How to Learn to Love…All Over Again

I’ve had scores of responses to yesterday’s post, Learning to Love…All Over Again. Some asked, “So how do we learn to love all over again?”

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t believe in “five easy steps,” or “seven secrets to…” You can’t replicate relationships and you can’t shoe-horn relational growth into a one-size-fits-all scheme.

However, there are some basic principles upon which we can build and re-build our relationships. As I reflect on what Shirley and I “did,” here are some of the biblical principles we followed.

1. Change in the home starts with change in the heart (James 4:1-4).

James asks a brilliant diagnostic question. “What causes the conflicts you’re having?”

His immediately answer gets to the heart of the matter. It’s your heart relationship with Christ.” The ultimate heart issue that we all must repent of us spiritual adultery—putting anything or anyone in front of Christ in our lives.

If we want to “fix” a human relationship, we must start with tending to our spiritual relationship with Christ. When our God-relationship is holy, healthy, whole, and growing, we then have the foundation, perspective, and strength to change our relationships with one another.

2. Change takes candid, courageous, loving communication (Ephesians 4:25-32).

When I’m counseling couples, I never start with “communication skills.” If I help someone with a selfish, manipulative heart, all I’ve done is create a more effective, self-sufficient sinner.

However, once the heart is back on track toward Christ-centered and other-centered relating, then learning how to communicate is vital. That’s why Paul, in Ephesians 4:17-24, starts with issues of the heart, and then moves to communication issues.

Shirley and I engaged in some real and raw conversations about where we were as a couple. We faced the tension, spoke the truth in love, asked forgiveness, shared grace, and co-created new plans for a new and improved relationship.

3. Change takes God’s perspective on who the real enemy is (2 Corinthians 10:4-8).

When I counsel couples, I try to help them to make a major mental shift. They often come to marital counseling seeing each other as the enemy.

We explore the truth that Satan is the enemy of their marriage and that they need to unite as friends to fight together against Satan. What a difference it makes in our relationships (husband-wife, parent-child, church member-pastor, employer-employee) when we shift from fighting against each other to fighting together against Satan.

4. Change takes spiritual eyes/grace eyes (2 Corinthians 10:4-8).

When Paul talks about the weapons of our spiritual warfare, he reminds us that we tend to “look only on the surface of things” (2 Corinthians 10:7). Shirley and I had to see that our relationship growth required spiritual 20/20 vision.

Spiritual eyes include “grace eyes”—looking at one another with grace. This not only means seeing each other at our worst and forgiving one another. It also means perceiving the best in one another and nurturing those wonderful, God-given, Christ-like characteristics.

Martin Luther said that relationships are the number one spiritual discipline. In other words, if you want to grow in Christ, do it in the context of intimate, shared relationship. Marriage is God’s greenhouse for growing us into the image of Christ—if we will work together with grace eyes so we can help each other to grow together in grace.

Join the Conversation

What biblical principles do you need to apply to learn how to love…all over again?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Parenting

In response to my recent series on abuse and marriage, Elisabeth posted a passionate comment which I quote directly.

I respond to her comment below.

What are your thoughts?

Elisabeth’s Post:

“As I post my first comment, I must warn any potential readers that I have very strong views on this subject, which may offend a few people.”

“I am including the following information not as any kind of evidence that my insights or opinions have stronger validation or importance over that of anyone else. I only wish to provide a background as to why my opinions on this subject are so especially strong. I have worked as a Domestic Violence Counselor, Outreach Court Advocate, and Shelter Crisis Counselor at a Domestic Violence Shelter/Center. I can honestly say that, during my work there, many women faced additional difficulties because of an unhealthy religious background. I intentionally use the term “unhealthy” to describe, in my opinion, an unfortunate, incorrect and even dangerous view of many comments by Paul in both Corinthians and Timothy.”

“Furthermore, although domestic violence comes in many forms and levels of extremes, for most habitual offenders/perpetrators, there is very little evidence that these people can be rehabilitated. In fact, most domestic violence centers will not counsel the perpetrators due to this fact and others. This will, I am sure, cause some strong feelings, but the success stories I have seen, usually involved a legal separation, followed by a divorce. However, I would be very interested in any information that would should programs that have a better probability of helping the perpetrators of these crimes to become non-violent, loving, truly God-lead spouses.”

Elisabeth,

Dr. Kellemen’s Response

Elisabeth, thank you for your comment and for your passion for protecting those who have been abused.

