The Grace Wife

On May 23, 1981, at Berean Baptist Church in Richmond, VA, Pastor Ralph Hubble pronounced Bob Kellemen and Shirley Vernon “husband and wife.”

On Our 30th Anniversary

If my math is correct, and it had better be, that makes today our 30th Anniversary.  

Because of how many marriages seem to fail in today’s world, many people have asked, “What’s your secret?”

I’m not a big believer in “secret steps” to anything. Obviously, I believe that a Christ-centered marriage is the not-so-secret secret.

Beyond that, I can personally attest to the fact that our marriage has survived and thrived because Shirley is a Grace Wife. There is no one I know better than Shirley, and, I can honestly say, there is no one who better reflects Christ’s grace than Shirley.

Don’t just take my word for it. Consider my seventeen-year-old nephew. He recently commented, “No one is kinder, sweeter, or more gracious than Aunt Shirley.”

High praise from a teenage male!

And he’s right. His words remind me of several passages that convey how Shirley models Christ’s grace.

Romans 2:4: “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?”

Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 5:1-2: “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

Jesus with Skin On

I write and speak a lot about “Jesus with skin on.” About how we need to give one another tastes of Christ’s grace.

Shirley is Jesus with skin on for me. She gives me continual tastes of grace.

How has our marriage survived and thrived? Because Shirley is an imitator of God, of Christ.

Happy Anniversary, Shirley. I love you. Thank you for being my grace wife.

Join the Conversation

How do marriages survive and thrive?

Tags: Anniversary, Grace, Marriage, Shirley Kellemen

Learning to Love…All Over Again

This week, Shirley and I watched a show that depicted a brain-injured husband whose personality drastically changed. The show raised the dilemma of how his wife would deal with being married to a man who was very different from the man she had married decades earlier.

In the episode, they faced three logical options:

1. Remain committed to the marriage without really knowing, liking, or “loving” each other.

2. Divorce.

3. Learn to love the “new you.”

Fortunately, and atypical for most TV, they chose option three.

The Mid-Marriage Years

Shirley and I reflected on the show in terms of our own marriage—now in its 30th year (and having known each other for 33 years—since our late teen years). We also reflected on our past five years—our empty nest years where both our children are now out of the home and on their own.

After twenty-five years of marriage as parents, Shirley and I faced the reality that we had to get to know each other all over again—not just as parents, but more importantly, as husband and wife, as soul mates, as best friends.

In our early 50s now, we are not the same people we were at 19! In fact, we are not the same people we “fell in love with” over three decades ago.

As we faced these realities, we never wavered in our commitment to our marriage. But I’m not convinced that that is “Christian enough.” We’ve all seen Christian couples remain committed to the institution of marriage for decades, while obviously not continuing to live loving lives with one another.

Loving with the Whole Heart

The Bible calls us not only to commitment to the institution of marriage, and not only to a moralistic commitment to one person. The Bible calls us to a growing holistic loving relationship.

God created and designed us to be relational with affections, longings, and desires; rational with thoughts and beliefs; volitional with motivations and actions; emotional with feelings and moods; and physical with bodies. Thus God calls us to love one another with the whole heart—relationally, rationally, volitionally, emotionally, and physically.

In the past five years, Shirley and I have had to re-learn how to love the new “us.” We’ve had to get reacquainted.

We’ve worked to renew our affections (relational) for the new “us.” This is romantic love if you will—which is a biblical love (see Proverbs, Song of Solomon) just as much as “committed” love is.

We’ve worked to renew our knowledge (rational) of each other. We’ve worked to live together with our spouse according to knowledge/understanding/consideration (1 Peter 3:7). We’ve gotten to know, like, love, appreciate, and respect the people we’ve become and are.

We’ve worked to renew our committed love (volitional) for each other. We are called to love each other with Christ-like/God-like agape love—self-sacrificing, giving love (John 3:16; Ephesians 5:21-33).

We’ve worked to renew our emotional connection (emotional) to each other. I know, in “Christian circles” we act as if “emotions” are bad and we should ignore them. God, who is an emotional Being, created us in His emotional image. He calls us to develop emotional connection to one another (Romans 12:15)—to like and enjoy and care about each other.

