How to Build Grace Connections

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Three of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Read Part Two: Grace Connections. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Left Hanging

I left you hanging yesterday by telling you what not to do, but not sharing what to do. Glad you were patient. Here’s the how to.

How to Build Grace Connections: Galatians 6:1-3

Connecting is a commitment to love another person. It is compassionate discernment in action. It is not a technique to be mastered, but a way of life to be nurtured by personal communion with Christ. Communion with Christ leads to connection with others.

Galatians 6:1-3, in the context of Paul’s discussion of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, exposes how to build grace relationships.

1. Loving Motivation: “You who are spiritual.”

The fruit of the Spirit characterizes effective spiritual friends. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter who comes alongside to help in time of need. In the Spirit’s power, you are to be a friend acting in the best interest of your friend. You’re a friend acting on behalf of another, interceding for, defending, and advocating. You’re an encourager standing up for, standing behind, standing with, and standing back-to-back and alongside your spiritual friend. The “spiritual” person is like a coach who has been in the game, lost, struck out, but has some game experience that sure does help.

2. Intimate Friendship/Knowledge: “Brothers.”

Spiritual friendship requires intimate family relationship. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Picture best friends hiking a mountain. One has been there before, so she’s the guide who has found a few good routes and gladly shares them with her best friend.

Evaluation forms from folks who have been “counseled” by lay encouragers express this sense of intimate friendship. “Even though we had never met before, our times were like two friends walking together.” “I could feel your concern; we were on the same level.” “You accepted me. You didn’t scold me like a Mom, but were honest like a friend.”

3. Communicating Equality: “But watch yourself or you also may be tempted.” “Restore gently.”

Gentleness looks like a tamed stallion, strength under control, firm compassion, mature self-control, and power and love mingled through wisdom. Christ labels himself “gentle” in Matthew 11:29, saying that unlike the Pharisees who were sin-spotters and burden-givers, he was Rest-Giver and Sin-Bearer.

“Watch” (Galatians 6:1) is the Greek word skopon from which we gain our word “scope.” Put yourself under the microscope before examining your spiritual friend. As a grace connector, maintain a strong mental attention to your own potential temptability. Remain humble in spirit.

4. Demonstrated Commitment: “Restore.” “Carry each other’s burden.”

Paul places “restore” in the present, continual tense. Maintain a patient persistence in mending, furnishing, equipping, and setting the dislocated member of the body back in place. Picture the marathon runner. “I love you for the long haul. I’m in this relationship for a lifetime.” Picture the physical therapist who brings her patient back to the place of health by pushing without being pushy.

Paul also describes the spiritual friend as a committed burden-bearer. “Carry each other’s burden” (Galatians 6:2). God calls you to pick up and help carry the weight that overwhelms your friend. “Weight” means anything pressing on people physically, emotionally, or spiritually that makes a demand on their resources. When your friend’s platelets are low, become a spiritual blood transfusion of grace. When your friend’s RPMs are slowing, become their energy conduit.

Carrying each other’s burdens is not optional, nor the domain of a few. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Pastors can’t say, “I just want to preach from the pulpit,” not if they intend on fulfilling Christ’s law. Lay people can’t say, “That’s the pastor’s job,” not if they intend on obeying Christ’s law. Professional counselors can’t say, “I must maintain a professional distance,” not if they intend on living Christ’s law.

The Rest of the Story

You may be wondering, “But what does it look like and sound like?” Thanks for asking. In our next post we learn about Verbal Grace Connecting.

Join the Conversation

Of the four points outlined above from Galatians 6, which one do you think you most need to add to your spiritual friendship ministry?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Grace Connecting, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Friends

Grace Connecting: Exposure without Rejection

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Two of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What Grace Connecting Requires: Romans 5:6-8

Grace connection requires exposure without rejection, truth with relationship, curiosity rather than analysis, and face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. Christ models exposure without rejection in Romans 5:6-8. “While we were yet sinners” (exposure). “Christ died for us” (acceptance). Grace connection communicates, “I see you warts and all, and I still love you, accept you, like you, and move toward you.”

Paul models truth with relationship in Ephesians 4:15. He tells us that the essence of pastoral care involves speaking and living out the truth in love. Consider possible ways to do ministry:

• Truth Minus Relationship: Intimidation/Compliance

• Relationship Minus Truth: Indecision/Confusion

• Truth Plus Relationship: Internalization/Conformity to Christ

Jesus models curiosity versus analysis. At the end of John 2, John notes that Jesus knew all people universally and deeply. Yet, he did not allow his full knowledge to blind him to the uniqueness of individuals. Following John 2, Jesus engages two of the most diverse individuals imaginable: the Jewish male moral religious leader and the Samaritan female immoral irreligious follower. Reread both accounts and you’ll see his respect for each. His probing curiosity. His unique interactions and involvement.