The Study Says

To be honest, I am often intrigued when I hear a generic statement that “studies show” or “there is very little evidence that” and then no footnotes or links are given. And even if the footnotes are given, we all know that with the plethora of info out there, anyone could “cherry pick” “studies” that support their view. I am not saying you are doing this, I just mention this for our readership. I’d like to read any specific studies you have. I’d like to see if the combined work of the Body of Christ, civil authorities, biblical counseling, group ministry, accountability, etc., were used.

Changing Lives with Christ’s Changeless Truth

Further, and most importantly, the Bible says that through Christ’s resurrection power change can and does occur in any and all issues:

“Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanders nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:10-11).

Christ does change lives. Christ’s Gospel of grace not only saves from sin but also empowers us to be sanctified–to change, to grow, to mature. It is supernatural to mature.

As a counselor and pastor, if I only counseled people when the stats said it was highly likely that change would occur, then my job would be a lot easier. It is the “hard cases” that bring the tears and also the joy of victory. I have personally seen the Body of Christ work together to bring healing to marriages and change to abusive relationships many times.

I do think your post brings up an important point: biblical Christian counseling needs more outcome studies. It would be extremely amazing to an onlooking world to show the power of Christ’s Gospel of grace to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth.

I’d love to hear from other readers on this issue.

Bob

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

Today, in my final blog post in this mini-series, I have some words to share for various individuals and groups.

*To the spouse experiencing abuse
*To the abusive spouse
*To pastors, counselors, and spiritual friends
*To the Body of Christ

To the Spouse Experiencing Abuse

Please, do not suffer in silence. Please, do not suffer alone.

I know, sometimes telling others can mean being revictimized because they disbelieve you, minimize, give pat answers, etc.

I know, depending on the situation, you’ve been told, “This is a private, family issue.” Or, you’ve been threatened if you tell anyone else.

Still, find a safe way to tell a safe person and get help for yourself, your marriage, your family.

Even if your spouse will not seek help, you need the support of others. Even one person changing—you—changing the dynamics of the situation.

We think of abuse being from husband to wife. However, my ministry experience and the private responses to this blog tell me that many wives are being abusive to their husbands. Husbands—get help. Overcome the stigma and be a shepherd in your home by facing the issue.

We care. I care. The Body of Christ cares. Most importantly, Christ cares.

To the Abusive Spouse

You can stop. Christ’s resurrection power is available.

Get help. Go to the Lord. Go to the Word. Go to your pastor. Get an accountability partner and an accountability group.

Humble yourself before God. Face reality. Deal with your inner heart issues. Change your behavior. Renew your heart and renew your home.

To Pastors, Counselors, and Spiritual Friends

Always remember 1 Thessalonians and the two “ingredients” in Paul’s “love sandwich”:

“I loved you so much that I was delighted to give you not only the Scriptures but my very own soul, because you were dear to me” (1 Thess. 2:8).

Paul starts and ends his words with love. In between these two “slices” of life, he inserts the two fundamental “ingredients” of Scripture and soul.

Truly biblical counseling begins and ends with love. It is speaking the truth in love. It is love abounding in depth of insight.

Truly biblical counseling is not impersonal; it is not preaching at, it is intimately engaging others with Christ’s pure love.

And truly biblical counseling involves both truth and love, both Scripture and soul. Engage the abusive marital situation from the context of the Word of God, not where you preach at, but where you converse, dialogue, and trialogue (you the counselor, the counselee, and the Divine Counselor).

Don’t victimize the victim. Love the spouse being abused. Equip him or her to live with bold love.

Don’t minimize the abuse, care-front the abusive spouse in love. Empower the abusive spouse to change by tapping into Christ’s resurrection power.

Be for the marriage and be for God’s glory.

To the Body of Christ

Let’s stop the silence.

Scores of people responded to me privately saying, “It’s about time someone talked about this in Christian circles.”

Preach and teach and do small group lessons on “texts of terror” in the Old Testament—which is not silent about abuse, especially males abusing women.

Preach and teach and do small group lessons on marriage.

Preach and teach and do small group lessons on God’s compassion for those who are victimized.

May we speak the truth in love so that the whole body grows together in truth and love. So that the onlooking world marvels at the way the church honestly handles this vital issue. So that the world witnesses in real life Christ’s resurrection power.

