Five to Live By

Linking you to the top 5 Christian blog posts of the week—posts that provide robust, rich, and relevant insights for living.

Grace and Peace

Pastor Tullian Tchividjian quotes from Martin Luther’s commentary on Galatians, including: “Grace remits sin, and peace quiets the conscience. Sin and conscience torment us, but Christ has overcome these fiends now and forever.” Read the rest and be blessed at Grace and Peace.

The OT in One Page

My friend David Murray provides a summary of every book of the OT on just one page. Check it out at The Old Testament on One Page.

In Christ

Perry Nobles shares Seven Things I Believe About You If You Are in Christ.

Saved and Growing 

Pastor Rob Green concludes his two-part series on Gospel Indicatives and Gospel Imperatives in Communicating the Balance.

The Problem and Pain of Unconfessed Sin

Phil Monroe helps us take a second look at The Scarlet Letter in his post Great Literature on the Effect of Unconfessed Guild and Refused Forgiveness.

Join the Conversation 

Which post impacted you the most? Why? What blog posts have you enjoyed this week that you want to share with others?

Tags: 5 to Live By, Guilt

Ask the Counselor: “Should I Try to Forget My Past?”

As a biblical counselor, people often ask me the important question, “Should I try to forget my past?”

I first respond with a one-word answer. “No.”

Then I respond with a blog-size answer using the words:

• Remember

• Reflect

• Repent/Receive/Renew

• Reinterpret

• Retell

• Resources

Remember

Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t forget the past. It’s impossible. More importantly, it’s ungodly.

Memory is our God-given capacity to store and recall what we have experienced and learned. Remembering is part of our design by creation—before the fall into sin. “Remember” is used 167 times in the Bible (NIV), thus reminding us of the importance of remembering.

Some people mistakenly interpret Philippians 3:13 to mean that we should try to forget our past. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” The Greek word for “forget” does not mean not to remember, but not to focus my attention on. More importantly, the biblical context is whether Paul would focus his attention on his works of the flesh, attempts at self-righteousness, and putting confidence in the flesh, versus focusing on Christ’s righteousness and the power of Christ’s resurrection.

Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians is a testimony to the biblical value of remembering. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia” (2 Cor. 1:8a). Throughout the epistle, Paul recalls and rehearses a litany of past suffering.

Reflect

In a similar way, the Psalms are a biblical testimonial to the power and value of remembering face-to-face with God. I call it reflecting.

People typically ask about forgetting in the context of dealing with past suffering—being sinned against, or dealing with past sin—sinning against others. I believe that attempting to refuse to remember our past can actually be a symptom of sin.

Trying to suppress past memories of pain (either regarding our suffering or sin) can be a refusal to face and deal with life. It can be an attempt to deal with pain apart from God. We could compare such attempts to self-sufficient “coping mechanisms” such as drinking and drugs—where we try anything to numb our pain, emptiness, or guilt.

In my book, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I describe how the Psalmists, Job, Jeremiah, Jesus, and Paul remember face-to-face with Christ through “candor and complaint/lament.” In biblical candor, we’re honest with ourselves regarding our past and present. In biblical complaint/lament, we’re honest with God regarding our past and present.

Rather than attempting to forget, we are to bring to mind past external events and our current internal thoughts and feelings and bring them to Christ. As I put it in the book, “No grieving, no healing. Know grieving, know healing.” Reflecting on our past is our admission to ourselves and God that we can’t handle our past on our own, that we desperately need Christ.

Repent, Receive Grace, Renew

When our memories of the past relate to our past sin, Christ’s soul-u-tion is to remember, repent, and receive grace. “Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first” (Rev. 2:5).

In Psalms 32 and 51, David models remembering, repenting, receiving grace, and renewing his life by God’s Spirit. Rather than trying the impossible and sinful mental activity of suppressing the memory of his sin, David recalls to mind his sin against God. He repents deeply not only of behavioral sin, but of heart motivational sin.

Having repented, David receives grace—he accepts God’s gracious forgiveness and prays for shalom—a conscience at peace with the God of peace. He then prays that the Spirit would renew a right spirit within him so that he could turn from his path of sin (put off) and return to the path of righteousness (put on).

