Reflections After 30 Years of Biblical Counseling

Note: This post was originally posted at the Biblical Counseling Coalition under Lessons Learned as a Biblical Counselor.

I Am Learning That Biblical Counseling Is About Scripture and Soul

If there is one verse that captures the heartbeat of my biblical counseling ministry after three decades it is 1 Thessalonians 2:8. “We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.”

Right out Bible college and in seminary, I was 90% Scripture and 10% soul. I was predominantly focused on truth and not enough on love (speaking the truth in love—Ephesians 4:15).

I don’t think the answer is a “50% + 50% balance” of truth and love.

I’m learning that the biblical model is 100% truth and 100% love. Paul says it powerfully in Philippians 1:9. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight.”

As a biblical counselor, I want to make Paul’s prayer my prayer. I want my love for my spiritual friends to abound more and more as my biblical knowledge and depth of insight abounds more and more. I want to enter people’s lives deeply with Christ’s love and wisdom and engage people deeply with Christ’s grace and truth.

I Am Learning That Biblical Counseling Is About Suffering and Sin

A quote I display in my office captures well the next lesson I’m learning:

“Pastoral care is defective unless it can deal thoroughly with the evils we have suffered as well as with the sins we have committed.”

Again, right out of Bible college and in seminary, I was focused on “noutheteo” but limited in my focus on “parakaleo.” That is, I was predominantly about confronting heart sins, but not equally attuned to comforting people in their suffering.

Paul tells us eight times in 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 that God calls and equips us to comfort one another (parakleo). Similarly, he tells us in Romans 15:14 that God equips us to care-front one another (noutheteo). It is both/and, not either/or.

I needed to learn the lesson of John 9:1-3 that much suffering is not due to our own personal sin, but rather due to living in a fallen, sinful world. I needed to learn it so much that I ended up writing a book on it: God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

I Am Learning That Biblical Counseling Is About the Intersection of God’s Story and Our Story

Coming out of Bible college and seminary, I knew more about the pulpit ministry of the Word than the personal ministry of the Word. I was better prepared to preach God’s Word than I was to engage my brothers and sisters in Christ one-to-one.

Decades ago I used to rush in with God’s Word and expect people to listen to me before I had listened deeply to them. I’m learning that in biblical counseling I need “pivot feet”: one foot always standing in and entering into my friend’s earthly story, and one foot always standing in and traveling with my friend to God’s eternal story.

I’m coming to understand that biblical counseling is not preaching at an audience of one. Biblical counseling is not a monologue; it’s not even a dialogue; it’s a trialogues: the counselor and the counselee listening together to the Divine Counselor through the Word of God and the Spirit of God.

I Am Learning That Biblical Counseling Is About You and Me 

I wasn’t quite sure how to word this header as a both/and. Here’s what I mean. Counseling is not one-size-fits-all. We need to care for, know, and relate to each unique counselee in a unique way.

My first pastoral counseling ministry was in an urban mega-church of over 3,000 people. We had a long history of “excellence” and “professionalism” in ministry. Before a counseling session, people completed a four-page Personal Information Form. Nothing wrong with that…in that setting.

My second pastoral ministry was in a small rural church. My first week of ministry a “Sr. Saint” came to see me. I whipped out my Personal Information Form. This dear saint took one look at it, looked at me with knowing, wise, aged eyes and said, “Pastor Kellemen, I’m not sure how they did things where you came from, but we don’t do things like that around here.”

I’m so glad for this seasoned saint.

I learned then and I’m continually learning that I don’t plop a “model” of counseling on people. I don’t pull “skills” or “methods” out of my counselor’s “toolbox.” Rather, I engage people relationally, soul-to-soul, as together we explore how God’s Word relates to their daily lives.

God fearfully and wonderfully hand-crafted and designed each of us—body, soul, cultural background, family background, life experiences, etc., etc., etc. I want my counseling to be one-another relating—my unique self with another unique image bearer.

I Am Learning That Biblical Counseling Is About Christ and the Body of Christ 

To say that counseling is about you and me is not to say that we stop at the two of us. Frankly, I don’t want to point people to myself.

I want to point people to Christ. He is always there for them (Hebrews 4:14-16). He is perfectly there for them (Hebrews 2:14-16).

I also have learned over the past thirty years that biblical counseling is about the Body of Christ. A parishioner or counselee can’t become dependent upon me. I want them mutually dependent with God’s people on Christ. That’s why I always require counselees to attend at least morning worship and an Adult Bible Fellowship (Sunday School) and/or a small group.