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

The Extremes

Since I began this series nearly a week ago, the reactions have been all across the spectrum. I’ve had extremes from:

*“Counsel the couple? Are you kidding! If my husband abused me there would be a one-word counsel: ‘leave!’”

*“Claiming abuse is just an angry, petty, immature woman’s response to a firm but loving husband. My counsel to her would be two words, ‘grow up!’”

Hmm. That could make biblical marriage counseling for abuse quick: “Leave!” “Grow up!”

Let’s avoid these extremes, and let’s examine how to truly help a couple involved with abuse in their marriage.

Remembering the Basic Principles

In Part 1 (http://tinyurl.com/mcr26y), we highlighted “safety first.” Use the resources of the Body of Christ and the civil authorities to protect the abused spouse.

In Part 2 (http://tinyurl.com/qhrvhw), we introduced the following principles of biblical marriage counseling:

*Infuse Hope

*Be for the Marriage, Not on Either Spouse’s “Side”

*Be for God’s Glory

*Focus on Win/Win

*At Times Win/Offend: Confront One Partner, Comfort the Other Partner

*Help Spouses to Understand Maleness and Femaleness

*Help Spouses to Understand Biblical Roles of Husbands and Wives

In Part 3 (http://tinyurl.com/mgdz6b), we discussed basic principles of biblical counseling with an abusive spouse. By now the abusive spouse is repentant, and is empowered to stop the abuse.

In Part 4 (http://tinyurl.com/lnakln), we equipped you with an overview approach to counseling someone being victimized (sinned against) by spousal abuse. By now you have helped the victimized spouse to practice bold love. You have helped this spouse to begin to grant forgiveness, while still holding the abusing spouse accountable for changed behavior.

Now in Part 5, we return to the issue of counseling the couple together. Remember, prayerfully, safety has been reestablished, the abusive spouse is repentant, maturing, and changing, and the abused spouse is practicing bold love. Both want to make their marriage work. Both want to be in counseling.

You’ve set the ground for effective biblical marriage counseling for abuse. Which means, to the surprise of some, that you work on the marriage! In other words, you don’t only work on the abusive spouse. You don’t only focus on the abusive spouse. The three of you work together on and for the marriage.

Have the Couple Relate to Each Other in Your Presence

Many counselors seem ill-equipped for marriage counseling. They simply make it “individual counseling in front of each other.” They counsel the husband while the wife watches. Then they counsel the wife while the husband watches.

Yes, in marriage counseling there are brief times when the focus will be on one spouse or the other. However, to make this the totality of marriage counseling loses the power of joint counseling.

Instead, get the couple talking to each other. Have them interact. Have them relate in front of you.

As they relate intimately and intensely, the real person will come out. The real relationship will unfold before you. In intimacy, you can’t hide. You can’t fake it for long.

Notice that you are not simply having them talk about their marriage. That simply becomes “he said, she said.” You are having them talk to each other.

As they do, the layers come off. The real person is exposed. Their patterns of relating become clear. Now you have plenty of “material” to deal with.

The husband may have been telling you what a wonderful, godly husband he is and how his wife is at fault. Then, right before you, you see him trying to intimidate her. Or you witness him being weak and childish.

The wife may have been telling you what the perfect Proverbs 31 wife she is and that her husband is always at fault. Then, right before you, you see her emotionally abusing her husband. Or you witness her playing the mother or the little girl.

Getting them relating to each other is like being a fly on the wall.

No more, “he said, she said.” Now it’s, “they are doing.”

Expose Their Sinful Relational Styles and the Idols behind Them

James 4:1-8 asks and answers the greatest marital counseling question: “What causes the fights and quarrels among you?” Picture yourself seeing these fights and quarrels right now as you counsel the couple as they relate in your presence.

(Of course, you have already exposed the sinfulness of the emotionally abusive wife or the mentally abusive husband. And you are continually working with that wife or that husband on their victory over those sins.)

Now is the time to expose their sinful failure to love and respect one another. Now is the time to expose their sinful failure to live out their godly maleness and femaleness. Now is the time to expose how together they are failing to live out God’s relational calling and pattern for their marriage.

Additionally, as James explains, now is also the time to expose the sinful idols behind their sinful behaviors. James says that the cause of our sin in our homes is sin in our hearts. I sin against my spouse when I demand that my spouse meet my needs. I demand that my spouse meet my needs when I refuse to humbly go to God. I sin against God by replacing Him with my spouse. Since no human being can replace God, my spouse lets me down. I then manipulate my spouse. I then retaliate against my spouse. The vicious cycle of sin has replaced the victorious cycle of growth.

