Emotional Intelligence: The ABCs of Emotions

Part 7: Become an Emotional Mentor: How to Help Others with Their Emotions 

Introduction: You’re reading Part 7 in a blog mini-series on Emotional Intelligence. Read Part 1: Emotions: God’s Idea, Part 2: Why We Feel What We Feel, Part 3: Good News about Good Moods, Part 4: What Went Wrong?, Part 5: Our Emotions and Our Bodies, and Part 6: How’s Your EI? I’ve developed this series from material in my book Soul Physicians.

Emotions Are God-Given

Of course emotions are God-given because God created us in His image, including His emotional image. As John Piper notes, “God’s emotional life is infinitely complex beyond our ability to fully comprehend.”

While our emotions are not infinitely complex, they are complex. So, in ministering to others, let people have their feelings. Face people’s feelings, don’t fear them, don’t run from them.

Since emotional maturity includes experiencing life deeply and acting on feelings wisely, help people to face their feelings. Point them out. Explore them. Think about them.

Emotional Maturity Is Learned

Explore where your spiritual friends learned how to handle their emotions. Trace their emotional education to its roots. Then help your spiritual friends to unlearn (put off) unhealthy emotional living and learn (put on) healthy emotionality.

Bring rationality to emotionality. Explore the Scriptures with your spiritual friends to discern how they can respond to their emotions and to understand how their emotions reveal their deepest attitudes toward God.

Spiritual Discipline Is Vital to Emotional Health

Help people to tune their whole person—body and soul, mind and emotion—to be ready recipients of God’s grace. Teach the spiritual disciplines—like prayer, biblical meditation (Psalm 1), silence, solitude, simplicity, submission, service, etc.

Help people to understand that the Psalms are “emotional mentors.” Meditating on, applying, and paraphrasing psalms help us to face our feelings face-to-face with God.

The Rest of the Story

In our next post, we shift gears considerably as we move from God’s design for our emotions to sin’s distortion of our emotions, feelings, and moods. Read all about it in Emotions Gone Bad and Mad.

Join the Conversation

Of the three foundational principles of helping people with their emotional maturity, which one do you most want to add to your tool box of spiritual friendship?

How to Build Grace Connections

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Three of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Read Part Two: Grace Connections. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Left Hanging

I left you hanging yesterday by telling you what not to do, but not sharing what to do. Glad you were patient. Here’s the how to.

How to Build Grace Connections: Galatians 6:1-3

Connecting is a commitment to love another person. It is compassionate discernment in action. It is not a technique to be mastered, but a way of life to be nurtured by personal communion with Christ. Communion with Christ leads to connection with others.

Galatians 6:1-3, in the context of Paul’s discussion of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, exposes how to build grace relationships.

1. Loving Motivation: “You who are spiritual.”

The fruit of the Spirit characterizes effective spiritual friends. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter who comes alongside to help in time of need. In the Spirit’s power, you are to be a friend acting in the best interest of your friend. You’re a friend acting on behalf of another, interceding for, defending, and advocating. You’re an encourager standing up for, standing behind, standing with, and standing back-to-back and alongside your spiritual friend. The “spiritual” person is like a coach who has been in the game, lost, struck out, but has some game experience that sure does help.

2. Intimate Friendship/Knowledge: “Brothers.”

Spiritual friendship requires intimate family relationship. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Picture best friends hiking a mountain. One has been there before, so she’s the guide who has found a few good routes and gladly shares them with her best friend.

Evaluation forms from folks who have been “counseled” by lay encouragers express this sense of intimate friendship. “Even though we had never met before, our times were like two friends walking together.” “I could feel your concern; we were on the same level.” “You accepted me. You didn’t scold me like a Mom, but were honest like a friend.”

3. Communicating Equality: “But watch yourself or you also may be tempted.” “Restore gently.”

Gentleness looks like a tamed stallion, strength under control, firm compassion, mature self-control, and power and love mingled through wisdom. Christ labels himself “gentle” in Matthew 11:29, saying that unlike the Pharisees who were sin-spotters and burden-givers, he was Rest-Giver and Sin-Bearer.

“Watch” (Galatians 6:1) is the Greek word skopon from which we gain our word “scope.” Put yourself under the microscope before examining your spiritual friend. As a grace connector, maintain a strong mental attention to your own potential temptability. Remain humble in spirit.