I’m learning that for biblical counseling to have lasting impact beyond the brief time we spend together each week, those receiving counsel must be engaged in spiritual fellowship with the Body of Christ and practicing spiritual disciplines as they connect to Christ.

Join the Conversation 

What lessons have you learned about biblical counseling and one-another ministry during your years of ministry?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Pastoral Care, Pastoral Counseling

re-Focus: 2011 Moody Bible Pastors’ Conference 

Tuesday through Thursday, May 24-26, I will be speaking five times at the Moody Bible Pastors’ Conference. This year’s theme is re-Focus. 

I’d appreciate your prayers as I attempt to help pastors to re-Focus on: 

• Ministering to Grieving People: God’s Healing for Life’s Losses

• Equipping Their Church for One-Another Ministry: Leaving a Legacy of Loving Leaders

• Marriage Counseling: Building Oneness in a Christ-Centered Marriage

• Cultivating Christ-like Intercultural Ministries: A Theological Primer or “Why Bother?”

• Counseling Parishioners Struggling with Anxiety: The Anatomy of Anxiety

Later this week, check out the Free Resources section of the RPM website for free downloads of each of the five PowerPoint lessons. Look under Moody Bible Pastors’ Conference Documents (2011).

Join the Conversation

Which of the five topics would you want to re-Focus on?

Tags: Anxiety, Equipping, Marriage, Moody Bible Pastors' Conference, re-Focus, Speaking

Not Your Father’s Pastoral Counseling Class 

This week I’ll be teaching a Master of Divinity class on Pastoral Counseling at Moody Theological Seminary in Chicago. When I was young, a commercial tag-line said, “Not your father’s Oldsmobile.” The car-maker was communicating that something new, something fresh was on the horizon.

I could say the same about the Pastoral Counseling class I’m teaching: “Not your father’s pastoral counseling class.” For too long, seminaries have taught pastoral counseling classes by trying to cram every conceivable pastoral counseling issue into the class and trying to cover each topic with a one-hour content dump.

I took a course like that. It was a total waste of time and money. An eclectic approach like that fails miserably at helping future pastors to think through what it truly means to offer biblical pastoral care and counseling.

So what we will do instead?

A Better Way: God’s Answers to Life’s Seven Ultimate Questions

I want to help my students to explore a biblical theology of biblical counseling in the local church (pastors and members). I want to assist these church leaders to develop a Christ-centered, church-based, comprehensive, compassionate, and culturally-informed model of discipleship counseling that embraces life issues in a biblical and relational way.

In seeking to discern what makes biblical pastoral ministry biblical, we’ll explore seven foundational biblical categories covered in the book Soul Physicians. I describe these categories as God’s Answers to Life’s Seven Ultimate Questions:

• God’s Word: “What is truth?” ”Where do I find answers?”

• The Trinity: “Who is God?” “How can I know Him personally?”

• Creation: “Who am I?” “What makes people tick?”

• Fall: “What went wrong?” “Why do we do the things we do?”

• Redemption: “Can I change?” “How do people change?”

• Glorification/Consummation: “Where am I headed?” “How does our future destiny impact our present reality?”

• Sanctification: “How does God change lives?” “How can I help others to grow in grace?”

Teaching People to Fish versus Giving People a Fish

The old way of teaching pastoral counseling offered people a fish; it didn’t teach them to fish. The new way teaches students how to think biblically about every pastoral counseling issue. They can then use their biblical grid, their biblical way of thinking about life issues, to develop effective biblical counseling approaches to whatever issues people bring to them.

In our five days together, we’ll use a host of creative, interactive means to stretch one another to see how the Bible is our robust, relevant, relational, authoritative, and sufficient guide for life and ministry. Some examples include:

• Relating God’s truth to our lives.

• In-depth, interactive exploration of specific biblical passages.

• Personal application projects.

• Ministry application projects.

• PDQs: Prompting Discussion Questions.

• Real life counseling vignettes.

• Role-play counseling scenarios.

• Movie clips to illustrate pertinent points.

• Music clips to illustrate pertinent points.

• Q/A time.

• Evaluations of current models/approaches to pastoral counseling.

• And much, much more.

I can’t wait. I love helping to equip pastors for the work of the ministry.

In fact, the end goal of the class is not simply that these students become better pastoral counselors. But rather, that these students help their churches become churches of biblical counseling—churches saturated with a vision for every member speaking the truth in love. In other words, I want my students to equip others also.

