“I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me.”

I was recently the recipient of a humble, heart-felt apology where the person sincerely asked for forgiveness. How rare that is!

It made me think of various ways people “apologize” and how we might respond.

The “No Apology, Ever!” Person

Some people are like Fonzie from the old Happy Days TV series. Remember? He could never even mouth the words “I was wwww-r-o-n-g.”

Some folks are like that—they’re never in the wrong. You and others always are.

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who is never willing to seek reconciliation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “If You Were Offended” Person

Then there’s the person who is a master at the apology that is not an apology at all. In fact, their apology really blames others.

“I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said.” Or, “I’m sorry if you were hurt by what you thought I did.”

The tenor, the tone, the words—they all communicate, “What I did wasn’t wrong. You’re just waaaay too sensitive.”

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone whose apology is really an accusation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “You Were Wrong and I Forgive You” Person

Somewhat the opposite of the previous “styles” is the person who brings up forgiveness only as a way of expressing alllll the ways you sinned against her or him. They use the words, “I forgive you.” However, the bulk of their words are about your wrong.

“I forgive you for the way you’ve always been so condescending and judgmental. I forgive you for the way you hurt me and offended me with your cruel and discouraging words. I forgive you for all the ways your self-centered, arrogant actions have hurt me and countless others…”

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who seems less interested in reconciliation and more interested in humiliation? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “I’m Sorry; I Apologize” Person

This “style” sure seems right about being wrong. The person says, “I’m sorry. I apologize.”

This is a great start. However, by itself it may not lead to true reconciliation. In this “style,” there are no specifics. There is no admission of wrong, guilt, or sin. And, there is no request for forgiveness—which is so central to moving toward reconciliation.

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who apologizes but does not admit wrong or ask forgiveness? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “I’m Sorry; I Was Wrong; Here Are My Excuses” Person

No one apologizes using these exact words. However, the sense is more of excusing behavior than accepting responsibility.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Everybody was jumping on me all day long. My parents were dysfunctional when I was growing up. I was having a bad day. The boss was a jerk. No one ever taught me how to relate or handle my emotions. I have this medical condition. Your words and actions were just too much for me or any normal person to handle. And…”

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who blames others (including you) for their wrong? Are you and I ever guilty of this way of responding to our own sin?

The “I’m Sorry. I Was Wrong. Please Forgive Me” Person

This “style” is how I was recently approached. It’s the person who says, “I’m sorry. I was wrong for __________.” They fill in the blank with the specific way(s) they sinned against you. No excuses.

They continue. “I sinned. Would you please forgive me? How can I make this right? How can we reconcile and get our relationship right?” They move from admission to the offer of a conversation about reconciliation.

What is a biblical response in cases like this? What biblical principles of reconciliation do you follow with someone who is seeking biblical reconciliation? Are you and I ever this mature in responding to our own sin?

Join the Conversation

Which “style” of reconciling do you seem to most often receive? How do/should you respond?

Which “style” of reconciling do you seem to most often offer?

Tags: Conflict, Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Relationships

How to Resolve Conflict Biblically

What do we do when conflict arises in our life, relationships, or ministries? Ken Sande in his excellent book The Peacemaker outlines a “4G” process of biblical reconciliation.

• Glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31): “How can I please and honor God in this situation?”

• Get the Log Out of Your Eye (Matthew 7:5): “How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict?”

• Gently Restore (Galatians 6:1): “How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?”

• Go and Be Reconciled (Matthew 5:24): “How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?” 

Glorify God: Pleasing God as My First Priority

The Apostle Paul faced conflict with the Corinthians over several issues, especially their questioning of his integrity and authority. No small matter, Paul repeatedly clarified what motivated his ministry—God’s glory. “For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake” (2 Corinthians 4:5). “We make it our goal to please him” (2 Corinthians 5:9).

Paul teaches us that we must always place our human conflict within the much larger context of God’s eternal glory. If conflict arises in your life, relationships, or ministry, strive to help all parties, including yourself, to ask, “How can I please and honor God in this situation?” It’s not about “winning” the conflict. It’s not even about “win/win” scenarios. It’s about joining together to advance God’s Kingdom. Sometimes that may we require that I “lose” in the eyes of the world.

