How to Build Grace Connections

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Three of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Read Part Two: Grace Connections. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Left Hanging

I left you hanging yesterday by telling you what not to do, but not sharing what to do. Glad you were patient. Here’s the how to.

How to Build Grace Connections: Galatians 6:1-3

Connecting is a commitment to love another person. It is compassionate discernment in action. It is not a technique to be mastered, but a way of life to be nurtured by personal communion with Christ. Communion with Christ leads to connection with others.

Galatians 6:1-3, in the context of Paul’s discussion of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, exposes how to build grace relationships.

1. Loving Motivation: “You who are spiritual.”

The fruit of the Spirit characterizes effective spiritual friends. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter who comes alongside to help in time of need. In the Spirit’s power, you are to be a friend acting in the best interest of your friend. You’re a friend acting on behalf of another, interceding for, defending, and advocating. You’re an encourager standing up for, standing behind, standing with, and standing back-to-back and alongside your spiritual friend. The “spiritual” person is like a coach who has been in the game, lost, struck out, but has some game experience that sure does help.

2. Intimate Friendship/Knowledge: “Brothers.”

Spiritual friendship requires intimate family relationship. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Picture best friends hiking a mountain. One has been there before, so she’s the guide who has found a few good routes and gladly shares them with her best friend.

Evaluation forms from folks who have been “counseled” by lay encouragers express this sense of intimate friendship. “Even though we had never met before, our times were like two friends walking together.” “I could feel your concern; we were on the same level.” “You accepted me. You didn’t scold me like a Mom, but were honest like a friend.”

3. Communicating Equality: “But watch yourself or you also may be tempted.” “Restore gently.”

Gentleness looks like a tamed stallion, strength under control, firm compassion, mature self-control, and power and love mingled through wisdom. Christ labels himself “gentle” in Matthew 11:29, saying that unlike the Pharisees who were sin-spotters and burden-givers, he was Rest-Giver and Sin-Bearer.

“Watch” (Galatians 6:1) is the Greek word skopon from which we gain our word “scope.” Put yourself under the microscope before examining your spiritual friend. As a grace connector, maintain a strong mental attention to your own potential temptability. Remain humble in spirit.

4. Demonstrated Commitment: “Restore.” “Carry each other’s burden.”

Paul places “restore” in the present, continual tense. Maintain a patient persistence in mending, furnishing, equipping, and setting the dislocated member of the body back in place. Picture the marathon runner. “I love you for the long haul. I’m in this relationship for a lifetime.” Picture the physical therapist who brings her patient back to the place of health by pushing without being pushy.

Paul also describes the spiritual friend as a committed burden-bearer. “Carry each other’s burden” (Galatians 6:2). God calls you to pick up and help carry the weight that overwhelms your friend. “Weight” means anything pressing on people physically, emotionally, or spiritually that makes a demand on their resources. When your friend’s platelets are low, become a spiritual blood transfusion of grace. When your friend’s RPMs are slowing, become their energy conduit.

Carrying each other’s burdens is not optional, nor the domain of a few. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Pastors can’t say, “I just want to preach from the pulpit,” not if they intend on fulfilling Christ’s law. Lay people can’t say, “That’s the pastor’s job,” not if they intend on obeying Christ’s law. Professional counselors can’t say, “I must maintain a professional distance,” not if they intend on living Christ’s law.

The Rest of the Story

You may be wondering, “But what does it look like and sound like?” Thanks for asking. In our next post we learn about Verbal Grace Connecting.

Join the Conversation

Of the four points outlined above from Galatians 6, which one do you think you most need to add to your spiritual friendship ministry?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Grace Connecting, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Friends

Grace Connecting: Exposure without Rejection

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Two of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What Grace Connecting Requires: Romans 5:6-8

Grace connection requires exposure without rejection, truth with relationship, curiosity rather than analysis, and face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. Christ models exposure without rejection in Romans 5:6-8. “While we were yet sinners” (exposure). “Christ died for us” (acceptance). Grace connection communicates, “I see you warts and all, and I still love you, accept you, like you, and move toward you.”