Join the Conversation

How do you best learn how to minister to others?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Moody Theological Seminary, Pastoral Counseling, Soul Physicians

Stories of Spiritual Friendship

A church member knocks on her pastor’s door early Monday morning. She’s in tears over her teenage son’s suicide attempt. Her pastor greets her with a loving, gentle welcome, ushers her into his office, and opens in prayer. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

A young man firmly grips the hand of his new friend, a graduate-counseling student serving as his mentor. By this point in their relationship they’re oblivious to the required videotaping, as they enter the “Counseling Center.” Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

A client arrives for his scheduled appointment with his professional Christian counselor. He’s hopeful that he’ll finally find help to break the hold that rage has on his heart and relationships. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

A young woman hugs her female lay encourager as they enter the “Encouragement Center” for their seventh meeting. They both experience a close connection and a calm confidence that Christ will continue his good work in and through them. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

Two friends sitting in the corner of an almost empty local diner sip coffee as they talk. For two years this has been their “sacred place” where they meet to bear one another’s burdens. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

The settings are almost limitless and the individuals so very diverse. Yet, the art is the same—the art of spiritual friendship. But what exactly is a spiritual friend? What does a spiritual friend “look like”? How do spiritual friends relate?

David’s Story of Spiritual Struggle

God calls shepherd-boy David to shepherd all Israel. Called, David serves. Serving, David suffers. When the chorus line of the day sings out, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands” (1 Samuel 18:7), Saul becomes enraged. The refrain galls him. From that time on, Saul keeps a jealous eye on David. An evil eye.

The more success David enjoys, the more fear Saul endures. When Saul realizes that the Lord is with David and that his daughter, Michal, loves David, Saul becomes still more afraid. He remains David’s enemy the rest of his days.

Plotting to kill David, Saul even enlists his son, Jonathan. Jonathan, very fond of David, spills the beans, not only warning David of impending danger, but also spying on his own father on David’s behalf.

Exasperated, Saul expels a torrent of rage toward the harp-playing David, attempting to pin him to the wall, through the heart, with his spear. David eludes him and makes good his escape.

The plot thickens. Saul assembles his death squad to hunt down and execute David. David hides out in the cave of Adullam, surrounded by a rag-tag bunch described by the biblical author as, “all those who were in distress or in debt or discontented” (1 Samuel 22:2). Sounds like an ancient version of The Bad News Bears.

Day after day, Saul pursues David, forcing him to move his band of brothers from place to place. Camping in the wilderness like vagabonds, David learns that once again Saul has come to take his life (1 Samuel 23:15).

What did David need at this point? What would spiritual friendship have looked like?

David’s Story of Spiritual Friendship

In David’s desperate setting, we learn the source of his strength. “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength (hazaq) in God” (1 Samuel 23:16).

Finding strength (hazaq) pictures binding together, girding, and uniting. The Old Testament uses it for strengthening, encouraging, instilling courage in another, and aiding. The core idea emphasizes strengthening another person’s grip by joining hands in support.

We’re made firmer and stronger when we bind ourselves together with one another. When we’re losing our grip, we need to be gripped by others. In spiritual struggle, we need spiritual friendship.

As illustrative as this is, we’ve pondered only a portion of David’s story of spiritual struggle and spiritual friendship. As David’s spiritual journey continues, Saul pursues. David evades. Saul is vulnerable. David spares Saul’s life, not once, but twice.

David battles victoriously for Yahweh. Returning from Yahweh-battle, David and his men experience Yahweh-mystery. The evil Amalekites have raided their camp at Ziklag where the wives and children of David and his men resided. Returning to Ziklag, “they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive” (1 Samuel 30:3). Grieving greatly, “David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep” (1 Samuel 30:4).

We would say that they’re “wiped.” Exhausted. Shattered. Overwhelmed.

David is no exception. “David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters” (1 Samuel 30:6a). If my wife and children had been taken hostage while I was away ministering for God, I would be distressed, too. If all those who worked for me were so bitter that they wanted to kill me, I would be distressed, too.

David’s narrative begs for the intervening voice of Paul Harvey saying, “And now, the rest of the story.” Here it is. “But David found strength (hazaq) in the LORD his God” (1 Samuel 30:6b).