We’ve worked to renew our physical connection (see Song of Solomon…enough said).

We now are best friends all over again. We would marry each other again if we met today. We’ve learned to love each other…all over again.

What’s the Point?

Though this is a much more “personal blog post” than I normally share (and, yes, I did ask Shirley’s permission), this post is really not simply about my marriage. It’s about all relationships.

People change. Love needs to grow with those changes. Our relationships need to mature as we mature.

Recently married? Allow this post to be your “marital counsel” that I wish someone had offered Shirley and me decades ago.

Not married? This applies to you also. Maybe you’re a young adult or a late teen—are you working hard (relationships take hard work) to re-learn how to relate to and love your parents?

Parents, are you working hard to re-learn how to relate to and love your children? The relationship can’t get stuck in the idealized “I miss when they were little kids.” They’re not little kids—learn to love and to like the new “them.”

Single? You and your friends change. Re-learn how to love them…all over again.

Church? Oh my! Churches change. I could write a book on how people need to re-learn how to love one another in local churches as new members join, as new pastors come, as new ministries are launched.

Relationships aren’t static—frozen in time. They change because we change. Keep knowing and growing. Work hard each day to re-learn how to love each other…all over again.

Join the Conversation

Who do you need to re-learn to love…all over again?

Tags: Marriage, Parenting, Relationships

What Causes Our Fights and Quarrels?

It’s so easy to think of how big or small my slice of the pie is compared to the next person. Sadly, we bring that same competitive, hoarding spirit into the work of the Spirit. That’s true regarding the Spirit’s work in our marriages and it’s true regarding the Spirit’s work in our ministries.

An Inspired Question

James said it well (actually, he said it perfectly well since he said it under the Spirit’s inspiration) in James 4:1-4. James asks the age-old question:

“What causes the fights and quarrels among you?”

What causes the fights and quarrels among husbands and wives? What causes the fights and quarrels among church members? What causes the fights and quarrels between various counseling “groups”?

James offers God’s answer to any with ears to hear; to any with the wisdom and humility to listen.

“Don’t they come out from the desires that battle (soldier) within you? You desire but you have not. When you don’t get what you want, you kill and covet—you retaliate and manipulate, and yet that still doesn’t get you what you want. So you quarrel and you fight some more—the vicious spiral spirals ever deeper.”

When we imagine life as a competition, then everyone else is, of course, our competitor. When our image of life is a war, then everyone else is, of course, our enemy. When we see life as a finite pie, then everyone else is racing against us for their slice of our pie.

A Supposedly Inspiring Answer

The world has a solution—compete smarter, fight better, race faster. To the victor goes the spoils. To the winner goes the crown.

Of course, the world’s solution is based upon the world’s angle. From the small angle of small minds looking at what seems to be a finite, small world, there’s only so much “stuff” out there. I have to demand my share of the finite stuff. The one with the most toys wins.

Some how this line of “reasoning” is supposed to inspire us. And inspire it does—it inspires a me-against-you, an us-against-them mentality. If the “victor” gets the “spoils” in a marriage, then what does the “loser” get? If my “side” of the church squabble “wins,” then what does the “losing side” end up with? If my “camp” in the seemingly never-ending “counseling wars” “wins,” then what does that leave the other “camps” with?

I’m sorry, but even as fleshly as I can be, I am decreasingly inspired by this “hoard the wealth” mindset.

An Eternally and Daily Inspiring Answer

Forget the world’s answer to a worldly problem. Consider God’s answer.

“You have not, because you do not humbly ask God. You have not, because even when you do ask, you ask with selfish motives—in order that in the pleasures of YOU, you may squander.”

When we assume that God is a Hoarder and that His universe has a finite supply of “stuff,” then even when we think to ask God for “stuff,” even “ministry stuff” (like a “better marriage,” a “bigger church,” a “ministry with larger impact”), then in God’s eyes (and His eyes are the only ones that matter), our motives are selfish.