Paul models truth with relationship in Ephesians 4:15. He tells us that the essence of pastoral care involves speaking and living out the truth in love. Consider possible ways to do ministry:

• Truth Minus Relationship: Intimidation/Compliance

• Relationship Minus Truth: Indecision/Confusion

• Truth Plus Relationship: Internalization/Conformity to Christ

Jesus models curiosity versus analysis. At the end of John 2, John notes that Jesus knew all people universally and deeply. Yet, he did not allow his full knowledge to blind him to the uniqueness of individuals. Following John 2, Jesus engages two of the most diverse individuals imaginable: the Jewish male moral religious leader and the Samaritan female immoral irreligious follower. Reread both accounts and you’ll see his respect for each. His probing curiosity. His unique interactions and involvement.

Analysis views your spiritual friend as “a specimen” to be dissected, analyzed, and studied. Curiosity sees your spiritual friend as an image bearer to be experienced, a mystery to enter, and a soul to know.

We would all do well to tape the following prayer somewhere in our “counseling” office. Or better, somewhere in our soul.

The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

In John 3-4, Jesus models face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. He enters their individual worlds. He goes where they are, both geographically and soulfully. He becomes a cartographer of their soul, exploring their personal terrain.

With the woman at the well, in particular, he exposes his humanness. He’s authentic, open, vulnerable, and honest. He connects, touches, and moves toward. He’s anything but surface, fake, phony, uncaring, and distancing.

Building a Connected Spiritual Friendship: Galatians 6:1

How do you develop connected relationships? Exploring how not to develop grace relationships begins to answer that question.

How Not to Build Grace Connections: Job 16:2

Job accused his “friends” of being “miserable comforters.” The word “miserable” means troublesome, vexing, and sorrow-causing. They were the opposite of “comforters”—they were not consoling, sympathetic; they did not feel deeply Job’s hurt. They never said or conveyed in any way, “It’s normal to hurt.”

Instead of grace connecting, they practiced condemning distancing. Read the verses below and notice examples of their poor relational abilities flowing out of their poor theology (Job 42:7) and their cold hearts:

1. Superiority: Job 5:8; 8:2; 11:2-12; 12:1-3; 15:7-17

“We’re better than you. You’re inferior to us.”

2. Judgmentalism: Job 4:4-9; 15:2-6

“It’s not normal to hurt! Your suffering is due to your sinning!”

3. Advice without Insight/Discernment: Job 5:8; 8:5-6; 11:13-20; 42:7

“Here’s what I would do if I were you.” “Do this and life’s complexities will melt away.” “I have the secret that will fix your situation.” They offered quick, trite advice. They were rescuers, answer men, and cliché makers. 

The Rest of the Story

I know, you want to scream, “Don’t stop now! Not with what not to do!” Sorry. But come on back for Part Three: How to Build Grace Connections.

Join the Conversation

How would your relationships change if you prayed The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer? “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

Tags: Soul Care, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Friends, Spiritual Friendships

The Remedy for Secular Psychology

A friend shares with you a set of emotional symptoms that leave the two of you stumped. Where do you turn for answers that make a real difference?

A parishioner tells you about a decade-old “besetting sin” that they just can’t find victory over. Where do you turn to discern root causes and robust cures?

Real Answers for Real People with Real Problems

Whether you’re a lay person or a pastor, where do you turn for real answers?

Unfortunately, too often, in our sincere desire to help our hurting friends, we race to the latest trends. We turn to secular psychology and find human-shaped answers for God-shaped problems. We discover human-sized solutions when what we really need are God-sized SOUL-u-tions.

There has to be a better way.

There is. It’s God’s way. It’s learning to be a soul physician from the ultimate Soul Physician—Christ. It’s Christ-centered, comprehensive, compassionate, and culturally-informed biblical counseling and spiritual formation.

It’s the way the Apostle Paul spoke about and prayed about in Philippians. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight” (Philippians 1:9).

Soul Physicians: The Remedy for Secular Psychology

It was in my first pastoral ministry that I began equipping lay people and pastors to become soul physicians. I longed for them to understand people, diagnose problems, and prescribe solutions—biblically. I long for you to do the same.

Twenty-five years later, I authored Soul Physicians: A Theology of Soul Care and Spiritual Direction. It’s the remedy for secular psychology.

It’s also the remedy for “take two verses and call me in the morning.” It remedies “secular help” and “shallow help.”