Infuse Repentance, Grace, Forgiveness, and Christ’s Resurrection Power

Now you help the couple to repent together before and to God. Now you help the couple to see their absolute need together for God’s grace. Now you help the couple to ask and to give forgiveness to one another for their behavioral sins against God and each other and for their heart sins against God and against one another. And now you help them to put off their old sinful patterns and to put on their new resurrection power in Christ.

There’s so much more we could say here. In our seminary program, we spend 75 hours of graduate training in the how to of biblical marriage counseling. But these principles from these first five blogs should at least start the helping process.

Where Do We Go from Here?

Of course, some will be saying, “But should they even be in counseling? Isn’t abuse grounds for divorce? Therefore, instead of seeing a counselor, shouldn’t they be seeing a lawyer?”

We address the controversial issue of abuse and divorce in our next post.

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

*In Part 1 (http://tinyurl.com/mcr26y), we highlighted “safety first.”

*In Part 2 (http://tinyurl.com/qhrvhw), we overviewed introductory principles of biblical marital counseling.

*In Part 3 (http://tinyurl.com/mgdz6b), we discussed basic principles of biblical counseling with an abusive spouse.

*Now in Part 4, we equip you with an overview approach to counseling someone being victimized (sinned against) by spousal abuse.

What’s In a Name?

Notice that I try to avoid the label “victim.” The spouse who is being abused has certainly been sinfully and horribly victimized. However, “victim” is not their identity. Their primary identity in Christ is “saint,” “son/daughter/child of God, and “victor in Christ.” We seek to empower a victimized spouse to move to victory in Christ.

A Comprehensive Approach

As with ministry to the abusive spouse, so ministry to the spouse being victimized by abuse requires a comprehensive approach. This could include:

1. Where necessary, involve the civil authorities. See Post 1 on this issue.

2. Where necessary, involve godly women and godly couples in housing the abused spouse for the sake of safety.

3. Assign spiritual friends, mentors, and encouragement partners to minister to the abused spouse.

4. Be sure that the abused spouse is involved in a healthy small group.

5. Be sure that the abused spouse is active in Sunday morning worship and adult Sunday School.

6. Be sure that the abused spouse is practicing the spiritual disciplines.

7. To the extent that the abused spouse has a strong and healthy extended family, involve them in ministry to the victimized spouse.

Individual Counseling

Individual counseling for the abused spouse should include:

*Sustaining
*Healing
*Reconciling
*Guiding

Sustaining: “It’s Normal to Hurt”

God calls us to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). We are to comfort the suffering with the same comfort we have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-11).

The person being victimized by spousal abuse can experience a torrent of emotions: shame, confusion, loss, anger, fear, anxiety, depression. Created to be loved and respected in marriage, the person instead experiences hateful behavior and disrespect. We must climb in the casket of their despair (2 Corinthians 1:8-9) and be Jesus with skin on. We need to safe and trustworthy, caring and comforting.

Healing: “It’s Possible to Hope”

We never victimize victims by implying in any way that they caused their abuse. The abusive spouse is always responsible for his or her actions.

However, we do help the victimized spouse to respond biblically. We “trialogue” together (the counselee, the counselor, and the Divine Counselor) by exploring pertinent biblical principles that apply to abusive situations.

We help the person to understand that God is good even when life is bad. We help the person to find hope in the midst of despair. We explore together biblical grief and healing. We help the person to see life with spiritual eyes.

Reconciling: “It’s Horrible to Sin, But Wonderful to Be Forgiven”

Please read the following very carefully. Please remember that we do not victimize the victim. Please remember that there is no excuse for abusing a spouse.

That said, there are two areas in the life of the spouse being abused that we may want to explore.

1. Sinful Responses to Sinful Abuse: Let’s be honest, few of us respond in a 100% pure manner to being sinned against. If a driver cuts us off, our attitude may be sinful. If our boss is snippy with us, our inner response may be sinful.

So certainly someone enduring the horrors of spousal abuse may be responding in less-than-godly ways. We would be less-than-caring counselors, pastors, and spiritual friends if we ignored the possibility.

Be careful here. You may well be accused by the victimized spouse of re-victimization. Gently respond by speaking the truth in love. Interact about why you need to explore these areas. Then continue to explore potential areas of sinful reactions. While exposing sin and guilt, always enlighten your counselee to God’s grace. Where sin abounds, grace super-abounds (Romans 5:20).