4. Demonstrated Commitment: “Restore.” “Carry each other’s burden.”

Paul places “restore” in the present, continual tense. Maintain a patient persistence in mending, furnishing, equipping, and setting the dislocated member of the body back in place. Picture the marathon runner. “I love you for the long haul. I’m in this relationship for a lifetime.” Picture the physical therapist who brings her patient back to the place of health by pushing without being pushy.

Paul also describes the spiritual friend as a committed burden-bearer. “Carry each other’s burden” (Galatians 6:2). God calls you to pick up and help carry the weight that overwhelms your friend. “Weight” means anything pressing on people physically, emotionally, or spiritually that makes a demand on their resources. When your friend’s platelets are low, become a spiritual blood transfusion of grace. When your friend’s RPMs are slowing, become their energy conduit.

Carrying each other’s burdens is not optional, nor the domain of a few. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Pastors can’t say, “I just want to preach from the pulpit,” not if they intend on fulfilling Christ’s law. Lay people can’t say, “That’s the pastor’s job,” not if they intend on obeying Christ’s law. Professional counselors can’t say, “I must maintain a professional distance,” not if they intend on living Christ’s law.

The Rest of the Story

You may be wondering, “But what does it look like and sound like?” Thanks for asking. In our next post we learn about Verbal Grace Connecting.

Join the Conversation

Of the four points outlined above from Galatians 6, which one do you think you most need to add to your spiritual friendship ministry?

Grace Connecting: Exposure without Rejection

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Two of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What Grace Connecting Requires: Romans 5:6-8

Grace connection requires exposure without rejection, truth with relationship, curiosity rather than analysis, and face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. Christ models exposure without rejection in Romans 5:6-8. “While we were yet sinners” (exposure). “Christ died for us” (acceptance). Grace connection communicates, “I see you warts and all, and I still love you, accept you, like you, and move toward you.”

Paul models truth with relationship in Ephesians 4:15. He tells us that the essence of pastoral care involves speaking and living out the truth in love. Consider possible ways to do ministry:

• Truth Minus Relationship: Intimidation/Compliance

• Relationship Minus Truth: Indecision/Confusion

• Truth Plus Relationship: Internalization/Conformity to Christ

Jesus models curiosity versus analysis. At the end of John 2, John notes that Jesus knew all people universally and deeply. Yet, he did not allow his full knowledge to blind him to the uniqueness of individuals. Following John 2, Jesus engages two of the most diverse individuals imaginable: the Jewish male moral religious leader and the Samaritan female immoral irreligious follower. Reread both accounts and you’ll see his respect for each. His probing curiosity. His unique interactions and involvement.

Analysis views your spiritual friend as “a specimen” to be dissected, analyzed, and studied. Curiosity sees your spiritual friend as an image bearer to be experienced, a mystery to enter, and a soul to know.

We would all do well to tape the following prayer somewhere in our “counseling” office. Or better, somewhere in our soul.

The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

In John 3-4, Jesus models face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. He enters their individual worlds. He goes where they are, both geographically and soulfully. He becomes a cartographer of their soul, exploring their personal terrain.

With the woman at the well, in particular, he exposes his humanness. He’s authentic, open, vulnerable, and honest. He connects, touches, and moves toward. He’s anything but surface, fake, phony, uncaring, and distancing.

Building a Connected Spiritual Friendship: Galatians 6:1

How do you develop connected relationships? Exploring how not to develop grace relationships begins to answer that question.

How Not to Build Grace Connections: Job 16:2

Job accused his “friends” of being “miserable comforters.” The word “miserable” means troublesome, vexing, and sorrow-causing. They were the opposite of “comforters”—they were not consoling, sympathetic; they did not feel deeply Job’s hurt. They never said or conveyed in any way, “It’s normal to hurt.”

Instead of grace connecting, they practiced condemning distancing. Read the verses below and notice examples of their poor relational abilities flowing out of their poor theology (Job 42:7) and their cold hearts:

1. Superiority: Job 5:8; 8:2; 11:2-12; 12:1-3; 15:7-17

“We’re better than you. You’re inferior to us.”

2. Judgmentalism: Job 4:4-9; 15:2-6

“It’s not normal to hurt! Your suffering is due to your sinning!”

3. Advice without Insight/Discernment: Job 5:8; 8:5-6; 11:13-20; 42:7

“Here’s what I would do if I were you.” “Do this and life’s complexities will melt away.” “I have the secret that will fix your situation.” They offered quick, trite advice. They were rescuers, answer men, and cliché makers. 

