Spiritual Leadership and Humble Relationships: Part 4—Open Wide Your Heart

Note: This is Part 4 of a blog mini-series asking, “How does Paul relate and respond to the Corinthians who criticize him, and what can we apply to our lives as leaders?” Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. 

So Far…

In responding to criticism, Paul has:

• Affirmed those who criticize him by calling them holy and sanctified, thanking God for them, and by declaring them enriched in Christ and spiritually gifted!

• Focused his concern on the unity of the Body of Christ, the glory of Christ, and the goal of Christlikeness.

• Grounded his identity not in what his critics say about him, not in his own sense of self, but in who he is in Christ and to Christ.

Truth for Life

Please stop. Reread that list. Think about someone criticizing you. How would your response to their criticism and your relationship to the person(s) change if you did what Paul did?

Now, stop again. Think about a spiritual leader you or someone you know shared a concern with. How would this leader’s response have been more godly, more humble, had he or she responded like Paul? I don’t raise this question to stir trouble or pick on spiritual leaders. I raise it to remind us all, myself included, how easily we move from humble Christ-centered spirituality to arrogant, self-centered spiritual abuse.

We talk and write so much about conflict resolution. Paul lived conflict resolution; he embodied it. That’s why he says, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1).

As a Fair Exchange

Rather than prolong this series unnecessarily, I’ll wrap it up with two thoughts:

• If we gleaned this much truth for life from a brief running commentary on four chapters, just think what we could learn about conflict resolution and humble spiritual leadership from all of God’s sufficient, relevant Word!

• Conflict resolution requires a humble mindset of equality in Christ: equal status and equal sacrifice (2 Cor. 6:11-13).

In a moment when you read 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, let it sink in. Picture yourself in a disagreement with a spiritual friend. How could these words impact the two of you?

“We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.”

I long for interactions like this where we can share concerns brother to brother without defensiveness and with humble openness.

Paul has this unique way of seeing others as his spiritual children in the faith, and yet treating them as his spiritual equals—as adult children.

Here’s what I think happens in our lives as spiritual leaders. We start out with good intentions. But then someone confronts us, even in love. In the flesh our default response is defensiveness where we pull rank and use our position as a bully pulpit to demean others and squash their spirit.

Paul does exactly the opposite. He speaks freely to them and opens his heart wide to them. He becomes vulnerable to them. In 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 he admits that he despaired of life and felt the sentence of death. He further acknowledges that he would not have made it without the help, comfort, support, and prayers of the Corinthians. How many of us as spiritual leaders today are that vulnerable?

Instead of closing ranks and pulling rank, he refuses to withhold his affection. Picture it like this:

• When I’m defensive as a spiritual leader, I use a stiff arm to keep you at bay. And, I simultaneously wrap both arms around myself in self-protective defensiveness. I refuse to let you in, refuse to be receptive to you and responsive to your feedback. It becomes all about you and your problem/issue. In fact, you become the problem because I’m too weak to face my spiritual neediness.

• When I’m humble and open as a spiritual leader, I give you a high-five (or a fist bump). I affirm you. I also open both arms wide to invite you into an intimate embrace.

What a difference: a stiff arm or a high five.

What a difference: two arms wrapped around myself in a cocoon of self-protection, or two arms opened wide inviting you into an embrace.

Paul’s almost done, but not quite. Recall how he finishes. “…but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.”

He’s not saying, “I’m good and spiritual and above challenge and confrontation, but you are immature and unspiritual and in need of one-sided confrontation.”

Instead, he’s saying, “I’m open to your loving feedback. I so believe in your maturity in Christ, that I am challenging you in love to be open to my loving feedback. It’s a fair exchange. I’ve opened my heart wide to you, please open your heart wide to me.”

One Final Summation

In responding to criticism, Paul has:

• Affirmed those who criticize him by calling them holy and sanctified, thanking God for them, and by declaring them enriched in Christ and spiritually gifted!

• Focused his concern on the unity of the Body of Christ, the glory of Christ, and the goal of Christlikeness.

• Grounded his identity not in what his critics say about him, not in his own sense of self, but in who he is in Christ and to Christ.

• Maintained a humble mindset of equality in Christ: equal status and equal sacrifice; equal openness to loving confrontation and equal willingness to be challenged to grow in Christ.

Join the Conversation 

Which principle of humble spiritual response to criticism do you most need to apply to your life and relationships?

Tags: Conflict Resolution, Pastoral Ministry, Spiritual Abuse

Speaking the Truth in Love: Biblical Confrontation

The Big Idea: Learn biblical principles of mutual confrontation in love. (Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.)

Biblical confrontation has earned a “bum rap.” To correct that, consider the following biblical definition based upon 2 Timothy 2:25.