2. Sinful Relating before the Abuse: Again, let’s be honest, no married person relates perfectly to his or her spouse. So we must examine potential ways of relating that need to change if the marriage is to glorify God.

Also, while never causing and never excusing abuse, some behaviors can be contributing factors.

Perhaps a husband has been repeatedly emotionally abused by his wife. She has been consistently disrespectful, thus breaking the commands in Ephesians 5. Has the husband contributed to the situation by breaking the commands in Ephesians 5 to nourish, cherish, shepherd, and love his wife like Christ loves the church?

Perhaps a wife has been emotionally abused by a controlling, dominating, dictatorial husband. Has the wife contributed to the situation by being demeaning, disrespectful, and perfectionistic?

Guiding: “It’s Supernatural to Mature”

The victimized spouse needs:

1. Enlightenment: To see who he or she is in Christ and to understand biblical principles of godly living in the home. With abuse, this includes bold love—the wisdom to know when and how to confront the abusive spouse, to hold the spouse accountable, and to refuse to allow the abuse to continue.

2. Empowering: Knowing “how to” and being “able to” are two sides of one coin. The victimized spouse needs RPMs: Resurrection Power Multipliers (Philippians 3:10). He or she needs to learn how to tap into Christ’s power and how to apply God’s truth to daily life and marital relationships.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Assuming that the victimized spouse wants reconciliation, and assuming that the victimizing spouse is truly repentant, is receiving counsel, and is changing, then 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 is vital.

Here Paul tells us that it is Satan’s scheme to outwit us by overwhelming us with guilt. We team with Satan when we fail to forgive one another!

Paul tells us that when someone responds to biblical counsel and discipline that we ought to forgive and comfort the person, so that he or she will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Paul urges us to reaffirm our love for the repentant person.

Often this is the most difficult and the longest part of biblical counseling with the spouse who has been victimized by abuse. The abused spouse is right to have righteous anger. He or she is right to express bold love that requires repentance and change. It is normal for the abused spouse to hurt.

However, nothing excuses an unforgiving spirit. Marriages rocked by abuse will never heal if the victimized spouse continually condemns victimizing spouse and continually reminds the victimizing spouse of past sins.

Where Do We Go From Here?

In our next post, we will explore how to provide marital counseling for an abusive situation. Then we will examine the hotly debated issue of divorce and spousal abuse.

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

*In Part 1 (http://tinyurl.com/mcr26y), we highlighted “safety first.”

*In Part 2 (http://tinyurl.com/qhrvhw), we overviewed introductory principles of biblical marital counseling.

*Now, in Part 3, we discuss basic principles of biblical counseling with an abusive spouse.

Labels and Our Identity in Christ

First, notice my language: “an abusive spouse.” I did not say, “an abuser” as if that is the sole or primary identity of the person. Nothing shouts “Hopeless, worthless loser!” like all-encompassing labels such as “abuser.”

In no way does this minimize the sin of the abuse nor the damage of the abuse. But it does communicate the biblical truth that the core identity of a Christian is a saint and son/daughter of God. So, we are counseling “a saint and child of God who is sinfully acting as an abusive spouse.”

Take a Comprehensive Community Approach: Not Just Counseling

It might surprise you coming from someone who has authored several books on biblical counseling (Soul Physicians, Spiritual Friends, Beyond the Suffering, Sacred Friendships) and who is Chairman of a Christian counseling program, that I would say “not just counseling.” Trust me, individual and marital counseling alone will not be enough to bring lasting change to an abusive spouse. Nor is it biblical to isolate biblical counseling from the Body of Christ.

From the very first meeting with an abusive spouse, insist on a comprehensive approach. This could include:

*The counselee meeting weekly with an accountability partner/spiritual friend.

*The counselee attending a weekly small group with a focus on victory over abuse, anger management, etc.
*The counselee attending church and adult Sunday School every week.

*The counselee practicing spiritual disciplines such as Bible reading, prayer, Scripture memorization, Scripture meditation, silence, solitude, etc.

*If the counselee is non-repentant, then the church should begin their church discipline process. (Every church should have a Church Discipline and Restoration Policy that every member reads upon joining.)

Take a Comprehensive Counseling Approach: Ministering to the Whole Person

When working in a marital abuse situation I always counsel the abusive spouse weekly and counsel the abused spouse weekly.