Get the Log Out: Examining My Heart as My First Responsibility

While Paul does not identify any particular sins, it is clear that he was continually opening his heart to God’s all-knowing eyes. “I call God as my witness that it was in order to spare you that I did not return to Corinth” (2 Corinthians 1:23). Paul lived every nano-second aware that, “We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

Paul models for us that when conflict occurs my first responsibility is to examine my heart based upon God’s Word. If conflict arises in your life, relationships, or ministry, strive to help all parties, including yourself, to ask, “How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict?”

Gently Restore: Loving Others as My First Ministry

Paul mastered the art of gentle restoration. “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us” (2 Corinthians 7:8-9). You can almost feel the conflict within Paul as he reflects on his past loving confrontation of the Corinthians. I don’t regret it. I did regret it. My letter hurt you. My letter did not harm you.

Paul demonstrates that when conflict occurs, my first ministry is to love others with Christ-like love. If conflict arises in your life, relationships, or ministry, strive to help all parties, including yourself, to ask, “How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?”

Go and Be Reconciled: Restoring Relationship as My First Necessity

If Paul is the master of gentle restoration, then he is the gold standard of going and being reconciled. Is there a more tender yet compelling example than his words in 2 Corinthians 6:11-13? “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.”

As if that were not enough, he pleads again, “Make room for us in your hearts. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have exploited no one. I do not say this to condemn you; I have said before that you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you” (2 Corinthians 7:2-3).

Paul not only wanted to demonstrate forgiveness, he also longed to encourage godly restoration. When the Corinthians were unrelenting in their punishment of a sinning brother, Paul taught them what to do instead. “Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:7-8).

Paul demonstrates that when conflict occurs, my first necessity is restoring the relationship. If conflict arises in your life, relationships, or ministry, strive to help all parties, including yourself, to ask, “How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?”

Join the Conversation

Which of the 4Gs seems most pertinent to your situation? How could you apply it?

Tags: Conflict Resolution, Ken Sande, Reconciliation, The Peacemaker

Wanted

Note: You can find the following spiritual parable, which is reproduced here with permission, in Soul Physicians.

Enjoying Who I Am, Becoming Who I Am

The Christian life is the process of enjoying who I am to Christ and becoming who I am in Christ. Sanctification involves living out my Sonship and my Sainthood.

The key to our victory is faith in our new identity. I’m convinced that everything in the Christian life revolves around how we answer the questions: “Who am I to Christ?” “Who am I in Christ?”

In today’s parable, we’re focusing on the first question: Who am I to Christ? What is God’s heart toward me? What does he think of me? Does he love me? Like me? Want me? Enjoy me? Do I fit in? Have I made the grade, the cut? How can I enjoy who I am to Christ? How can I exalt God for his gracious love?

Perhaps you’re not moved by this left-brain, analytical defense of our new nurture. Perhaps some right-brain, imaginative descriptions might help.

Misfit Island

Once upon a time, a gaggle of toys banded together to form a home they called “Misfit Island.” As their choice of a homeland name suggests, they felt unwanted.

There was the doll with the crinkled, matted, dirty blonde hair. “Ragamuffin” she named herself. Just a waif. Orphan Annie. Abandoned urchin. Homeless child.

And the plastic soldier with a missing arm missing his weapon. “Legion,” he called himself. Leprous, he saw himself. A pariah, he felt. Untouchable.

Then there was the stuffed doggie, the one with the scraggily hair and missing stuffings. “Stray,” was her chosen name. Foundling. Not even wanted by Cruella DeVille.

Their reluctant leader? A silly reindeer with a grotesque shining nose. “Dropout” the name he owned. Outcast he was from others. Castaway he lived. He came late to their island and seemingly by accident.

They all felt about as valuable as bumbling Gilligan. As desired as Dennis the Menace. As snotty-nosed as the Little Rascals. So they lived together as loners. In exile. Gypsies, tramps, and thieves. Hobos and derelicts. Vagabonds.