God does not care about our agendas. God cares about our getting on board with His agenda. God does not focus on our kingdom building. God focuses on our building His Kingdom.

If I think that God is a Hoarder and His universe has a finite supply of the stuff I think I need, then I demand my share (more than your share!) of His limited stuff.

In marriage, I demand my share of being “right,” my share of my “needs being met,” my share of “satisfaction.” In church conflict, I demand my share of putting you “in your place,” my share of the “congregation’s trust.” In counseling wars, I demand my “market share” of “followers,” I demand my slice of the people-pie saying, “I am of your group!”

How immature. How childish. How sinful. How worldly. How adulterous!

“Adulteresses!” James labels us.

“Don’t you know that loving the world’s way means hating God and God’s way? Anyone who chooses to befriend the mindset of the cosmos, chooses to be God’s enemy! Repent! Draw near to God! He gives ever more grace!”

God Is a Grace Rewarder, Not a Hoarder

God’s supply is never exhausted. His supply of grace is infinite. God is a grace Rewarder. Those who come to Him, the author of Hebrews reminds us, must believe that He exists, and that he generously, graciously rewards those who diligently, humbly seek Him.

In the beginning of our fallen cosmos, Satan schemed to deceive our spiritual parents into believing the unspiritual lie that God was a “Shalt-Not-God.” “God,” Satan whispers then and now, “is a Hoarder and His supply is limited. Grab the fruit of the tree now before someone else exhausts His limited supply.”

“God,” the Spirit whispers in His still, small voice then and now, “so loves the world that He gave infinitely—He gave His only begotten Son that whosever believes shall not perish but shall have everlasting life.”

“God,” the Son whispers in His authoritative, loving voice then and now, “so loves the world that He gives infinitely. That’s why I came—to give you everlasting life and ever-expanding life—abundant life. Spoiling and spilling over life—not so you could consume it on your own lust, but so you could share it out of the overflow of my Father’s infinite supply!”

So What? What’s It About?

Since God is a generous grace Rewarder who showers us with everlasting life and ever-expanding life (eternal life and abundant life) . . . so . . . we give. So . . . we mimic His giving, His sharing.

So, in our marriages, we are not competing for a limited supply of who is right or who is satisfied or whose needs are met. We are working together to advance God’s Kingdom of giving to others out of the overflow of God’s infinite love working in and through us.

So, in our churches, we are not competing with the other “faction” for a finite supply of whose style of music or style of preaching or style of leadership or style of youth ministry or style of carpet wins the day. We are working together to win the lost and equip the found so that God’s eternal, expanding is advanced in and through us.

So, in our “counseling wars,” we are not contending against rivals to see who will shout, “I am of Paul, I am of Apollos, I am of Cephas!” We are building bridges and working together to say, “We are of Christ—the infinite God who has generously graced us with forgiveness and with resources that are everlasting and ever-expanding so we minister in humble harmony learning from each other, empowering each other, respecting each other—so that the Body of Christ dances to the eternal song of the Trinity.”

It’s not about market share. It’s about sharing the mark of the Trinity—the eternal Community of mutual admiration and adoration. The everlasting Community of overflowing goodness and oneness. The infinite Community of equality and mutuality.

Join the Conversation

Where does the Christian community need to quit competing and start serving?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Christian Living, James 4, Marriage, Ministry

In response to my recent series on abuse and marriage, Elisabeth posted a passionate comment which I quote directly.

I respond to her comment below.

What are your thoughts?

Elisabeth’s Post:

“As I post my first comment, I must warn any potential readers that I have very strong views on this subject, which may offend a few people.”

“I am including the following information not as any kind of evidence that my insights or opinions have stronger validation or importance over that of anyone else. I only wish to provide a background as to why my opinions on this subject are so especially strong. I have worked as a Domestic Violence Counselor, Outreach Court Advocate, and Shelter Crisis Counselor at a Domestic Violence Shelter/Center. I can honestly say that, during my work there, many women faced additional difficulties because of an unhealthy religious background. I intentionally use the term “unhealthy” to describe, in my opinion, an unfortunate, incorrect and even dangerous view of many comments by Paul in both Corinthians and Timothy.”

