picture the marathon runner. “I love you for the long haul. I’m in this relationship for a lifetime.” Picture the physical therapist who brings her patient back to the place of health by pushing without being pushy.

Paul also describes the spiritual friend as a committed burden-bearer. “Carry each other’s burden” (Galatians 6:2). God calls you to pick up and help carry the weight that overwhelms your friend. “Weight” means anything pressing on people physically, emotionally, or spiritually that makes a demand on their resources. When your friend’s platelets are low, become a spiritual blood transfusion of grace. When your friend’s RPMs are slowing, become their energy conduit.

Carrying each other’s burdens is not optional, nor the domain of a few. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Pastors can’t say, “I just want to preach from the pulpit,” not if they intend on fulfilling Christ’s law. Lay people can’t say, “That’s the pastor’s job,” not if they intend on obeying Christ’s law. Professional counselors can’t say, “I must maintain a professional distance,” not if they intend on living Christ’s law.

The Rest of the Story

You may be wondering, “But what does it look like and sound like?” Thanks for asking. In our next post we learn about Verbal Grace Connecting.

Join the Conversation

Of the four points outlined above from Galatians 6, which one do you think you most need to add to your spiritual friendship ministry?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Grace Connecting, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Friends

Grace Connecting: Exposure without Rejection

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Two of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What Grace Connecting Requires: Romans 5:6-8

Grace connection requires exposure without rejection, truth with relationship, curiosity rather than analysis, and face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. Christ models exposure without rejection in Romans 5:6-8. “While we were yet sinners” (exposure). “Christ died for us” (acceptance). Grace connection communicates, “I see you warts and all, and I still love you, accept you, like you, and move toward you.”

Paul models truth with relationship in Ephesians 4:15. He tells us that the essence of pastoral care involves speaking and living out the truth in love. Consider possible ways to do ministry:

• Truth Minus Relationship: Intimidation/Compliance

• Relationship Minus Truth: Indecision/Confusion

• Truth Plus Relationship: Internalization/Conformity to Christ

Jesus models curiosity versus analysis. At the end of John 2, John notes that Jesus knew all people universally and deeply. Yet, he did not allow his full knowledge to blind him to the uniqueness of individuals. Following John 2, Jesus engages two of the most diverse individuals imaginable: the Jewish male moral religious leader and the Samaritan female immoral irreligious follower. Reread both accounts and you’ll see his respect for each. His probing curiosity. His unique interactions and involvement.

Analysis views your spiritual friend as “a specimen” to be dissected, analyzed, and studied. Curiosity sees your spiritual friend as an image bearer to be experienced, a mystery to enter, and a soul to know.

We would all do well to tape the following prayer somewhere in our “counseling” office. Or better, somewhere in our soul.

The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

In John 3-4, Jesus models face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. He enters their individual worlds. He goes where they are, both geographically and soulfully. He becomes a cartographer of their soul, exploring their personal terrain.

With the woman at the well, in particular, he exposes his humanness. He’s authentic, open, vulnerable, and honest. He connects, touches, and moves toward. He’s anything but surface, fake, phony, uncaring, and distancing.

Building a Connected Spiritual Friendship: Galatians 6:1

How do you develop connected relationships? Exploring how not to develop grace relationships begins to answer that question.

How Not to Build Grace Connections: Job 16:2

Job accused his “friends” of being “miserable comforters.” The word “miserable” means troublesome, vexing, and sorrow-causing. They were the opposite of “comforters”—they were not consoling, sympathetic; they did not feel deeply Job’s hurt. They never said or conveyed in any way, “It’s normal to hurt.”

Instead of grace connecting, they practiced condemning distancing. Read the verses below and notice examples of their poor relational abilities flowing out of their poor theology (Job 42:7) and their cold hearts:

1. Superiority: Job 5:8; 8:2; 11:2-12; 12:1-3; 15:7-17

“We’re better than you. You’re inferior to us.”

2. Judgmentalism: Job 4:4-9; 15:2-6

“It’s not normal to hurt! Your suffering is due to your sinning!”

3. Advice without Insight/Discernment: Job 5:8; 8:5-6; 11:13-20; 42:7

“Here’s what I would do if I were you.” “Do this and life’s complexities will melt away.” “I have the secret that will fix your situation.” They offered quick, trite advice. They were rescuers, answer men, and cliché makers. 

The Rest of the Story

I know, you want to scream, “Don’t stop now! Not with what not to do!” Sorry. But come on back for Part Three: How to Build Grace Connections.

Join the Conversation

How would your relationships change if you prayed The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer? “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

Tags: Soul Care, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Friends, Spiritual Friendships

How to Care Like Christ: Offer GRACE

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part One of a new blog mini-series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What to Do After the Hug

When your friend comes to you in the throes of suffering, how can you help? What do you do after the hug? Or, put another way, “How can my spiritual friends and I engage in grace relationships that sustain their faith?”

This question begs another. “What is a grace relationship?” Grace relationships involve five one another relational competencies that I summarize using the acrostic GRACE:

• G Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6

• R Rich Soul Empathizing: Romans 12:15

• A Accurate/Active Spiritual Listening: John 2:23-4:43

• C Caring Spiritual Conversations: Ephesians 4:29

• E Empathetic Scriptural Explorations: Isaiah 61:1-3

Picture grace that helps others in their time of need. Picture Jesus. Picture caring like Christ.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:14-16).