Then one day, and what a surprising day it was, they were visited. Visited by Man of Sorrows. Acquainted with their grief, he had no beauty or majesty to attract them. Nothing in his appearance that they should desire him. He, too, was despised and rejected. Like one from whom people hide their faces. Despised and esteemed not.

It was Dropout, the shining-nosed reindeer who first noticed. Perhaps his bulbous snoot enlightened him to see what others missed. He saw Man of Sorrows’ wounds. He was pierced. Like a lamb led to the slaughter, and as a sheep before his shearers.

Man of Sorrows had their undivided attention. “Toy Maker sent me.”

They gasped. Few even remembered Toy Maker. Those who did were sure that he had forgotten them. Worse yet, abandoned them. Disliked them.

“I am stricken by Toy Maker. Smitten by him. Afflicted. For you.”

“What!” they responded incredulously. “How is this possible? For us? Who does anything for us?”

“The One who is for you,” answered Man of Sorrows. He crushed me for your iniquities. The punishment that brought you peace—shalom—he placed upon me.”

“Peace? Shalom?” They wondered. “Shalom—acceptance, access, approach to Toy Maker, clear conscience, wantability, desirability—these belong not to us.”

“Silence!”

For the first time Man of Sorrows showed his teeth. “Would you denigrate so great salvation? Depreciate the price I paid? By my wounds you are healed. I was cut off that you might be grafted in. Castaway that you might be rescued. Made in the fashion of misfits that I might reconcile misfits to Toy Maker.”

“Sing!” he urged them. Burst into song, shout for joy! Do not hold back. Do not be afraid. You will never suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated. For your Maker is your Husband. The Lord Almighty is his name. The Holy One is your Redeemer. For a brief moment you were abandoned, but with deep compassion Toy Maker calls you home. He has sworn never to be angry with you again, never to rebuke you again. He has promised, ‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace ever be removed. I want you.’”

Join the Conversation

What difference could your new relationship to God in Christ make in how you live and in how you love God and others?

Tags: Loved by God, Reconciliation, Sanctification, Soul Physicians

Christ-Esteem: The world talks about “self-esteem.” But God’s Word teaches us about “Christ-esteem”—how God views us, sees us, accepts us, and loves us through Christ. Knowing how God relates to us because of our relationship to Christ is vital to glorifying God, defeating the lies of Satan, and ministering powerfully.

As you read the following summaries:

*Meditate on the verses and on the truth they share about you.

*Reject the lies of Satan about how God views you.

*Thank God for who you are to Christ.

*Select one verse/truth per day and specifically apply it to your life and relationships.

My Relationship to God through Christ

Matthew 6:26—I am are very valuable to Christ.

Matthew 9:2; Mark 2:5—I am God’s forgiven son/daughter.

Matthew 9:36-38—I am the Good Shepherd’s shepherded sheep.

Matthew 10:31; Luke 12:7—I am of great worth to God.

Matthew 12:12—I am of much value to Christ.

Matthew 18:10-14—I am God’s precious, protected little one.

Mark 3:34-35—I am Christ’s brother or sister.

Luke 6:35—I am a son or daughter of the Most High God.

Luke 12:4—I am Christ’s friend.

Luke 20:36; John 1:12; Romans 8:14-17; 1 John 3:2—I am a child of God.

John 1:13—I am a child born of God.

John 3:6—I am born of the Spirit.

John 3:16—I am so loved by Father that He gave His only begotten Son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever.

John 8:35—I am God’s forever son/daughter.

John 10:28-30—I am eternally secure in God’s holy love.

John 13:33—God says of me, “You are my child.”

John 15:5—I am a branch abiding in Christ the Vine.

John 15:9—Jesus says of me, “As My Father has loved Me, so I have loved you.”

John 15:14—Jesus says to me, “You are my friend.”

John 15:15—Jesus says to me, “I no longer call you servant, but friend.”

John 16:27—Jesus whispers to me, “The Father Himself loves you.”

John 17:23—Jesus says of me, “The Father loves you as He loves me.”

Note: Excerpted from Soul Physicians: http://bit.ly/7vaE