Soul Physicians helps you to help your friends. It empowers you to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth.

Unique Focus: Life’s Seven Ultimate Questions

Soul Physician explores from the Scriptures seven truths that shape the way we see life and ministry. These truths about life’s seven ultimate questions teach us what makes biblical counseling truly biblical.

• Question 1: “What is truth? Where do I find answers?” Answer 1—The Word: “God’s Word is sufficient, authoritative, profound, and relevant.”

• Question 2: “Who is God?” Answer 2—Community/The Creator: “God is Trinitarian.”

• Question 3: “Who am I”? Answer 3—Creation: “We are created with dignity by God in the image of Christ.”

• Question 4: “What went wrong?” Answer 4—Fall: “We sinfully and foolishly choose god-substitutes over God.”

• Question 5: “Can we change? How do people change?” Answer 5—Redemption: “We must apply our complete salvation to our daily sanctification.”

• Question 6—“Where am I headed? What is my destiny?” Answer 6—Consummation/Glorification: “Heaven is my final home.”

• Question 7—“Can I help? How can I help?” Answer 7—Sanctification/Ministry: “We dispense God’s cure for the soul—grace.”

Unique Features

• Soul Physicians includes a built-in personal application discussion guide to help develop the Christlike character of the biblical counselor.

• Soul Physicians includes a built-in ministry implication discussion guide to help develop the relational competence of the biblical counselor.

• Soul Physicians is written in the language of “theo-drama”—relating theology practically and powerfully to our calling to love God and to love one another.

• Soul Physicians is comprehensive and compassionate—blending robust biblical truth with caring one another application.

• Soul Physicians is perfect for individual and group work. Join the growing number of lay people, pastors, professional Christian counselors, and students who are using Soul Physicians as their twenty-first century manual for understanding people and ministering to them God’s way.

Learn More

To read what others are saying, to download a free sample chapter, and to order Soul Physicians at 40% off, visit my RPM Ministries Soul Physicians page.

Join the Conversation

Where are you turning to be equipped for one another ministry in the local church that trains you to understand people, diagnose problems, and prescribe solutions—biblically?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Chistian Counseling, Soul Physicians, Spiritual Formation

Note: For part one, please visit: http://bit.ly/tXR7y

Introduction (Repeated from Part One)

I’ve been involved in a fascinating and stimulating discussion with a good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling. She believes that the biblical norm mandates that “counseling” must always be between two people of the same gender.

While I do not agree with her view, I do respect her thinking. Also, I certainly believe that there is much power in same gender “counseling.” It is not “wrong” to “counsel” someone of the same gender. I simply do not believe the Bible says that our “counseling” must be exclusively with members of our own gender.

Now, I’m no fool. I understand that I am going to have people “on both sides” at the very least disagreeing with me, some angry at me, and some even calling me a heretic (it wouldn’t be the first time!).

So why discuss this?

It’s a vital issue. It’s a question I am asked a lot. It’s relevant to ministry today.

So…this is a blog. It’s not a book. It’s not a published article. It’s not the final word. The following thoughts are my random ponderings on the issue pretty much as they appeared in the email string generated by my conversation with my friend.

So…the following views are not “hills I am going to die on.” I express them in the hopes of inviting intelligent, loving spiritual conversations. If you disagree with me, please share comments—speaking the truth in love, like a good “Berean.” If you agree with me, but would say things differently or would include additional reasons, please share those.

Here goes. In no particular order, some reasons why I believe we can “counsel” members of the opposite gender.

6. Titus 2: The Specific Context

Some would say that Titus 2 “mandates” and makes the “biblical norm” same gender “counseling.” But what is the context? And I don’t even mean, “is the historical context true for us today?” (which is an issue that some address). I believe the historical context of Titus 2 has application for us today. But what was the context then and what is it now?

Paul is talking about the specific situation of older women who are experienced wives and mothers mentoring younger women for/in the roles of new wives and mothers (and/or wives-to-be and mothers-to-be). So, yes, of course, who better to help a young woman to learn to be a mother and wife than an older woman/mother/wife?

Likewise, who better to help a younger man to learn to be a godly husband/dad than a mature husband/dad?

These are legitimate roles still today. And training women and men for mentoring focused on the home is very necessary and powerful.