Reinterpret

But what do we do with our emotional agony when we remember past suffering—being sinned against? God’s Word is clear. We never forget, we re-member.

Think about that word: re-member. To put our memories back together again, to shape our memories through God’s eternal grid.

In God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I use the life of Joseph to portray how God wants us to remember and then reinterpret our past with spiritual eyes. There I call it “weaving.”

In Genesis 50:20 and 45:4-8, Joseph refuses to forget. He calls to mind his suffering past with these words. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

In the Hebrew, the word “intended” can be used in a physical sense for weaving together a tapestry, such as Joseph’s coat of many colors. It can be used in the metaphysical sense in a negative way for weaving together an evil scheme or plot, such as Joseph’s brothers did. Or, it can be used in a positive sense of God weaving together good out of evil.

How do we deal with our past suffering? We look at life with spiritual eyes by bringing to bear God’s eternal narrative, spiritual 20/20 vision, and larger story perspective. Weaving is re-membering—to create wholeness using God’s perspective to bring meaning to our suffering.

That’s how, like Joseph, we find hope when we’re hurting. That’s how, like Joseph, we grant forgiveness to those who have caused our suffering. In so doing we can say, “I grieve, but I don’t despair.”

Retell

Being human involves shaping our personal experiences into stories or narratives. That’s part of our God-given capacity of memory. We shape our sense of self and who we are in Christ from our retelling of our experiences.

As spiritual friends, it is when we listen carefully and compassionately to one another’s most important stories that we gain access to how our friends are attempting to make sense of themselves in the context of their past experiences. Our one-to-one relationships and our small group meetings should be places where we retell our stories.

In God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I discuss how the retelling process moves us from “weaving” to “worshipping.” In worshipping we are committed to finding God even when we can’t find answers. We are committed to knowing God more than knowing relief from our past. We worship God by retelling our stories like Joseph did—in a way that honors and glorifies God and His role in redeeming our past (see Genesis 45:4-8).

There is no power in forgetting our past. God doesn’t want us to pretend. Of all people, as Christians we must be the most honest about our past. We must remember, reflect, repent/receive/renew, reinterpret, and retell.

Resources

Two biblical counseling resources that I think you will find helpful in dealing with your past are:

• God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting by Bob Kellemen.

• Putting Your Past in Its Place: Moving Forward in Freedom and Forgiveness by Steve Viars.

Join the Conversation

What is your biblical answer to the question, “Should I try to forget my past?”

Tags: Forgetting, God's Healing for Life's Losses, Grief, Past, Suffering

“I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me.”

I was recently the recipient of a humble, heart-felt apology where the person sincerely asked for forgiveness. How rare that is!

It made me think of various ways people “apologize” and how we might respond.

The “No Apology, Ever!” Person

Some people are like Fonzie from the old Happy Days TV series. Remember? He could never even mouth the words “I was wwww-r-o-n-g.”

Some folks are like that—they’re never in the wrong. You and others always are.

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who is never willing to seek reconciliation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “If You Were Offended” Person

Then there’s the person who is a master at the apology that is not an apology at all. In fact, their apology really blames others.

“I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.” Or, “I’m sorry if you were hurt by what you thought I did.”

The tenor, the tone, the words—they all communicate, “What I did wasn’t wrong. You’re just waaaay too sensitive.”

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone whose apology is really an accusation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “You Were Wrong and I Forgive You” Person

Somewhat the opposite of the previous “styles” is the person who brings up forgiveness only as a way of expressing alllll the ways you sinned against her or him. They use the words, “I forgive you.” However, the bulk of their words are about your wrong.

“I forgive you for the way you’ve always been so condescending and judgmental. I forgive you for the way you hurt me and offended me with your cruel and discouraging words. I forgive you for all the ways your self-centered, arrogant actions have hurt me and countless others…”

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who seems less interested in reconciliation and more interested in humiliation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “I’m Sorry; I Apologize” Person

This “style” sure seems right about being wrong. The person says, “I’m sorry. I apologize.”

This is a great start. However, by itself it may not lead to true reconciliation. In this “style,” there are no specifics. There is no admission of wrong, guilt, or sin. And, there is no request for forgiveness—which is so central to moving toward reconciliation.