Analysis views your spiritual friend as “a specimen” to be dissected, analyzed, and studied. Curiosity sees your spiritual friend as an image bearer to be experienced, a mystery to enter, and a soul to know.

We would all do well to tape the following prayer somewhere in our “counseling” office. Or better, somewhere in our soul.

The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

In John 3-4, Jesus models face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. He enters their individual worlds. He goes where they are, both geographically and soulfully. He becomes a cartographer of their soul, exploring their personal terrain.

With the woman at the well, in particular, he exposes his humanness. He’s authentic, open, vulnerable, and honest. He connects, touches, and moves toward. He’s anything but surface, fake, phony, uncaring, and distancing.

Building a Connected Spiritual Friendship: Galatians 6:1

How do you develop connected relationships? Exploring how not to develop grace relationships begins to answer that question.

How Not to Build Grace Connections: Job 16:2

Job accused his “friends” of being “miserable comforters.” The word “miserable” means troublesome, vexing, and sorrow-causing. They were the opposite of “comforters”—they were not consoling, sympathetic; they did not feel deeply Job’s hurt. They never said or conveyed in any way, “It’s normal to hurt.”

Instead of grace connecting, they practiced condemning distancing. Read the verses below and notice examples of their poor relational abilities flowing out of their poor theology (Job 42:7) and their cold hearts:

1. Superiority: Job 5:8; 8:2; 11:2-12; 12:1-3; 15:7-17

“We’re better than you. You’re inferior to us.”

2. Judgmentalism: Job 4:4-9; 15:2-6

“It’s not normal to hurt! Your suffering is due to your sinning!”

3. Advice without Insight/Discernment: Job 5:8; 8:5-6; 11:13-20; 42:7

“Here’s what I would do if I were you.” “Do this and life’s complexities will melt away.” “I have the secret that will fix your situation.” They offered quick, trite advice. They were rescuers, answer men, and cliché makers. 

The Rest of the Story

I know, you want to scream, “Don’t stop now! Not with what not to do!” Sorry. But come on back for Part Three: How to Build Grace Connections.

Join the Conversation

How would your relationships change if you prayed The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer? “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

Tags: Soul Care, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Friends, Spiritual Friendships

How to Care Like Christ: Offer GRACE

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part One of a new blog mini-series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What to Do After the Hug

When your friend comes to you in the throes of suffering, how can you help? What do you do after the hug? Or, put another way, “How can my spiritual friends and I engage in grace relationships that sustain their faith?”

This question begs another. “What is a grace relationship?” Grace relationships involve five one another relational competencies that I summarize using the acrostic GRACE:

• G Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6

• R Rich Soul Empathizing: Romans 12:15

• A Accurate/Active Spiritual Listening: John 2:23-4:43

• C Caring Spiritual Conversations: Ephesians 4:29

• E Empathetic Scriptural Explorations: Isaiah 61:1-3

Picture grace that helps others in their time of need. Picture Jesus. Picture caring like Christ.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:14-16).

What a perfect picture of grace relating. Jesus is not aloof, distant, or removed. In His incarnation, He went through the heavens to earth sharing in our humanity, becoming like us, so that He might help us (Hebrews 2:14-18). Jesus is not unsympathetic. He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities. He’s able to suffer with and be affected similarly to us. He has the same pathos, shares the same experience, has fellow feelings, endures a mutual participation, and partakes of a full acquaintance with us. He offers grace to help in our time of need—well-timed help, help in the nick of time, words aptly spoken in season and actions seasoned with grace.

We can become Jesus with skin on by expressing GRACE relational competencies. The first of which we aptly call “Grace Connecting”: personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person.

Grace Connecting: Committed Involvement—Proverbs 27:6

Grace connecting involves communion through communication. You have love in your heart for your spiritual friends. Do they know that? Can they feel it? Do they experience you? Grace connecting allows your passionate love to powerfully touch your spiritual friend.

Connecting is the foundational competency in the art of relationships. Spouses need it. So do parents, co-workers, teammates, friends, church members, and neighbors. We all need to become competent connectors. If we were, all professional helpers (social workers, counselors, and psychologists) would be superfluous, extra, excess, fluff.

