20 Ways to Lose Friends and Influence

Pastor David Murray at Head, Heart, Hand recently posted a summary of Marshall Goldsmith’s work. You can read David’s post at How to Lose Friends and Not Influence Anyone. 

David’s post also linked to Failure to Communicate which provides the following 20 behaviors that will ensure that we lose friends and influence.

1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations.

2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our 2 cents to every discussion.

3. Passing judgment: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.

4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasm and cutting remarks that we think make us witty.

5. Starting with NO, BUT, HOWEVER: The overuse of these negative qualifiers, which secretly say to everyone that I’m right and you’re wrong.

6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.

7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.

8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.

9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.

10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to give praise and reward.

11. Claiming credit that that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contributions to any success.

12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.

13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.

14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.

15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.

16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.

17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.

18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.

19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.

20. An excessive need to be “me:” Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

So What?

Since we all tend to be blind to our own sins and selfish ways of relating, Goldsmith suggests how to use this list to start winning friends, influencing everyone and achieving breakthrough measurable results are as follows:

1. Select four stakeholders, including the managing partner, a partner, another associate, and a staff person, who want you to succeed but who will be candid with you.

2. Have them check off behaviors on the list that you are guilty of; next ask them to rank, from most problematic to least problematic, those behaviors that get in the way of their working productively with you.

3. Finally, when two or more of your stakeholders agree on certain particularly egregious behaviors, comment to them that you will change one behavior at a time going forward and that you would like to check in with them periodically regarding your progress and for additional suggestions to improve upon.

4. The proof that you have really changed only comes when your stakeholders agree that you have changed those behaviors and are sustaining those changes.

Join the Conversation

We can each ask ourselves the question, “Which ways of relating and leading do I need to change?”

Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Leadership

Emotional Empathy

What causes the fights and quarrels among us? A great deal of relational conflict results from an underdeveloped ability to tune into others.

Clueless

How well do you understand other people’s perspective? Do you ever find yourself thinking, “What was that person thinking and feeling!?”

How well do others understand your perspective? Do you ever find yourself thinking, “That person is only focused on his feelings and perspective. He is clueless about how I’m feeling and my perspective on this?”

Emotions and Others

We often think of emotions as focused only on how I feel. However, emotions are also about our ability to sense how others feel. It’s called “emotional empathy.”

Even that term can be misunderstood, or understood in a one-dimensional way. We may think of it only as our ability to feel another person’s pain. It’s that, but more. We can describe at least five aspects of mature emotional empathy:

• I’m attuned to others, not emotionally tone-deaf. I have the ability to sense another’s mood.

• I have empathy built on self-awareness. I’m open to my own emotions and, therefore, skilled in reading the feelings of others.

• I practice the creative ability of perceiving the subjective experiences of others.

• I make another person’s pain my own.

• I can take on the perspective of another person.

Are You Fluent in the Language of Emotion?

Emotional empathy builds on self-awareness. When I don’t have to strain to hear my own emotional voice, then I find myself hearing others with crystal clarity.

That’s empathy: fluency in others’ emotional language. The more open I am to my own emotions, the more skilled I will be in reading the feelings of others.

How attuned are you to others? Are you emotionally tone-deaf, or do you have the ability to sense another’s mood? Do you practice the artful, creative ability to perceive the experience of another person? Can you make another person’s pain your own? Are you skilled at perspective-taking? Can you step back and look at a situation from the other’s person’s perspective?

EQ and IQ

Our emotional quotient, or EQ, is just as important as our IQ. At times in Christian circles, we act as if emotions are the black sheep of the image bearing family. But the God who created us with intellect, also created us with emotions.

Ironically, some of the very people who tend to downplay the value of emotions, seem to struggle with the emotional empathy that this blog has focused on. When we focus exclusively on our rationality, we end up focusing exclusively on ourselves. We see life and situations and conflicts only from our own mental perspective. We fail to see life, situations, and conflicts from the emotional and mental perspective of the other person—because we are emotionally tone-deaf.

Rather than hindering our rational ability to understand people, build relationships, and resolve conflict, emotional empathy is a vital God-given tool for working well with others and for loving others with Christ’s love.

The Rest of the Story

For a free 35-page PDF visit: Learning the Biblical ABCs of Emotional Intelligence. 