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who apologizes but does not admit wrong or ask forgiveness? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “I’m Sorry; I Was Wrong; Here Are My Excuses” Person

No one apologizes using these exact words. However, the sense is more of excusing behavior than accepting responsibility.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Everybody was jumping on me all day long. My parents were dysfunctional when I was growing up. I was having a bad day. The boss was a jerk. No one ever taught me how to relate or handle my emotions. I have this medical condition. Your words and actions were just too much for me or any normal person to handle. And…”

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who blames others (including you) for their wrong? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me” Person

This “style” is how I was recently approached. It’s the person who says, “I’m sorry. I was wrong for __________.” They fill in the blank with the specific way(s) they sinned against you. No excuses.

They continue. “I sinned. Would you please forgive me? How can I make this right? How can we reconcile and get our relationship right?” They move from admission to the offer of a conversation about reconciliation.

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who is seeking biblical reconciliation? Are you and I ever this mature in responding to our own sin?

Join the Conversation

Which “style” of reconciling do you seem to most often receive? How do/should you respond?

Which “style” of reconciling do you seem to most often offer?

Tags: Conflict, Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Relationships

Michael Vick and Second Chances

A Sports Talk radio station in Chicago (670 The Score) polled its listeners today. They asked what has been the most compelling story in the young NFL season thus far. Over 67% of responders indicated that Michael Vick’s comeback for the Philadelphia Eagles was their top choice.

For those who have been off-planet or are not football fans, Michael Vick was an incredibly talented young quarterback whose career and life took a horrible turn. His conviction for involvement in the illegal and dreadful world of dogfighting led to an eighteen-month jail sentence. Now released, expressing remorse, and speaking to young people about the evils of his past ways, Vick’s has revived his career in Philadelphia.

Not everyone is happy, including Debbie Sanville who is a season-ticket holder who has refused to attend a game since Vick signed. She believes Vick only regrets getting caught and has no remorse for his dogfighting past (Are Eagles’ Fans Ready to Embrace Vick?).

Not Redemption, but a Second Chance

Listening to callers on The Score, I was not surprised to hear them use words like “redemption” and “resurrection” (“He’s experienced a redemption.” “Vick has resurrected his career.”) Of course, they are using theologically-loaded words with no theological intent. Our society does that frequently.

I have no clue where Vick is spiritually or whether he has found spiritual redemption through the new life that comes by faith in Christ and His death, burial, and resurrection. Nor would I dare, like Sanville did, to judge the thoughts and intents of Vick’s heart. That’s a role not for my spirit but for the Holy Spirit.

However, I was disappointed by some callers who determined that Vick never should have been allowed back in the NFL. Apparently for them, there is no such thing as a second chance, even after a person has been tried, punished, and done his time according to the justice system. I wonder if the callers believe that someone who has been convicted should be sentenced to a life without any future chance at employment.

None of this is meant to minimize the horrors of the dogfighting world. And, of course, some crimes should lead to some occupations being off-limits.

Role Models: You’re Kidding, Right?

The logic, if you could call it that, of some callers went like this. Professional athletes are role models, therefore, if they commit a crime, even if they do the time, they should never be allowed back on such an influential platform.

Please. Doctors are role models. Firefighters are role models. Nurses are role models. Teachers are role models. Pastors are role models. Mill workers are role models. Most importantly, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles are role models. But professional athletes like professional actors—they’ve proven long ago that though they are talented in their fields, they have not risen to the pinnacle of success because of their character.

Should they be role models? Could they be role models? Sure. But we ought to be teaching young people that character is what counts, not talent.

A Christian Approach: A Second Chance Because Of Redemption

As a follower of Christ, my ultimate prayer and longing for someone like Michael Vick is spiritual redemption—new life in Christ. Perhaps he has already experienced that; I do not know.

But also as a Christian, I would stand up for Michael Vick’s right to a second chance to use his talents in his career as a professional football player. Not simply on the basis of some humanitarian impulse, but on the foundation of theological principles such as forgiveness, grace, and yes, even “redemption.” While some may flippantly use this term, the spiritual ramifications of redemption ought to play out vocationally and relationally.