What a perfect picture of grace relating. Jesus is not aloof, distant, or removed. In His incarnation, He went through the heavens to earth sharing in our humanity, becoming like us, so that He might help us (Hebrews 2:14-18). Jesus is not unsympathetic. He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities. He’s able to suffer with and be affected similarly to us. He has the same pathos, shares the same experience, has fellow feelings, endures a mutual participation, and partakes of a full acquaintance with us. He offers grace to help in our time of need—well-timed help, help in the nick of time, words aptly spoken in season and actions seasoned with grace.

We can become Jesus with skin on by expressing GRACE relational competencies. The first of which we aptly call “Grace Connecting”: personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person.

Grace Connecting: Committed Involvement—Proverbs 27:6

Grace connecting involves communion through communication. You have love in your heart for your spiritual friends. Do they know that? Can they feel it? Do they experience you? Grace connecting allows your passionate love to powerfully touch your spiritual friend.

Connecting is the foundational competency in the art of relationships. Spouses need it. So do parents, co-workers, teammates, friends, church members, and neighbors. We all need to become competent connectors. If we were, all professional helpers (social workers, counselors, and psychologists) would be superfluous, extra, excess, fluff.

The Need for Grace Connecting

There’s plenty of potential pain in spiritual friendship. Ponder what it’s like for you when another person becomes aware of the grief in your soul or the sin in your heart. Risk. Vulnerability. Exposure. Consider:

• How unpleasant it is when you experience and acknowledge devastating emotions (Psalm 42, Psalm 88) (emotional).

• How shameful it feels to admit your sinful motivations and actions, and to feel too weak to do anything about them (Romans 7, James 4-5, Hebrews 3) (volitional).

• How embarrassing it is to confess your mental confusion and sub-biblical images and beliefs about God, others, yourself, and life (Romans 8, 12, Ephesians 4) (rational).

• How vulnerable you feel when you open up about emptiness and thirsts in your soul (Romans 8:18-27) (relational).

• What it’s like to feel like your hurt is abnormal (sustaining).

• What it’s like to believe that it’s impossible to hope (healing).

• What it’s like to experience the horrors of your sin without understanding the wonders of God’s grace (reconciling).

• What it’s like to sense that you’ll never mature (guiding).

When people share about these issues, they need a trustworthy friend. They need grace relationships offered through grace connecting.

Defining Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6; 20:30

What is grace connecting? I often learn best by opposites, by poor examples. Let’s start with what grace connecting is not.

Grace Connecting Is Not

The following would not make the pain, risk, and vulnerability of spiritual friendship bearable.

• A Warm Feeling: “Boy, I feel neat when I’m with you.” Spiritual friendship is not always a pleasant experience.

• Sweetness: Merely reflecting and mirroring whatever your spiritual friend says. Non-directive acceptance of everything, including sin.

• A Stage in Counseling: “We’ll do connecting today and then drop it.”

• A Technique in Counseling: “Crying 101.” “Three steps to really caring.”

What Grace Connecting Is: Incarnation

Let’s develop from Scripture our definition of grace connecting: personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” Solomon teaches in Proverbs 27:6 (KJV).

“Wounds” are a splitting apart as a doctor does for surgery, an exposure. You enter the ER and say, “Doctor, my chest and the right side of my body are killing me!” You don’t want him to simply be sweet. “That must be really hard for you.” You want him to be skillful, competent—able to diagnose and treat your ailment. So, too, with spiritual friendship. You want to be able to compassionately diagnose heart issues, pulling open the soul and peering deeply inside.

“Faithful” means to support, to bear, to be trustworthy. Alonzo, facing the diagnosis of inoperable cancer, wants to be able to say about you, “I trust you with my soul.” “Faithful” also means to be strong, stable. Alonzo wants to know that his words will not overwhelm you. Touch you deeply, yes. Overwhelm you, no. As his wounds are opened, he wants to know that they will not make you faint, that you will not think less of him.

“Friend” literally means “one who loves you, lover.” The Scriptures use the same word in 2 Chronicles 20:7, calling Abraham God’s “forever friend.” Think of God’s grace relationship with Abraham—encounter, intimacy, fellowship, accountability, fidelity, stability—and you will picture grace connecting.

Proverbs 20:30 speaks of deep commitment to maturity. “Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.” “Cleanse” means to rub, to polish, to grind and buff repeatedly. Picture waxing your car, cleaning your silver. That’s hard work requiring time, effort, and commitment. Alonzo wants to know that you will use all your resources to help him in his time of need. Connection means that you are committed to Alonzo’s growth even when it hurts him and you.

The Rest of the Story

Join us next time as we learn how to practice the art of grace connecting.

Join the Conversation

Who ministers to you through grace connecting?

Tags: Soul Care, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Friends

Biblical Counseling: Is It Just for Spiritual Problems?

My friend, Ed Welch, at the excellent CCEF site posted a very helpful blog this week: Biblical Counseling: Is It Just for Spiritual Problems?

In his post, Ed begins to answer that question, and the answer is surely worth ready. Even more worth reading is Ed’s list of what other people say about biblical counseling. These stereotypes each deserve to be addressed. Here’s Ed’s list, in his own words.

As I try to listen to what others say about biblical counseling I can identify two categories of critique.

1. There are weaknesses in our actual counseling approach.

a. Biblical counseling is good for spiritual problems but not clinical ones.

b. Biblical counseling is good for sin but not for suffering, victimization or other problems from our pasts.

c. Biblical counseling has hurt me. Some people have been misunderstood or treated harshly by people who identified themselves as biblical counselors.

2. There are weaknesses in our position on modern psychology.

a. Biblical counseling avoids secular research to its detriment.

b. Biblical counseling is naïve in that it has been influenced by secular material but we deny that influence.

Join the Conversation

How would you address each of these stereotypes about biblical counseling?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, CCEF, Ed Welch