Strength is the identical Hebrew word we examined in 1 Samuel 23:16—hazaq. David’s previous connection with Jonathan empowers him to experience communion with Yahweh. Having a spiritual friend in his life to strengthen him, equips and empowers David to connect with the Spiritual Friend.

Where did David’s help come from? Who do we need when we are suffering or sinning? What do we need along our spiritual journey when we face spiritual struggles? We need spiritual friends—Christians, and we need the Spiritual Friend—Christ.

Spiritual friends—the Christian community—point us to our ultimate Spiritual Friend—Christ. God has designed us to find communion and closeness with him—our true source of all help—through community and connection with one another. Spiritual friendship is our greatest hope for connecting to God’s help.

Join the Conversation

How does your human spiritual friend point you to your ultimate Spiritual Friend—Christ?

Note: Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Tags: Biblical Counseling, David, Jonathan, Pastoral Counseling, Spiritual Friends

Several years ago, “Tim” (not his real name) shared his story with me. His uncle had repeatedly sexually abused him while he was in elementary school. Tim never told anyone about the damage in his soul until he finally found the courage to tell a pastoral counselor. Hear Jim’s words.

“Bob, it was incredibly hard. I felt so ashamed, but I got the words out—sobbing as I shared. The second I finished, my counselor whipped out his Bible, turned to Genesis 3, and preached a thirty-minute message on sin. Bob, it wasn’t even a good sermon! But worse than that, I knew that I was a sinner. I’m clueless as to how my pastoral counselor intended to relate that passage to my situation. At that second, did I need a sermon on my personal sin?”

Tim did not return for his second session with his pastoral counselor. Instead, he arranged an appointment with a professional Christian counselor. Here is Tim’s rendition of his second counseling experience.

“Bob, at first things went well. My counselor seemed to be able to relate to me, seemed to have compassion for what I went through. But after two months of counseling I was ready to have him help me move beyond sympathy and empathy. I knew that I wasn’t loving my wife and kids like Christ wanted me to. But my counselor kept telling me that I was too hard on myself and that I was too damaged to love the way I wanted to love.”

The tale of two counselors. One hears a sordid story of sexual abuse and immediately responds to his sobbing counselee with a sermon on sin. The second hears his counselee’s longing to move beyond damage to dignity, from victim to victory, and informs him that he’s too disabled to function fully. These two diverse approaches illustrate the ongoing divide concerning what makes biblical counseling biblical. Just what is biblical one another ministry?

Tim’s story forces us to ask ourselves some hard questions. Practical questions such as:

*In your own life, do you tend to be more on the “truth/Scripture side” or more on the “love/soul side”? Why?

*Has anyone ever interacted with you like either of Tim’s counselors? What did it feel like? What were the results?

*What view of the Bible and of “people helping” might have motivated Tim’s counselors?

*What content does a person need to know to be a biblical counselor, pastoral counselor, lay counselor, spiritual friend, soul physician, mentor, discipler, or people helper?

The Rest of the Story

Return tomorrow when we explore how to make one another ministry truly biblical.

Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?

*In Part 1 (http://tinyurl.com/mcr26y), we highlighted “safety first.”

*In Part 2 (http://tinyurl.com/qhrvhw), we overviewed introductory principles of biblical marital counseling.

*In Part 3 (http://tinyurl.com/mgdz6b), we discussed basic principles of biblical counseling with an abusive spouse.

*Now in Part 4, we equip you with an overview approach to counseling someone being victimized (sinned against) by spousal abuse.

What’s In a Name?

Notice that I try to avoid the label “victim.” The spouse who is being abused has certainly been sinfully and horribly victimized. However, “victim” is not their identity. Their primary identity in Christ is “saint,” “son/daughter/child of God, and “victor in Christ.” We seek to empower a victimized spouse to move to victory in Christ.

A Comprehensive Approach

As with ministry to the abusive spouse, so ministry to the spouse being victimized by abuse requires a comprehensive approach. This could include:

1. Where necessary, involve the civil authorities. See Post 1 on this issue.

2. Where necessary, involve godly women and godly couples in housing the abused spouse for the sake of safety.

3. Assign spiritual friends, mentors, and encouragement partners to minister to the abused spouse.

4. Be sure that the abused spouse is involved in a healthy small group.

5. Be sure that the abused spouse is active in Sunday morning worship and adult Sunday School.

6. Be sure that the abused spouse is practicing the spiritual disciplines.

7. To the extent that the abused spouse has a strong and healthy extended family, involve them in ministry to the victimized spouse.