I just do not happen to believe that this one passage ever was meant to imply that a woman could never minister to a man. This one passage does not mandate that every one another spiritual friendship or spiritual direction “counseling” interaction must be female-to-female or male-to-male.

7. 1 Timothy 2:11-16: Collaborative Spiritual Conversations

What about “a woman should learn in quietness…”? And, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man”?

These are highly contentious verses. I do not intend to address the full spectrum of issues (such as historical context, application for today regarding local church preaching, etc.). My focus is on what implication, if any, this might have for “counseling” today.

I have studied this whole section in detail. I would translate the lexical meaning of the words in context as, “a woman should not have final authoritative teaching over a man in the church.” (Again, I understand that some would take issue with this translation, with whether this is applicable to the church today, etc. For the sake of argument, I am granting that this is applicable for local church final authoritative preaching.)

However, as I’ve stated, my model of biblical counseling, spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction is not about final authoritative, directive teaching. It is about collaborative spiritual conversations that seek to relate God’s Word to another person’s life. I do not see 1 Timothy 2:11-15 as prohibiting women from offering spiritual friendship, soul care, or spiritual direction to men.

8. But What About Temptation: Fair Question

Many will say, “It’s not simply about whether women can or should ‘have authority’ over a male. It is about men not counseling women and women not counseling men—primarily because of temptation toward an emotional and/or physical affair.”

Granted, we have all heard the horror stories. However, if we are listening, then we have also heard, increasingly, the horror stories of female “counselors seducing female counselees.” I have a female friend who specializes in counseling women who have been seduced by their female counselors. If she specializes in it, just imagine how often it occurs.

And we have all heard the horror stories of “male pastors seducing male parishioners (especially young boys and teens).”

Thus, we really don’t protect against the temptation toward sinful affairs or emotional attachments simply by “counseling” only male with male or female with female.

What we need are mature, wise males and females who establish the appropriate boundaries and safeguards so that affairs and inappropriate attachments do not develop. Whether it is “formal counseling” or “informal spiritual friendships,” all such relationships must follow established procedures that ensure propriety and integrity.

We ought to empower and equip men and women with the spiritual maturity to engage in what God calls us to do with the wisdom to set appropriate boundaries. Instead, we avoid something good and commanded in Scripture because of something bad that might occur. Out of fear of what might occur in our sinful culture we avoid what the Bible calls us to do to impact our sinful culture.

No one is calling for inappropriate relationships without safeguards. No one is saying that every person is currently ready for one another spiritual friendships with members of the opposite gender. (That’s why the title is “Ten Reasons We Can,” not “Ten Reasons Everyone Must.”) For those without the current personal maturity to handle one another spiritual friendships, the answer is personal discipleship.

9. Potential Sinful Bias: The Potential for Negativity toward Women

I understand that many/most who are against counseling the opposite gender are not “anti-female.” However, in church history and still today in the church there are some who use this topic/issue as one more way to demean, discredit, and marginalize women.

There are men who use “women mentor women” to make women second-class Christians. The attitude can sometimes be, “Women, work with women and children because you are inferior to men.” Such attitudes toward female image bearers is sinful in the sight of God who made us different but equal.

10. Proverbial Wisdom: How God Works

We never build theology on experience. However, proverbial wisdom is a legitimate category of thinking and reflecting.

As I reflect on my life and the lives of many other men and women, I have been greatly ministered to by many godly women. They have been my spiritual friends and biblical counselors in one another ministry and in small group fellowship. Many times other men and women have pointed to these healthy, balanced, ethical, with-integrity, moral, pure relationships as examples to them of how men and women can minister to one another.

I’ve heard many women, in particular, express how sad it is for them that such fear of impropriety causes men never to have a candid, open conversation with them. They feel as if they are lepers or “Jezebels”—a temptress one must run from. How sad.

God, in His affectionate sovereignty, can choose to use healthy one another spiritual friendships as part of His maturing work in our lives so that we do not engage in sinful relationships. Perhaps it is our Evangelical fear of the opposite sex and the commensurate avoidance of one another spiritual friendships that contribute to the number of affairs we are seeing today.

What Are Your Thoughts?

These are my rambling ponderings.

What are your thoughts?