It may surprise you that, especially initially, I may not counsel the couple together. If the abuse is intense, the anger and rage deep, and the fear profound, I sometimes work individually helping the abusive spouse to come to a point of realization, acknowledgement, repentance, confession, and self-control.

I simultaneously work with the abused spouse to come to a point of wise bold love (how to respond to the abusive spouse), forgiveness, biblical self-understanding, and work on this spouse’s own “issues.”

The first part of comprehensive biblical counseling for the abusive spouse is directing the spouse away from an “Adam-like” mentality: “The woman you gave me.” So many abusive spouses blame the victim. While it is true that some spouses know how to antagonize an abusive spouse, and while it is true that both spouses need to work on personal maturity, it is never true that my spouse caused me to abuse them.

You will get nowhere in counseling an abusive spouse until you help that spouse to accept personal responsibility. Repeatedly you will be saying:

“We are not talking about your spouse right now. In my individual meetings with your spouse and when we start marital counseling, your spouse will deal with personal issues. But right now, if you want to save your marriage and if you want to glorify God, then you have to accept full responsibility for your abusive behavior.”

As the abusive spouse takes responsibility, it must be comprehensive. Some spouses will say, “Yes, it was wrong when I ______” (fill in the blank with the abusive action). While taking behavioral responsibility is a start, we work for heart change. That means:

1. Taking spiritual responsibility: Sin in the home always begins with sin in the heart. Sin in human relationships always begins with sin in our relationship to God (see James 4:1-8). Help the spouse to see sinful idols of the heart, false lovers of the soul, and ungodly affections (see Jeremiah 2). Help the spouse to repent of their sin against God. Help the spouse to see and accept God’s forgiveness. Help the spouse to begin to renew their worship, dependent relationship to God.

2. Taking social/relational responsibility: Again, this means accepting my role, my sin, regardless of how another person relates to me. Help the spouse to see the sin against their spouse, to see the damage done, and to repent. Help the spouse to understand and implement biblical principles of godly living as a husband or wife.

3. Taking rational/mental responsibility: This involves exposing and confessing sinful beliefs. It means putting off lies of Satan. It means putting on a renewed mind. It means believing and living the Truth of God.

4. Taking motivational responsibility: An abusive spouse must come to understand why they do what they do. What sinful goals, purposes, and motives drive their actions and reactions? What sinful pathways must the spouse repent of? What new, unselfish pathways and godly purposes should the spouse put on?

5. Taking behavioral responsibility: Here is where most counseling seems to start and finish. It is a vital part, but only a part. Yes, confess the specific sinful action. See the damage done. Help the spouse to begin to replace sinful actions with loving, godly, mature behavior.

6. Taking emotional responsibility: Help the spouse to confess unmanaged mood states and uncontrolled emotions. Help the spouse to put on managed moods and biblical emotional expression and responses.

Some Hallmarks of Comprehensive Biblical Counseling

Notice several hallmarks of comprehensive biblical counseling for marital abuse:

1. Sin and Grace (Romans 5:20): “It’s horrible to sin but wonderful to be forgiven.”

Yes, the person is repenting of sin in all areas of life. Additionally, you are helping the person to understand and apply God’s grace (see Luke 15 and the parable of the prodigal son).

2. Putting Off and Putting On (Ephesians 4:17-24): “It’s supernatural to mature.”

We never simply say, “Stop doing X, Y, and Z.” We also say, “The Bible teaches you how to tap into Christ’s resurrection power so that you can put off the old ways of living and put on the new, godly ways of relating.” In spiritual direction through guiding, we help an abusive spouse to apply the truth that “it’s supernatural to mature.”

3. Patterns of Relating

We never simply confront one incident of sin. We enlighten, expose, exhort, discuss, examine, and confront patterns of relating. Expose patterns of sinful affections, mindsets, pathways, and mood states. When an abusive spouse begins to see the tentacles of sin pervasively invading all aspects of relating in a consistent way, then godly sorrow leads to God-honoring repentance and God-dependence.

In a blog post, all we can do is “hit the high spots.” For comprehensive equipping in comprehensive biblical counseling consider Soul Physicians (http://tinyurl.com/d8grf6) and Spiritual Friends (http://tinyurl.com/coh23r).

Where Do We Go From Here?

In our next post, we’ll explore how to counsel someone victimized by spousal abuse. In the post after that, we’ll examine marital counseling in abuse situations.