“Furthermore, although domestic violence comes in many forms and levels of extremes, for most habitual offenders/perpetrators, there is very little evidence that these people can be rehabilitated. In fact, most domestic violence centers will not counsel the perpetrators due to this fact and others. This will, I am sure, cause some strong feelings, but the success stories I have seen, usually involved a legal separation, followed by a divorce. However, I would be very interested in any information that would should programs that have a better probability of helping the perpetrators of these crimes to become non-violent, loving, truly God-lead spouses.”

Elisabeth,

Dr. Kellemen’s Response

Elisabeth, thank you for your comment and for your passion for protecting those who have been abused.

The Study Says

To be honest, I am often intrigued when I hear a generic statement that “studies show” or “there is very little evidence that” and then no footnotes or links are given. And even if the footnotes are given, we all know that with the plethora of info out there, anyone could “cherry pick” “studies” that support their view. I am not saying you are doing this, I just mention this for our readership. I’d like to read any specific studies you have. I’d like to see if the combined work of the Body of Christ, civil authorities, biblical counseling, group ministry, accountability, etc., were used.

Changing Lives with Christ’s Changeless Truth

Further, and most importantly, the Bible says that through Christ’s resurrection power change can and does occur in any and all issues:

“Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanders nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:10-11).

Christ does change lives. Christ’s Gospel of grace not only saves from sin but also empowers us to be sanctified–to change, to grow, to mature. It is supernatural to mature.

As a counselor and pastor, if I only counseled people when the stats said it was highly likely that change would occur, then my job would be a lot easier. It is the “hard cases” that bring the tears and also the joy of victory. I have personally seen the Body of Christ work together to bring healing to marriages and change to abusive relationships many times.

I do think your post brings up an important point: biblical Christian counseling needs more outcome studies. It would be extremely amazing to an onlooking world to show the power of Christ’s Gospel of grace to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth.

I’d love to hear from other readers on this issue.

Bob

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

Today, in my final blog post in this mini-series, I have some words to share for various individuals and groups.

*To the spouse experiencing abuse
*To the abusive spouse
*To pastors, counselors, and spiritual friends
*To the Body of Christ

To the Spouse Experiencing Abuse

Please, do not suffer in silence. Please, do not suffer alone.

I know, sometimes telling others can mean being revictimized because they disbelieve you, minimize, give pat answers, etc.

I know, depending on the situation, you’ve been told, “This is a private, family issue.” Or, you’ve been threatened if you tell anyone else.

Still, find a safe way to tell a safe person and get help for yourself, your marriage, your family.

Even if your spouse will not seek help, you need the support of others. Even one person changing—you—changing the dynamics of the situation.

We think of abuse being from husband to wife. However, my ministry experience and the private responses to this blog tell me that many wives are being abusive to their husbands. Husbands—get help. Overcome the stigma and be a shepherd in your home by facing the issue.

We care. I care. The Body of Christ cares. Most importantly, Christ cares.

To the Abusive Spouse

You can stop. Christ’s resurrection power is available.

Get help. Go to the Lord. Go to the Word. Go to your pastor. Get an accountability partner and an accountability group.

Humble yourself before God. Face reality. Deal with your inner heart issues. Change your behavior. Renew your heart and renew your home.

To Pastors, Counselors, and Spiritual Friends

Always remember 1 Thessalonians and the two “ingredients” in Paul’s “love sandwich”:

“I loved you so much that I was delighted to give you not only the Scriptures but my very own soul, because you were dear to me” (1 Thess. 2:8).

Paul starts and ends his words with love. In between these two “slices” of life, he inserts the two fundamental “ingredients” of Scripture and soul.

Truly biblical counseling begins and ends with love. It is speaking the truth in love. It is love abounding in depth of insight.

Truly biblical counseling is not impersonal; it is not preaching at, it is intimately engaging others with Christ’s pure love.