The Rest of the Story

I know, you want to scream, “Don’t stop now! Not with what not to do!” Sorry. But come on back for Part Three: How to Build Grace Connections.

Join the Conversation

How would your relationships change if you prayed The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer? “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

How to Care Like Christ: Offer GRACE

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part One of a new blog mini-series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What to Do After the Hug

When your friend comes to you in the throes of suffering, how can you help? What do you do after the hug? Or, put another way, “How can my spiritual friends and I engage in grace relationships that sustain their faith?”

This question begs another. “What is a grace relationship?” Grace relationships involve five one another relational competencies that I summarize using the acrostic GRACE:

• G Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6

• R Rich Soul Empathizing: Romans 12:15

• A Accurate/Active Spiritual Listening: John 2:23-4:43

• C Caring Spiritual Conversations: Ephesians 4:29

• E Empathetic Scriptural Explorations: Isaiah 61:1-3

Picture grace that helps others in their time of need. Picture Jesus. Picture caring like Christ.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:14-16).

What a perfect picture of grace relating. Jesus is not aloof, distant, or removed. In His incarnation, He went through the heavens to earth sharing in our humanity, becoming like us, so that He might help us (Hebrews 2:14-18). Jesus is not unsympathetic. He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities. He’s able to suffer with and be affected similarly to us. He has the same pathos, shares the same experience, has fellow feelings, endures a mutual participation, and partakes of a full acquaintance with us. He offers grace to help in our time of need—well-timed help, help in the nick of time, words aptly spoken in season and actions seasoned with grace.

We can become Jesus with skin on by expressing GRACE relational competencies. The first of which we aptly call “Grace Connecting”: personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person.

Grace Connecting: Committed Involvement—Proverbs 27:6

Grace connecting involves communion through communication. You have love in your heart for your spiritual friends. Do they know that? Can they feel it? Do they experience you? Grace connecting allows your passionate love to powerfully touch your spiritual friend.

Connecting is the foundational competency in the art of relationships. Spouses need it. So do parents, co-workers, teammates, friends, church members, and neighbors. We all need to become competent connectors. If we were, all professional helpers (social workers, counselors, and psychologists) would be superfluous, extra, excess, fluff.

The Need for Grace Connecting

There’s plenty of potential pain in spiritual friendship. Ponder what it’s like for you when another person becomes aware of the grief in your soul or the sin in your heart. Risk. Vulnerability. Exposure. Consider:

• How unpleasant it is when you experience and acknowledge devastating emotions (Psalm 42, Psalm 88) (emotional).

• How shameful it feels to admit your sinful motivations and actions, and to feel too weak to do anything about them (Romans 7, James 4-5, Hebrews 3) (volitional).

• How embarrassing it is to confess your mental confusion and sub-biblical images and beliefs about God, others, yourself, and life (Romans 8, 12, Ephesians 4) (rational).

• How vulnerable you feel when you open up about emptiness and thirsts in your soul (Romans 8:18-27) (relational).

• What it’s like to feel like your hurt is abnormal (sustaining).

• What it’s like to believe that it’s impossible to hope (healing).

• What it’s like to experience the horrors of your sin without understanding the wonders of God’s grace (reconciling).

• What it’s like to sense that you’ll never mature (guiding).

When people share about these issues, they need a trustworthy friend. They need grace relationships offered through grace connecting.

Defining Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6; 20:30

What is grace connecting? I often learn best by opposites, by poor examples. Let’s start with what grace connecting is not.

Grace Connecting Is Not

The following would not make the pain, risk, and vulnerability of spiritual friendship bearable.

• A Warm Feeling: “Boy, I feel neat when I’m with you.” Spiritual friendship is not always a pleasant experience.

• Sweetness: Merely reflecting and mirroring whatever your spiritual friend says. Non-directive acceptance of everything, including sin.

• A Stage in Counseling: “We’ll do connecting today and then drop it.”

• A Technique in Counseling: “Crying 101.” “Three steps to really caring.”

What Grace Connecting Is: Incarnation

Let’s develop from Scripture our definition of grace connecting: personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” Solomon teaches in Proverbs 27:6 (KJV).

“Wounds” are a splitting apart as a doctor does for surgery, an exposure. You enter the ER and say, “Doctor, my chest and the right side of my body are killing me!” You don’t want him to simply be sweet. “That must be really hard for you.” You want him to be skillful, competent—able to diagnose and treat your ailment. So, too, with spiritual friendship. You want to be able to compassionately diagnose heart issues, pulling open the soul and peering deeply inside.