For a comprehensive biblical theology of our emotions, see Soul Physicians. 

Join the Conversation

How’s your EQ? Assess yourself using the five bullet points below. Perhaps seek feedback from a good friend.

• I’m attuned to others, not emotionally tone-deaf. I have the ability to sense another’s mood.

• I have empathy built on self-awareness. I’m open to my own emotions and, therefore, skilled in reading the feelings of others.

• I practice the creative ability of perceiving the subjective experiences of others.

• I make another person’s pain my own.

• I can take on the perspective of another person.

Tags: Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Empathy

Emotional Intelligence: The ABCs of Emotions

Part 14: Free Thirty-Page PDF: Learning the Biblical ABCs of Emotional Intelligence

Introduction: You’re reading Part 14 (the final installment) in a blog mini-series on Emotional Intelligence. Read Part 1: Emotions: God’s Idea, Part 2: Why We Feel What We Feel, Part 3: Good News about Good Moods, Part 4: What Went Wrong?, Part 5: Our Emotions and Our Bodies, Part 6: How’s Your EI?, Part 7: How to Help Others, Part 8: Emotions Gone Mad, Part 9: What’s Wrong with Stuffing?, Part 10: Holding Onto Hope, and Part 11: Learning the ABCs of Emotional Maturity, Part 12: Five Tools for Your Emotional Toolbox, and Part 13: A Dozen Emotional Intelligence Lesson Plans. I’ve developed this series from material in my book Soul Physicians.

Free Resource: Your PDF Copy of Learning the Biblical ABCs of Emotional Intelligence

RPM Ministries is all about changing lives with Christ’s changeless truth. I know you want a changed life. And I know you want to change lives.

Because of that vision, I want to offer you a free thirty-page PDF version of this entire series. For the PDF version, I’ve renamed the series: Learning the Biblical ABCs of Emotional Intelligence. Click on that title, and “poof” the document is yours to use in your life and ministry.

More Resources for Your Journey: The Remedy for Secular Psychology

If you find that resource (and this blog mini-series) practical in your life and ministry, then I think you will also find the original source to be beneficial: Soul Physicians: A Theology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction. Click on the book title to learn more about Soul Physicians and to purchase a copy at 40% off.

Soul Physicians is the remedy to secular psychology. It explores how God’s Word addresses life’s seven ultimate questions. It equips you to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth.

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Feelings, Soul Physicians

Emotional Intelligence: The ABCs of Emotions

Part 13: A Dozen Emotional Intelligence Lesson Plans 

Introduction: You’re reading Part 13 in a blog mini-series on Emotional Intelligence. Read Part 1: Emotions: God’s Idea, Part 2: Why We Feel What We Feel, Part 3: Good News about Good Moods, Part 4: What Went Wrong?, Part 5: Our Emotions and Our Bodies, Part 6: How’s Your EI?, Part 7: How to Help Others, Part 8: Emotions Gone Mad, Part 9: What’s Wrong with Stuffing?, part 10: Holding Onto Hope, and Part 11: Learning the ABCs of Emotional Maturity, and Part 12: Five Tools for Your Emotional Toolbox. I’ve developed this series from material in my book Soul Physicians.

Reviewing God’s Lesson Plans for Emotional Intelligence—The “What?” Question

What are the key emotional lessons we’ve learned in the ABCs of emotional intelligence? In keeping with our “ABC” theme, I’ll review the “big idea” of each of our twelve posts using the first twelve letters of the alphabet.

A: Accept that emotions were/are God’s idea—they are God-given. (Emotions: God’s Idea)

B: Biblically break down our emotions before we have an emotional breakdown—learn the biblical formula for why we feel what we feel. (Why We Feel What We Feel)

C: Creation shows us the good news about good moods. (Good News about Good Moods)

D: Disordered moods result from disconnection from Christ, while reordered moods result from soothing our soul in our Savior. (Emotions: What Went Wrong?)

E: Embrace the fact that our brains are a fallen organ in a fallen body in a fallen world—and embrace God’s all-sufficient strength. (Our Bodies and Our Emotions)

F: Figure your EQ/EI: emotional quotient/emotional intelligence. (How’s Your Emotional Intelligence?)