And truly biblical counseling involves both truth and love, both Scripture and soul. Engage the abusive marital situation from the context of the Word of God, not where you preach at, but where you converse, dialogue, and trialogue (you the counselor, the counselee, and the Divine Counselor).

Don’t victimize the victim. Love the spouse being abused. Equip him or her to live with bold love.

Don’t minimize the abuse, care-front the abusive spouse in love. Empower the abusive spouse to change by tapping into Christ’s resurrection power.

Be for the marriage and be for God’s glory.

To the Body of Christ

Let’s stop the silence.

Scores of people responded to me privately saying, “It’s about time someone talked about this in Christian circles.”

Preach and teach and do small group lessons on “texts of terror” in the Old Testament—which is not silent about abuse, especially males abusing women.

Preach and teach and do small group lessons on marriage.

Preach and teach and do small group lessons on God’s compassion for those who are victimized.

May we speak the truth in love so that the whole body grows together in truth and love. So that the onlooking world marvels at the way the church honestly handles this vital issue. So that the world witnesses in real life Christ’s resurrection power.

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

Extreme Responses

So far we’ve explored how the church and individuals within the church can demonstrate Christ’s care during the crisis of marital abuse.

However, some are somewhat quick to say, “All this talk about helping and counseling and reconciliation is foolish. Just tell them to get a divorce!”

Sadly, on the other hand, some in the church have been known to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to marital abuse. They quickly victimize the victim by denying any abuse is occurring, without investigating the situation, or they are aware of the abuse and tell the abused spouse, often the wife, “Just submit!”

So what is the truth? Does the Bible offer grounds for divorce based upon abuse?

The Bible and Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage

Hundreds of books have been written on the topic of the Bible and divorce. Theological students have written dissertations of hundreds of pages on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Churches have split over interpretations surrounding divorce.

If you want to explore the issue further, consider Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views: http://tinyurl.com/lgzj4w.

Also consider Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible by Jay Adams: http://tinyurl.com/ncn8hr.

My “brief” blog post will not solve the issue. Plus, this blog series is not about divorce in general, but about abuse in marriage and whether that may be grounds for divorce.

Abuse and Separation

Some people have said, based upon 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul says couples should only be apart for a short time for prayer and fasting, that separation for abuse is never biblical. Personally, I hardly think that Paul planned for his words, given in the context of prayer and fasting, to be applied when a spouse is being abused. As I said in the first post in this series, in the case of physical abuse, safety is the first priority—and often that requires separation while church and civil authorities address the abusive spouse.

Abuse and Divorce: What Others Are Saying

For Evangelical Christians, we can’t answer issues based upon our feelings or opinions. We must attempt to understand how to relate God’s timeless truth to our changing times.

Some Evangelicals do not see any grounds for divorce in the Bible.

Other Evangelicals would say that biblical grounds for divorce are limited to adultery (Matthew 19) and abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7).

Most Evangelicals, regarding divorce in general, would say that even if divorce were permitted for those two grounds, that confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation and always the preferred response.

David L. Snuth, in “Divorce and Remarriage from the Early Church to John Wesley” (Trinity Journal 11.2, Fall 1990: 131-142) shares an historical perspective. Somewhat surprisingly, according to his research, the Reformers like Luther and Calvin saw abuse as one possible ground for divorce.

Apparently, like some commentators, pastors, and counselors today, some in Church history interpreted 1 Corinthians 7 and abandonment by an unbeliever to include various behaviors indicative of abandoning marital vows and roles. So, since husbands, for instance, are called to love and cherish their wives, a habitually unrepentant husband who is emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, sexually, and/or physically abusing his wife, could be deemed to be living like an unbeliever who has abandoned his marital vows and his duties to his wife. Therefore, some have said in Church history and some say today, abuse could be grounds for divorce, especially habitually, unrepentant abuse.

Of course, some in history and some today would respond, “Well, that opens the door for divorce for just about anything that anyone wants to claim is ‘abuse.’” Others would say, “That simply is not an accurate interpretation or application of 1 Corinthians 7.”

What Do You Think?

What is your conviction? Biblically, what should happen to the marriage when abuse occurs?