The Need for Grace Connecting

There’s plenty of potential pain in spiritual friendship. Ponder what it’s like for you when another person becomes aware of the grief in your soul or the sin in your heart. Risk. Vulnerability. Exposure. Consider:

• How unpleasant it is when you experience and acknowledge devastating emotions (Psalm 42, Psalm 88) (emotional).

• How shameful it feels to admit your sinful motivations and actions, and to feel too weak to do anything about them (Romans 7, James 4-5, Hebrews 3) (volitional).

• How embarrassing it is to confess your mental confusion and sub-biblical images and beliefs about God, others, yourself, and life (Romans 8, 12, Ephesians 4) (rational).

• How vulnerable you feel when you open up about emptiness and thirsts in your soul (Romans 8:18-27) (relational).

• What it’s like to feel like your hurt is abnormal (sustaining).

• What it’s like to believe that it’s impossible to hope (healing).

• What it’s like to experience the horrors of your sin without understanding the wonders of God’s grace (reconciling).

• What it’s like to sense that you’ll never mature (guiding).

When people share about these issues, they need a trustworthy friend. They need grace relationships offered through grace connecting.

Defining Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6; 20:30

What is grace connecting? I often learn best by opposites, by poor examples. Let’s start with what grace connecting is not.

Grace Connecting Is Not

The following would not make the pain, risk, and vulnerability of spiritual friendship bearable.

• A Warm Feeling: “Boy, I feel neat when I’m with you.” Spiritual friendship is not always a pleasant experience.

• Sweetness: Merely reflecting and mirroring whatever your spiritual friend says. Non-directive acceptance of everything, including sin.

• A Stage in Counseling: “We’ll do connecting today and then drop it.”

• A Technique in Counseling: “Crying 101.” “Three steps to really caring.”

What Grace Connecting Is: Incarnation

Let’s develop from Scripture our definition of grace connecting: personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” Solomon teaches in Proverbs 27:6 (KJV).

“Wounds” are a splitting apart as a doctor does for surgery, an exposure. You enter the ER and say, “Doctor, my chest and the right side of my body are killing me!” You don’t want him to simply be sweet. “That must be really hard for you.” You want him to be skillful, competent—able to diagnose and treat your ailment. So, too, with spiritual friendship. You want to be able to compassionately diagnose heart issues, pulling open the soul and peering deeply inside.

“Faithful” means to support, to bear, to be trustworthy. Alonzo, facing the diagnosis of inoperable cancer, wants to be able to say about you, “I trust you with my soul.” “Faithful” also means to be strong, stable. Alonzo wants to know that his words will not overwhelm you. Touch you deeply, yes. Overwhelm you, no. As his wounds are opened, he wants to know that they will not make you faint, that you will not think less of him.

“Friend” literally means “one who loves you, lover.” The Scriptures use the same word in 2 Chronicles 20:7, calling Abraham God’s “forever friend.” Think of God’s grace relationship with Abraham—encounter, intimacy, fellowship, accountability, fidelity, stability—and you will picture grace connecting.

Proverbs 20:30 speaks of deep commitment to maturity. “Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.” “Cleanse” means to rub, to polish, to grind and buff repeatedly. Picture waxing your car, cleaning your silver. That’s hard work requiring time, effort, and commitment. Alonzo wants to know that you will use all your resources to help him in his time of need. Connection means that you are committed to Alonzo’s growth even when it hurts him and you.

The Rest of the Story

Join us next time as we learn how to practice the art of grace connecting.

Join the Conversation

Who ministers to you through grace connecting?

Tags: Soul Care, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Friends

Competent to Counsel: Character Counts

If you want to help your struggling friend, what qualities do you need to develop in order to care like Christ? Yesterday we viewed the biblical answer to that question. “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Romans 15:14). In this verse and the surrounding context, we discover the “4C Résumé of a Spiritual Friend”:

• Character: “Full of Goodness”

• Content/Conviction: “Complete in Knowledge”

• Competence: “Competent to Instruct One Another”

• Community: “Brothers”

Loving Like Jesus: Reflecting Christ—“Full of Goodness”

Is Paul saying that Christians who are far from Christ and unable to relate their way out of a paper bag are powerful spiritual friends? Of course not. Powerful spiritual friends have résumés with “full of goodness” as the first qualification, the first piece of evidence, that Paul accentuates.

“Goodness” is the same word Paul uses in Galatians 5:22-23 as one of the nine aspects of the fruit of the Spirit. When I first read Romans 15:14, I wondered why Paul would pick the fruit of goodness. Why not love, joy, peace, or any other fruit of the Spirit?