I forgive a brother when he sins against me on the basis of my having received forgiveness in Christ. I reconcile with a sister when we have had a dispute on the basis of having been reconciled to God through Christ. I give an employee a second chance because the father pursued the prodigal, Christ forgave the woman caught in adultery, and He gave the woman at the well a fifth chance (the man you are with now—your fifth man…).

Spiritual redemption in Christ should have practical implications relationally and vocationally. In fact, maybe we could view these comebacks, these second chances in life, as a small taste, a tiny glimpse of that ultimate spiritual redemption. Your act of grace toward me may be part of the Spirit’s work in bringing me to conviction and repentance.

Join the Conversation

Where do you stand? What is your attitude toward Michael Vick’s comeback?

Tags: Forgiveness, Michael Vick, NFL, Redemption

It’s Wonderful to Be Forgiven

The Big Idea: Learn how to help others to receive the wonders of Christ’s forgiveness. (Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.)

Grace Dispensers

When a brother or sister repents of sinful patterns of the heart, we need to become dispensers of Christ’s grace who communicate “it’s wonderful to be forgiven.” Three categories summarize the types of gospel conversations that enlighten others to grasp the wonders of forgiveness:

• Calm the Conscience

• Assure the Conscience

• Comfort the Conscience

Calm the Conscience

Since little counsel can be received when the conscience is in intense turmoil, refuse to let sin overwhelm the conscience. The worst sin of all is denying grace. Therefore, the worst thing that you can do is to allow Satan to overwhelm others so they despair of grace in the midst of their sin. Sin can be forgiven, but believing that sin can’t be forgiven leaves people hopelessly despairing. Satan tempts us to deny Christ’s claims, claiming instead that our sin is greater than Christ’s forgiveness. To calm the conscience, help people to distinguish between law and gospel, as Martin Luther did:

It is the supreme art of the devil that he can make the law out of the gospel. If I can hold on to the distinction between law and gospel, I can say to him any and every time that he should kiss my backside. Even if I sinned, I would say, “Should I deny the gospel on this account?”

To counter Satan’s lies, engage in spiritual conversations: 

• Where were you recruited into the idea that God is angry with you and rejects you when you sin? Who modeled this idea for you? Does it seem to square with your understanding of the Bible? Of grace? Of Christ?

• In the Scriptures (Psalm 1, Psalm 32, Psalm 51, and Romans 8:1-39) and throughout Church history, Christians have meditated on images of God and Christ. What images could you meditate on to increase your conviction that God is gracious to you even when you fail him?

• Christ always loves you and accepts you. What mental pictures have you used to keep this truth in the forefront of your mind?

• What do you think a person should do when they feel overcome and overwhelmed by sin?

• What does the Bible suggest that you do when you feel overwhelmed by sin?

• What does your pastor suggest that you do when you feel overwhelmed by sin?

• What do your Christian friends suggest that you do when you feel overwhelmed by sin?

• What do you tell others to do when they are overwhelmed by sin and crushed by guilt?

Assure the Conscience

The spirit of bondage enslaves the fleshly conscience, causing it to feel that it’s still under the weight of the law and the condemnation of God who it views as a harsh Judge. The Spirit of sonship liberates the spiritual conscience, causing it to understand that it’s now under the freedom of grace and the forgiveness of God who it correctly views as a merciful heavenly Father. The Spirit of sonship frees the conscience from fear, releasing it to trust. Knowing these truths, spiritual friends benefit from spiritual conversations:

• Throughout the Scriptures (Romans 5:1-11; 8:1-39; Galatians 3:1-29; 5:1-26) God tells us that we have peace with him through Jesus Christ. When do you experience his peace to the greatest extent? What are you doing differently when you experience his peace?

• Tell me about your experience of God’s peace. What is it like for you?

• I’m wondering how peace with God motivates you to love God and others.

• The Bible assures us that we’re no longer under condemnation. The spirit of bondage to guilt has been defeated. We’ve been set free to experience the Spirit of sonship—forgiveness, acceptance, and liberty. How are you allowing the Spirit of sonship to reign in your heart? By faith, how can you accept your acceptance in Christ?

• According to the Scriptures, who are you in Christ? Who are you to Christ?