• Confrontation shows people how they are intoxicated by the lies of the world, the flesh, and the Devil.

In 2 Timothy 2:25, Paul commands Timothy to “gently instruct (confront, correct) those who oppose themselves.” The phrase “oppose themselves” develops from the Greek word for antithesis, a contrary position. In the middle tense as it is here, it means to stand opposed to oneself, to place oneself in opposition to oneself.

Confrontation shows Christians how they are standing opposed to themselves. It exposes how believers are living inconsistently with their new hearts—as new creations in Christ. It demonstrates how their lives are inconsistent with their stated beliefs. It reveals how they are buying the lie of the Satan’s work’s narrative rather than being rooted in the truth of Christ’s grace narrative. Confrontation points out discrepancies.

In 2 Timothy 2:22-26, Paul explains the character of the confronter, the process of confrontation, the goal of confronting, and the true enemy in confrontation.

“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him (oppose themselves) he must gently instruct (confront, correct), in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”

The Character of the Confronter

Confrontation requires the character quality of integrity. To confront another person, Timothy first has to confront himself. He has to flee (put off) evil desires and pursue (put on) godly affections. He removes the log from his eye by living out of a pure heart, before he confronts the heart of another.

Confrontation also requires humility. Timothy shuns fights, quarrels, and stupid arguments. Instead, he is to be kind and patient toward others, especially with those who are refractory. He sees himself as the Lord’s servant voluntarily under Christ’s authority.

Confrontation further requires spirituality. Biblical confrontation is not bold and bullying. It is gentle and patient. In confronting, Timothy practices patience (2:24). That is, he bears up under wrong. When confronting others, they frequently become displeased with him. To bear up without resentment, Timothy needs forbearance.

Timothy is also to confront in meekness (2 Timothy 2:25). Meekness includes a temper of spirit and managed strength released with gentleness, humility, and concern. The meek person neither fights against God nor enters power struggles with others. The meek spiritual friend displays the opposite of self-assertion and self-interest.

The Process of Confrontation

The process of confrontation requires the ability to teach (2:24). Timothy needs to skillfully relate doctrine to conduct. He has to relate truth to human relationships.

Paul uses the phrase “gently instruct” to describe the nature of such teaching. The Greek word relates to schooling and in this context emphasizes corrective instruction.

Its root form literally means to train children. Such child training requires practicality. It also necessitates explanation, as opposed to simply handing down rules by fiat. Much more than mere exhortation to stop a behavior, it involves instruction in the process of heart change leading to behavioral change.

The process of confrontation also requires savvy. “Those who oppose themselves he must gently confront in the hope that God will grant them repentance” (2:25, author’s translation, emphasis added). Timothy avoids power struggles and a quarrelsome spirit by realizing that it is not his role, but God’s, to bring about repentance. His role is simply to gently instruct by demonstrating discrepancies.

The Goal of Confrontation

The goal of instructive correction (confrontation) is maturity: love out of a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith (1 Timothy 1:5). Thus the goal is virtue (2 Peter 1:3-11): character, not simply content.

Biblical instruction/confrontation includes a presentation of a clear worldview (grace narrative) and the implications derived from it (grace relationships). Confrontation promotes spiritual development through personal influence; it is the relational presentation of God’s worldview. It skillfully explores any discrepancies between grace narratives and works narratives and grace relationships and works relationships.

Paul further develops the goal of gentle biblical confrontation when he writes, “that they may recover themselves” (2 Timothy 2:26, author’s translation). Thus, the goal is sobriety and sanity. To “recover” means to return to soberness as from a state of delirium where one is under the control of an outside element—the controlling passions of the flesh, intoxicated with false worldviews, and snared by the Devil. Confrontation helps a person return to a sound mind—a whole, healthy mind that thinks and lives with integrity.

The True Enemy in Confrontation

The goal of confrontation points to the true enemy in confrontation—escape from the snare of the Devil who has taken them captive to do his will. “Snare” (2 Timothy 2:26) is a trap that fastens or holds fast, a net, a noose. Various ancient authors used the word for seductive women and for the Trojan Horse. A snare is anything that entices with something desirable. It promises pleasure, but gives pain. When snared, a believer is caught in the net of self-deception and captured by the Devil’s delusion.

So consider who the true enemy is here. Your counselee or parishioner is not the ultimate enemy, Satan is. He has taken the person captive. You attack Satan with God’s spiritual armor rather than attacking your spiritual friend.

Pictured how Paul paints it, confrontation is the loving presentation of truth applied to specific inconsisten areas of our spiritual friend’s life. When responded to positively, the results are freedom from the Devil’s seduction and freedom to live out God’s truth in love.

Join the Conversation

How could you apply biblical principles of mutual confrontation to your spiritual friendships?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Confrontation, Spiritual Friends

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