“Faithful” means to support, to bear, to be trustworthy. Alonzo, facing the diagnosis of inoperable cancer, wants to be able to say about you, “I trust you with my soul.” “Faithful” also means to be strong, stable. Alonzo wants to know that his words will not overwhelm you. Touch you deeply, yes. Overwhelm you, no. As his wounds are opened, he wants to know that they will not make you faint, that you will not think less of him.

“Friend” literally means “one who loves you, lover.” The Scriptures use the same word in 2 Chronicles 20:7, calling Abraham God’s “forever friend.” Think of God’s grace relationship with Abraham—encounter, intimacy, fellowship, accountability, fidelity, stability—and you will picture grace connecting.

Proverbs 20:30 speaks of deep commitment to maturity. “Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.” “Cleanse” means to rub, to polish, to grind and buff repeatedly. Picture waxing your car, cleaning your silver. That’s hard work requiring time, effort, and commitment. Alonzo wants to know that you will use all your resources to help him in his time of need. Connection means that you are committed to Alonzo’s growth even when it hurts him and you.

The Rest of the Story

Join us next time as we learn how to practice the art of grace connecting.

Join the Conversation

Who ministers to you through grace connecting?

Note: For part one, please visit: http://bit.ly/tXR7y

Introduction (Repeated from Part One)

I’ve been involved in a fascinating and stimulating discussion with a good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling. She believes that the biblical norm mandates that “counseling” must always be between two people of the same gender.

While I do not agree with her view, I do respect her thinking. Also, I certainly believe that there is much power in same gender “counseling.” It is not “wrong” to “counsel” someone of the same gender. I simply do not believe the Bible says that our “counseling” must be exclusively with members of our own gender.

Now, I’m no fool. I understand that I am going to have people “on both sides” at the very least disagreeing with me, some angry at me, and some even calling me a heretic (it wouldn’t be the first time!).

So why discuss this?

It’s a vital issue. It’s a question I am asked a lot. It’s relevant to ministry today.

So…this is a blog. It’s not a book. It’s not a published article. It’s not the final word. The following thoughts are my random ponderings on the issue pretty much as they appeared in the email string generated by my conversation with my friend.

So…the following views are not “hills I am going to die on.” I express them in the hopes of inviting intelligent, loving spiritual conversations. If you disagree with me, please share comments—speaking the truth in love, like a good “Berean.” If you agree with me, but would say things differently or would include additional reasons, please share those.

Here goes. In no particular order, some reasons why I believe we can “counsel” members of the opposite gender.

6. Titus 2: The Specific Context

Some would say that Titus 2 “mandates” and makes the “biblical norm” same gender “counseling.” But what is the context? And I don’t even mean, “is the historical context true for us today?” (which is an issue that some address). I believe the historical context of Titus 2 has application for us today. But what was the context then and what is it now?

Paul is talking about the specific situation of older women who are experienced wives and mothers mentoring younger women for/in the roles of new wives and mothers (and/or wives-to-be and mothers-to-be). So, yes, of course, who better to help a young woman to learn to be a mother and wife than an older woman/mother/wife?

Likewise, who better to help a younger man to learn to be a godly husband/dad than a mature husband/dad?

These are legitimate roles still today. And training women and men for mentoring focused on the home is very necessary and powerful.

I just do not happen to believe that this one passage ever was meant to imply that a woman could never minister to a man. This one passage does not mandate that every one another spiritual friendship or spiritual direction “counseling” interaction must be female-to-female or male-to-male.

7. 1 Timothy 2:11-16: Collaborative Spiritual Conversations

What about “a woman should learn in quietness…”? And, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man”?

These are highly contentious verses. I do not intend to address the full spectrum of issues (such as historical context, application for today regarding local church preaching, etc.). My focus is on what implication, if any, this might have for “counseling” today.

I have studied this whole section in detail. I would translate the lexical meaning of the words in context as, “a woman should not have final authoritative teaching over a man in the church.” (Again, I understand that some would take issue with this translation, with whether this is applicable to the church today, etc. For the sake of argument, I am granting that this is applicable for local church final authoritative preaching.)