G: Give the gift of emotional growth by being a spiritual friend who helps others to grow emotionally. (How to Help Others)

H: Hurting others with out-of-control spearing of our emotions. (Emotions Gone Bad and Mad)

I: Injuring ourselves and others by over-controlled repression (stuffing) of our feelings. (What’s Wrong with Stuffing Our Feelings?)

J: Jesus is our only hope for…holding onto hope when life tries to crush us. (Holding Onto Hope)

K: Kindergarten lessons in emotional maturity—all we ever needed to know about emotional maturity we can learn from Christ. (Learning the ABCs of Emotional Maturity)

L: Learning five hallmarks of emotional maturity. (Five Tools for Your Emotional Toolbox)

Renewing Our Emotional Maturity in Christ—The “So What?” Question

We review and we renew. We not only ask “What?” but also “So what?” So what difference could this blog mini-series make in your emotional maturity process?

A: How does it change your thoughts about your feelings when you realize that emotions were God’s idea?

B: Ponder a current situation you are facing. Use our “formula” to assess the situation and your emotional response. Our External Situation plus our Internal Perception leads to our Emotional Response.

C: How could you use the good news about good moods to enjoy and benefit from your emotions and moods, rather than fearing and fleeing them?

D: How can you sooth your soul in your Savior in order to manage your moods in a healthy and whole way?

E: How can you embrace your emotional and physical weakness in order to embrace Christ’s resurrection power?

F: What biblical principles could you follow to enhance your emotional intelligence?

G: What principle of emotional mentoring do you want to offer others?

H: If you’ve used your emotions as a spear to harm others, what is God’s Word calling you to do?

I: How surprised are you that repressing, suppressing, and stuffing our feelings is just as harmful and sinful as using our feelings as spears?

J: How can you find hope when you’re hurting by finding God’s healing for life’s losses?

K: How can you learn from Christ in the school of emotions?

L: Of the five tools in your emotional toolbox, which one do you most want to sharpen?

The Rest of the Story

You thought we were done, didn’t you? Almost, but not quite. Our final post is my gift to you. Come back to find the link to this entire series in one PDF document that you can download for free from RPM Ministries.

Join the Conversation

Of the dozen posts in this series, which post most impacted your life and ministry? Why? How?

Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Feelings, Soul Physicians

Emotional Intelligence: The ABCs of Emotions

Part 12: Five Tools for Your Emotional Toolbox

Introduction: You’re reading Part 12 in a blog mini-series on Emotional Intelligence. Read Part 1: Emotions: God’s Idea, Part 2: Why We Feel What We Feel, Part 3: Good News about Good Moods, Part 4: What Went Wrong?, Part 5: Our Emotions and Our Bodies, Part 6: How’s Your EI?, Part 7: Become an Emotional Mentor, Part 8: Emotions Gone Mad, Part 9: What’s Wrong with Stuffing? (http://bit.ly/dGXQfW), part 10: Holding Onto Hope, and Part 11: Learning the ABCs of Emotional Maturity. I’ve developed this series from material in my book Soul Physicians.

How Can We Practice the Hallmarks of Emotional Maturity?

Emotional maturity consists of our ability to be managed by the Spirit so that we can manage ourselves and master the art of relating to others. The mature person has an emotional repertoire tailored to glorify God by showing God’s majesty and beauty to a weak and ugly world.

God designed our emotions to put us in motion. However, living in a fallen world, inhabiting unredeemed bodies, and tempted by an unloving enemy (Satan), we dare not allow our emotions to manage us. God calls on us to manage, master, and govern our emotions.

The problem is not with emotionality, but with the appropriateness of emotions and their governed expression. The question is, “How can we bring spiritual maturity to our emotions?” As Aristotle said, “Anyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not easy.”

Without the Spirit’s control, we are vulnerable emotional hijackings. Our emotions, being designed as bridges between our outer world and our inner life, scream at us, “Act! Don’t think! 911. Emergency! Emergency!”

I tell people that “Our body has a mind of its own.” The physical brain transmits urgent messages to act and react. However, as Paul teaches in Romans 6, spiritual maturity includes yielding our body, including our brain, to the service of God’s will. Thus we must learn to control our physical brain with our spiritual mind. We need to bring rationality to bear on our emotionality.