Individual Counseling

Individual counseling for the abused spouse should include:

*Sustaining
*Healing
*Reconciling
*Guiding

Sustaining: “It’s Normal to Hurt”

God calls us to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). We are to comfort the suffering with the same comfort we have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:3-11).

The person being victimized by spousal abuse can experience a torrent of emotions: shame, confusion, loss, anger, fear, anxiety, depression. Created to be loved and respected in marriage, the person instead experiences hateful behavior and disrespect. We must climb in the casket of their despair (2 Corinthians 1:8-9) and be Jesus with skin on. We need to safe and trustworthy, caring and comforting.

Healing: “It’s Possible to Hope”

We never victimize victims by implying in any way that they caused their abuse. The abusive spouse is always responsible for his or her actions.

However, we do help the victimized spouse to respond biblically. We “trialogue” together (the counselee, the counselor, and the Divine Counselor) by exploring pertinent biblical principles that apply to abusive situations.

We help the person to understand that God is good even when life is bad. We help the person to find hope in the midst of despair. We explore together biblical grief and healing. We help the person to see life with spiritual eyes.

Reconciling: “It’s Horrible to Sin, But Wonderful to Be Forgiven”

Please read the following very carefully. Please remember that we do not victimize the victim. Please remember that there is no excuse for abusing a spouse.

That said, there are two areas in the life of the spouse being abused that we may want to explore.

1. Sinful Responses to Sinful Abuse: Let’s be honest, few of us respond in a 100% pure manner to being sinned against. If a driver cuts us off, our attitude may be sinful. If our boss is snippy with us, our inner response may be sinful.

So certainly someone enduring the horrors of spousal abuse may be responding in less-than-godly ways. We would be less-than-caring counselors, pastors, and spiritual friends if we ignored the possibility.

Be careful here. You may well be accused by the victimized spouse of re-victimization. Gently respond by speaking the truth in love. Interact about why you need to explore these areas. Then continue to explore potential areas of sinful reactions. While exposing sin and guilt, always enlighten your counselee to God’s grace. Where sin abounds, grace super-abounds (Romans 5:20).

2. Sinful Relating before the Abuse: Again, let’s be honest, no married person relates perfectly to his or her spouse. So we must examine potential ways of relating that need to change if the marriage is to glorify God.

Also, while never causing and never excusing abuse, some behaviors can be contributing factors.

Perhaps a husband has been repeatedly emotionally abused by his wife. She has been consistently disrespectful, thus breaking the commands in Ephesians 5. Has the husband contributed to the situation by breaking the commands in Ephesians 5 to nourish, cherish, shepherd, and love his wife like Christ loves the church?

Perhaps a wife has been emotionally abused by a controlling, dominating, dictatorial husband. Has the wife contributed to the situation by being demeaning, disrespectful, and perfectionistic?

Guiding: “It’s Supernatural to Mature”

The victimized spouse needs:

1. Enlightenment: To see who he or she is in Christ and to understand biblical principles of godly living in the home. With abuse, this includes bold love—the wisdom to know when and how to confront the abusive spouse, to hold the spouse accountable, and to refuse to allow the abuse to continue.

2. Empowering: Knowing “how to” and being “able to” are two sides of one coin. The victimized spouse needs RPMs: Resurrection Power Multipliers (Philippians 3:10). He or she needs to learn how to tap into Christ’s power and how to apply God’s truth to daily life and marital relationships.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Assuming that the victimized spouse wants reconciliation, and assuming that the victimizing spouse is truly repentant, is receiving counsel, and is changing, then 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 is vital.

Here Paul tells us that it is Satan’s scheme to outwit us by overwhelming us with guilt. We team with Satan when we fail to forgive one another!

Paul tells us that when someone responds to biblical counsel and discipline that we ought to forgive and comfort the person, so that he or she will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Paul urges us to reaffirm our love for the repentant person.

Often this is the most difficult and the longest part of biblical counseling with the spouse who has been victimized by abuse. The abused spouse is right to have righteous anger. He or she is right to express bold love that requires repentance and change. It is normal for the abused spouse to hurt.

However, nothing excuses an unforgiving spirit. Marriages rocked by abuse will never heal if the victimized spouse continually condemns victimizing spouse and continually reminds the victimizing spouse of past sins.

Where Do We Go From Here?

In our next post, we will explore how to provide marital counseling for an abusive situation. Then we will examine the hotly debated issue of divorce and spousal abuse.