However, as I’ve stated, my model of biblical counseling, spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction is not about final authoritative, directive teaching. It is about collaborative spiritual conversations that seek to relate God’s Word to another person’s life. I do not see 1 Timothy 2:11-15 as prohibiting women from offering spiritual friendship, soul care, or spiritual direction to men.

8. But What About Temptation: Fair Question

Many will say, “It’s not simply about whether women can or should ‘have authority’ over a male. It is about men not counseling women and women not counseling men—primarily because of temptation toward an emotional and/or physical affair.”

Granted, we have all heard the horror stories. However, if we are listening, then we have also heard, increasingly, the horror stories of female “counselors seducing female counselees.” I have a female friend who specializes in counseling women who have been seduced by their female counselors. If she specializes in it, just imagine how often it occurs.

And we have all heard the horror stories of “male pastors seducing male parishioners (especially young boys and teens).”

Thus, we really don’t protect against the temptation toward sinful affairs or emotional attachments simply by “counseling” only male with male or female with female.

What we need are mature, wise males and females who establish the appropriate boundaries and safeguards so that affairs and inappropriate attachments do not develop. Whether it is “formal counseling” or “informal spiritual friendships,” all such relationships must follow established procedures that ensure propriety and integrity.

We ought to empower and equip men and women with the spiritual maturity to engage in what God calls us to do with the wisdom to set appropriate boundaries. Instead, we avoid something good and commanded in Scripture because of something bad that might occur. Out of fear of what might occur in our sinful culture we avoid what the Bible calls us to do to impact our sinful culture.

No one is calling for inappropriate relationships without safeguards. No one is saying that every person is currently ready for one another spiritual friendships with members of the opposite gender. (That’s why the title is “Ten Reasons We Can,” not “Ten Reasons Everyone Must.”) For those without the current personal maturity to handle one another spiritual friendships, the answer is personal discipleship.

9. Potential Sinful Bias: The Potential for Negativity toward Women

I understand that many/most who are against counseling the opposite gender are not “anti-female.” However, in church history and still today in the church there are some who use this topic/issue as one more way to demean, discredit, and marginalize women.

There are men who use “women mentor women” to make women second-class Christians. The attitude can sometimes be, “Women, work with women and children because you are inferior to men.” Such attitudes toward female image bearers is sinful in the sight of God who made us different but equal.

10. Proverbial Wisdom: How God Works

We never build theology on experience. However, proverbial wisdom is a legitimate category of thinking and reflecting.

As I reflect on my life and the lives of many other men and women, I have been greatly ministered to by many godly women. They have been my spiritual friends and biblical counselors in one another ministry and in small group fellowship. Many times other men and women have pointed to these healthy, balanced, ethical, with-integrity, moral, pure relationships as examples to them of how men and women can minister to one another.

I’ve heard many women, in particular, express how sad it is for them that such fear of impropriety causes men never to have a candid, open conversation with them. They feel as if they are lepers or “Jezebels”—a temptress one must run from. How sad.

God, in His affectionate sovereignty, can choose to use healthy one another spiritual friendships as part of His maturing work in our lives so that we do not engage in sinful relationships. Perhaps it is our Evangelical fear of the opposite sex and the commensurate avoidance of one another spiritual friendships that contribute to the number of affairs we are seeing today.

What Are Your Thoughts?

These are my rambling ponderings.

What are your thoughts?

Introduction

I’ve been involved in a fascinating and stimulating discussion with a good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling. She believes that the biblical norm mandates that “counseling” must always be between two people of the same gender.

While I do not agree with her view, I do respect her thinking. Also, I certainly believe that there is much power in same gender “counseling.” It is not “wrong” to “counsel” someone of the same gender. I simply do not believe the Bible says that our “counseling” must be exclusively with members of our own gender.

Now, I’m no fool. I understand that I am going to have people “on both sides” at the very least disagreeing with me, some angry at me, and some even calling me a heretic (it wouldn’t be the first time!).

So why discuss this?

It’s a vital issue. It’s a question I am asked a lot. It’s relevant to ministry today.

So…this is a blog. It’s not a book. It’s not a published article. It’s not the final word. The following thoughts are my random ponderings on the issue pretty much as they appeared in the email string generated by my conversation with my friend.

So…the following views are not “hills I am going to die on.” I express them in the hopes of inviting intelligent, loving spiritual conversations. If you disagree with me, please share comments—speaking the truth in love, like a good “Berean.” If you agree with me, but would say things differently or would include additional reasons, please share those.

Here goes. In no particular order, some reasons why I believe we can “counsel” members of the opposite gender.