Emotions are fast and sloppy. Our spirit/soul/mind/will/inner person is our emotional manager. We are to be our brain’s emotional damper switch.

Emotional maturity includes at least five emotional management skills:

• Emotional Self-Awareness: Soul-Awareness

• Emotional Spirit-Mastery: Soothing Our Soul in Our Savior

• Emotional Motivation: Managing Our Moods

• Emotional Empathy: Recognizing Emotions in Others

• Emotional Savvy: Handling Relationships

Emotional Tool # 1: Emotional Self-Awareness

Our first emotional management skill is emotional self-awareness. Emotional maturity begins with our awareness of our feelings as they occur. Are we able to recognize and name our own moods? Able to understand the causes of our feelings?

When we are emotionally self-aware, we give ongoing attention to our internal state. We are aware both of our mood and our thoughts about our mood. “I’m feeling down right now and it is frightening me.” Actively monitoring our moods helps us to begin to gain control of them.

Emotional Tool # 2: Emotional Spirit-Mastery

The capacity to soothe our soul in God (emotional spirit-mastery) is our second emotional management skill. It begins with our ability to take everything we are feeling to God.

It also involves our capacity for emotional self-regulation and responsibility. Thus it rejects the ventilation fallacy which teaches that catharsis—uncontrolled expression of what I am feeling and experiencing—is necessary for emotional health. Instead, what is necessary for emotional health is candor with myself about what I am feeling, candor with God about my mood states, and selective expression of my feelings toward others.

Emotional Tool # 3: Emotional Motivation

Managing our moods (emotional motivation) includes harnessing our emotions in the service of a goal. It also involves stifling our impulses (what the Bible calls “passions of the flesh”) and delaying gratification (Romans 5 and 8).

Hope is a key to emotional self-motivation and delayed gratification. Hope produces resilience, perseverance, and longsuffering. It allows us to turn setbacks into comebacks. Optimistic hope in God is vital. It says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” “I can meet challenges as they arise.” The result is learned contentment in whatever state I’m in (whatever external situation or internal mood).

Emotional Tool # 4: Emotional Empathy

The fourth emotional management skill is empathy or the ability to recognize emotions in others. Empathy builds on self-awareness. When I don’t have to strain to hear my own emotional voice, then I find myself hearing others with crystal clarity. That’s empathy: fluency in others’ emotional language. The more open I am to my own emotions, the more skilled I will be in reading the feelings of others.

How attuned are you to others? Are you emotionally tone-deaf, or do you have the ability to sense another’s mood? Do you practice the artful, creative, aesthetic ability to perceive the subjective experience of another person? Can you make another person’s pain your own? Are you skilled at perspective-taking?

Emotional Tool # 5: Emotional Savvy

The fifth emotional management skill—emotional savvy— is “the social art” or the art of emotional influence. It is the capacity to be emotionally nourishing, the ability to leave others in a good mood.

Emotional savvy involves interpersonal effectiveness that includes managing emotions in others, helping others to soothe themselves in God, and becoming an emotional tool kit for others.

The new you can manage your emotions, can govern your mood states. You can thrive by experiencing joy in the midst of sorrow, hope in the midst of grief, and peace in the midst of turmoil. The power comes through grace connecting. Only as we connect with God, soothing our soul in our Savior, can we courageously choose to connect with our fallen world in an emotionally mature manner.

The Rest of the Story

We’re near the end of our journey. In our final post, we review by asking the “What?” question: “What are the key emotional lessons we’ve learned?”

And then we renew by asking the “So what?” question: “So what difference could all of this make in how we live, relate, and minister?

Join the Conversation

Of the five tools in your emotional toolbox, which one do you most want to sharpen?

Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Feelings, Soul Physicians

Emotional Intelligence: The ABCs of Emotions

Part 11: Learning the ABCs of Emotional Maturity

Introduction: You’re reading Part 11 in a blog mini-series on Emotional Intelligence. Read Part 1: Emotions: God’s Idea, Part 2: Why We Feel What We Feel, Part 3: Good News about Good Moods, Part 4: What Went Wrong?, Part 5: Our Emotions and Our Bodies, Part 6: How’s Your EI?, Part 7: Become an Emotional Mentor, Part 8: Emotions Gone Mad, Part 9: What’s Wrong with Stuffing?, and part 10: Holding Onto Hope. I’ve developed this series from material in my book Soul Physicians.