Comfort the Conscience

The Bible teaches that believers are priests (1 Peter 2:1-8) and that God commands Christians to confess their sins one to another (James 5). Throughout Church history, believers knew mutual confession as the mutual consolation of the brethren through private confession.

When we have laid bare our conscience to our brother and privately make known to him the evil that lurked within, we receive from our brother’s lips the word of comfort spoken by God himself. And if we accept this in faith, we find peace in the mercy of God speaking to us through our brother (Luther, Bondage of the Will, 1531/1947, p. 201).

You can help people to experience a comforted conscience through spiritual conversations like:

• Tell me about times when you’ve experienced God’s forgiveness. What was it like?

• What Scriptures have you turned to, to find Christ’s forgiveness? Grace? Love? Friendship?

• The Bible talks so much about God’s grace, forgiveness, and acceptance of us based on our faith in Christ’s death for our sins. When are you most aware of and impacted by these truths? What does God seem to do to bring you to these points of awareness? How do you tend to be cooperating with God as he brings you to these points of awareness?

• How are you allowing other Christians to help you to enjoy and appreciate God’s grace?

• Let’s talk about ways that you’re using the spiritual disciplines to appreciate God’s grace.

• What passages are you meditating on to help you to cling to Christ’s forgiveness?

• Who offers you human tastes of grace that somehow mirror God’s infinite grace?

Join the Conversation

Which sample spiritual conversation do you most need?

Tags: Forgiveness, Spiritual Friends

Our Forgiving Father Celebrates with Us

In Luke 15:22-32, the greatest artist who ever lived readies His brush to paint the final scene in the greatest story ever told. It’s the scene depicting our celebration with our forgiving Father. Ten times in this one chapter we discover words for celebration. Tony Campolo is right when he proclaims that “the Kingdom of God is a party!”

The father is beside himself with glee. There’s music and there’s dancing. Jesus paints His Father’s portrait in vivid, living colors. Splashes of joy here. Gallons of cheer over there. Broad brush strokes of rejoicing all over the canvas. The father even tells the older son that they had to celebrate and be glad. There are few things our sovereign God has to do, but celebration is one of them. Our forgiving Father will not contain His joy!

We’re stunned at the thought that God has a good time. This party in Luke 15 stuns both sons. The younger son, the Prodigal as we know him, is a lot like us. We mess up, and then we rehearse our imaginary dialogue in our minds—a dialogue of shame. The prodigal practices his speech all the way home. Like a mantra, he repeats it slowly, robotically. “I’ve sinned against you and I’m unworthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.” Over and over again.

The hired servants occupied the lowest rung on the relational totem poll of the day. The son is saying, “I am not only not worthy to be your son, I’m not worthy to be your slave, or your servant even. I am only worthy of being your temporary hired servant.”

So ingrained is his unworthiness in his soul, that he gives his entire speech to his father! His father has raced out to him, is kissing him and celebrating over him, and this guy is still droning on with his speech. “I—–am—–not—–worthy . . .”

Notice how the father responds in verses 22-24 “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate.” The father is saying, “Let’s party hardy! The guest of honor at my party is my son, not my hired servant.” Our heavenly Father prepares a celebration reserved for His most special of guests: you and me whenever we return home.

The Big Question: “Who Do I Have to Forgive Me?”

Marghanita Laski, secular humanist and novelist, wrote just before her death in 1988, “What I envy most about you Christians is your forgiveness; I have nobody to forgive me.”

As you wait for the other shoe to drop, realize it already dropped on Christ. As you wait for the hammer to fall, realize it already fell on Christ. Whenever we return home, we have Somebody to forgive us.

We’re all prodigal sons and daughters—runaways—and yet we’re not disinherited, not disowned, never forsaken. Because of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection for our sin, we have peace with God. We’re God’s children. Our Father forgives us, loves us, wants us, celebrates with us!

Like a constant magnet, the forgiving heart of our Father draws us home—home to celebrate. Put your ear to the chest of Christ to hear the heartbeat of God—the heartbeat of our Forgiving Father.

Join the Conversation

Do you hear your Father’s “Welcome home!” Do you hear His voice of forgiveness? Are you returning home to receive His grace and love today? Everyday? Every moment?

Tags: Forgiveness, Prodigal Son