1. “Counseling”: How We Define It

Notice that I have been putting “counseling” in quotation marks. We need to start with what we mean by “counseling.”

I’m big on one another ministry. So for me, “counseling” is simply one another spiritual friendship. I don’t see anywhere that the Bible suggests that one another ministry should be exclusively same gender.

Additionally, my model of biblical counseling and spiritual friendship does not focus on final authoritative, directive teaching. It highlights collaborative, “trialogues” where we explore together how God’s Word relates to one another’s lives. I do not believe that this one another practice of collaborative exploration of God’s Word is in any way excluded by any biblical exhortation about women teaching men (see more on this in a subsequent point).

Now, I’m not naïve. I understand that we must address the more formalized relationship of one person who is the recognized “counselor” and one person who is the recognized “counselee.” Even this is not a new issue. Throughout church history people experienced the relationship of a spiritual director to a “directee.”

But again, my definition of soul care and spiritual direction involves a mutual relationship where one person seeks to sustain, heal, reconcile, and guide another person to apply God’s changeless truth to another person’s life.

I do not believe that this spiritual direction practice of collaborative exploration of God’s Word is in any way excluded by any biblical exhortation about women teaching men (see more on this in a subsequent point).

2. Theology of Gender: Genesis 1 and 2 and Creation as Male and Female

I know that some could take our distinct genders to mean that since we are different at the soul level, we should not counsel one another. I would say the opposite.

The idea that it is not good for man/male to be alone, is not only husband/wife, but also male/female. In other words, when we separate by gender in the church, just like when we separate by ethnicity and by age, we lose the beauty of diversity that God has planned.

Males need the unique spiritual friendship insights of females. Females need the unique spiritual friendship insights of males. We need one another.

3. Biblical One Another Exhortations: Let’s Be Consistent

I believe all the one another passages exhort us to offer one another mutual spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction. None of these passages hint at such commands being directed only toward same gender spiritual conversations.

In fact, when Paul says to speak to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, the context is across cultures, across socieo-economic lines, and across genders (Colossians 3:11-16). When Paul says, in this same context, “Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another,” surely no one would say, “That only applies to men with men and women with women.”

Paul says in Colossians 3:9, “Do not lie to each other.” Surely no one would say, “Well, that applies only to men with men and women with women.” Yet, a scant few verses later Paul says, “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with wisdom…” (3:16). Sounds like “counseling.” That’s why I would define biblical counseling as teaching and admonishing one another with wisdom, and I would see Paul commanding all believers to engage in such biblical counseling one with another—including men with women and women with men.

4. Biblical Examples: What Do We See in the Bible?

Jesus and the woman at the well provide a biblical example of a male ministering one-to-one with a female.

The relationship of Aquila and Priscilla to Apollos provides a biblical example of a male/female team mentoring (providing spiritual direction to) a male. Some might say, “Wait, that’s a husband/wife team, so that’s not even in your category of “counseling.” That comment just shows how much we’ve been influenced by modernistic, secular images of what “counseling” is.

Aquila and Priscilla with Apollos is exactly the category of ministry I am addressing. One another spiritual friendships with the opposite gender can include husband and wives ministering to husband and wives. They can include “mixed” small groups. The issue is, can we minister to members of the opposite gender? The issue is not simply the “setting.”

Paul’s list of names in the small house churches in Rome is another example of one another spiritual friendship and small group fellowship being across genders (Romans 16).

I plan to search the Scriptures for further examples.

5. Church History: Women and Men Provided Sacred Friendships to One Another

Anyone who reads my new book, Sacred Friendships (http://bit.ly/YmaM1) will see how many godly women mentored godly men. The famous Church Fathers were mentored, time after time, by the less-famous, but equally vital, women of the early church. Clearly, women were spiritual directors for the Church Fathers.

I am not saying that history and tradition are equal to inspired Scripture. However, since my interpretation and application of Scripture is not inspired, and neither is yours, I do want to learn from others in church history. And many great Church Fathers, Reformers, and Puritan men benefited from and believed in the role of ministry “across genders.”

Additionally, throughout church history, male pastors provided “counsel” to women. In many cases, we have detailed descriptions of ongoing “counseling” between male pastors and their female parishioners (this is especially true of the Reformers and Puritans).

What Are Your Thoughts?

Thus ends part one of my rambling ponderings.

What are your thoughts?

Be sure to return for part two…