The ABCs of Emotional Maturity

Christians tend to be kindergartners when it comes to emotional maturity. That’s why we need to learn The ABCs of Emotional Maturity:

• A: How our emotions are of value to us.

• B: How our emotions are of value to others.

• C: How we can practice the hallmarks of emotional maturity.

How Our Emotions Are of Value to Us: A God-Given Warning Light

Emotions serve as God-given “dummy lights.” That flashing red light on our dash that says, “Hey, dummy, you’d better pop the hood ‘cause something is haywire underneath.”

Emotions are our warning lights that say, “There’s something important going on inside, pop the hood of your heart and check it out.” Our emotions point to our goals, which in turn point to our beliefs. Emotions are a God-given means for discerning inner motivation and thinking.

How Our Emotions Are of Value to Us: With Christ in the School of Emotions

Often we’re afraid of our emotions because we do not understand what is natural. Mark 3:5 helps us because it describes the emotional life of Christ. “He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.”

In this passage, we learn that Jesus experienced strong emotions. He experienced anger. This particular word for anger has the sense of “strong indignation and wrath.” He also experienced compassion which is “deep distress and grief.” Shouldn’t image bearers expect to experience strong emotions since Christ did? Don’t deny them. Don’t stuff them. Experience them.

We also learn that Jesus experienced a full range of both “pleasant” and “painful” emotions. He felt anger and compassion simultaneously. “While being grieved he felt intense anger” (Mark 3:5, author’s paraphrase). We, too, should expect to go through a full range of both pleasant and painful emotions. The lack of intense emotions has nothing to do with emotional maturity.

How Our Emotions Are of Value to Us: What to Do with Our Emotions

When an emotion “comes,” what do we “do” with it?

First, admit it. Acknowledge to yourself and God what you are feeling.

Second, identify it, label it accurately. “I’m hurt, angry, content, nervous, etc.”

Third, courageously face and feel that emotion. This is not an academic exercise. It is deeply feeling what is going on inside.

Fourth, always share with God what you are feeling (Hebrews 4:15-16). When you’re feeling an “illegitimate emotion” (hatred, etc.) confess it deeply, including confessing the goals and beliefs behind the feeling (1 John 1:8-2:2). When you’re feeling a “legitimate emotion” (joy, sorrow, etc.) share it fully (Hebrews 2:18).

Fifth, use that emotion to probe and to examine your goals and beliefs. An acknowledged emotion functions as a clue to a spiritual malfunction just as an acknowledged physical symptom (i.e., a cancer warning sign) serves as a clue to a deeper physical problem.

When do we probe? Even a good thing can be misused or overused. Should we constantly probe and become compulsively introspective? No. No one (no one in their right mind at least) checks under the hood of their car before every trip down to the grocery store. No, you check periodically, before long trips, and when the light comes on.

The same is true with emotions. When the light of intense emotion flashes, then check your goals and beliefs. For most Christians, the problem is checking far too infrequently. We tend to be afraid of our emotions. Check periodically, and always check during times of extremely strong emotions.

How Our Emotions Are of Value to Others

Jesus modeled a cardinal principle of emotional maturity when he purposely expressed his feelings to others in order to minister to them. The original language of Mark 3:5 is clear. “He chose to look around with angry glances, stopping at each one of them” (author’s paraphrase).

Jesus made a volitional choice to express his emotional reaction. On what basis did Christ do so? On what basis should we do the same? I believe that we should express our feelings to others only when we can meet the following criteria:

• We can answer the question: “How will expressing my feelings increase the potential for the other person’s growth in Christ?”

• We have previously established a strong relationship with the other person.

• We believe the person has the emotional maturity to handle and benefit from our sharing.

• We believe that sharing our feelings has the potential for healing the relationship.

• We are under control enough to think through the previous criteria. Or stated another way, we can govern/manage the release of our emotions.

The Rest of the Story

We’ve summarized the A and the B of the ABCs of Emotional Maturity. In our next post, we highlight the C: How we can practice the five hallmarks of emotional maturity.

Join the Conversation

Of the emotional lessons in today’s post, which would you like to start putting into practice? How will you do that?

Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Emotions, Feelings, Soul Physicians