So, I explored goodness. The Old Testament highlights the basic confession that God is good because his love endures forever (1 Chronicles 16:34). It also emphasizes that our good God does good (Exodus 18:9). That is, he displays his goodness in active social relationships.

Further, I noted Christ’s statement that only God is good (Matthew 19:17). Then I noticed the equation of goodness and godliness with god-like-ness—with Christlikeness (Matthew 5:43-48; Ephesians 2:10; Colossians 1:10). In each of these passages, goodness displays itself in active, grace-oriented relationships, as when our good Father causes his sun to shine upon and his rain to fall on the righteous and the unrighteous.

William Hendriksen, in his commentary on Galatians, explains that goodness is a virtue that reveals itself in social relationships, in our various contacts and connections with others. Theologian Walter Gundmann demonstrates that biblical goodness always reveals itself in relational contexts through undeserved kindness.

So, in Romans 15:14, Paul is talking about Christlike character that relates with grace. Paul’s teaching us that the powerful minister is the person who relates well, who connects deeply, who is compassionate, and who has the ability to develop intimate, grace relationships.

• The powerful spiritual friend reflects the ultimate Spiritual Friend, Jesus.

• We are powerful to the degree that we love like Jesus.

In discussing goodness, Paul uses the modifier “full.” It pictures a net that breaks due to the stress and tension of too much weight and a cup that is so full that its contents spill over. Paul pictures mature love and godly character flowing through Christ to us, then spilling over from us into our spiritual friend’s life.

To the degree that you and I relate more and more like Jesus Christ, to the degree that we love like Jesus loves, to the degree that our relationships are as lovely as Christ’s were, to that degree we will be powerful spiritual friends. The person who is good at relating, is the person whose words and actions have powerful impact.

Do you love your struggling friend or family member? Do you long to help them effectively and powerfully? Then start by developing Christlike character. That’s where you power is. Become more like Christ so you can care like Christ.

The Rest of the Story

Is Paul implying that the best spiritual friend is the “touchy-feely” person who never dedicates himself or herself to serious study of the Scripture? Not at all. Join us next time as we explore the second qualification to be competent to counsel: biblical content.

Join the Conversation

The powerful spiritual friend reflects the ultimate Spiritual Friend—Jesus. What are you doing to become more like Christ so that you can care like Christ?

Note: Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Competent to Counsel, Spiritual Friends

God’s Art Gallery of Spiritual Friendship

In the midst of spiritual crisis, we need spiritual connection—spiritual friendship. But just what does spiritual friendship look like? Would we know it if we saw it?

Allow me to guide you on a tour through God’s art gallery filled with walls lined with pictures of spiritual friendship. View pictures of spiritual friendship as:

Art Gallery Portrait One: Spiritual Friendship as Sacred Companionship

Spiritual friends are sacred companions. I’m convinced that one of the primary reasons that we fail to experience Christ’s power is because we fail to take our friendships seriously enough.

Our close friendships are sacred. They’re holy and sanctified, committed and consecrated, serious and mysterious, beautiful and blessed by God.

A sacred companion dares to enter the holy place of your soul—the messy rooms filled with fear, darkness, chaos, and confusion. She also thrills to enter the redeemed core of your soul—that central room touched by God, yet rarely tapped into or stirred up by the mere acquaintance. A sacred companion is someone who cares about you so much and knows you so well, that he helps you to taste God’s goodness and grace where others only see suffering and sin.

Even more, your sacred companions courageously encourage you to enter the Holy of Holies of your soul—to live face-to-face with God in intimate integrity. No wonder the author of Hebrews directly links bold entrance into God’s presence (Hebrews 10:19-23) with the bold encouragement shared between brothers and sisters in Christ (Hebrews 10:24-25).

Art Gallery Portrait Two: Spiritual Friendship as Voice and Touch

Spiritual friends connect voice and touch. In the prologue to Leadership Jazz, Max DePree writes about his granddaughter, Zoe:

Zoe was born prematurely and weighed one pound, seven ounces, so small that my wedding ring could slide up her arm to her shoulder. The neonatologist who first examined her told us that she had a 5 to 10 percent chance of living three days. When Esther and I saw Zoe in her isolette in the neonatal intensive care unit, she had two IVs in her navel, one in her foot, a monitor on each side of her chest, and a respirator tube and a feeding tube in her mouth. To complicate matters, Zoe’s biological father had jumped ship the month before Zoe was born. Realizing this, a wise and caring nurse named Ruth gave me my instructions. “For the next several months, at least, you’re the surrogate father. I want you to come to the hospital every day to visit Zoe, and when you come, I want you to rub her body and her legs and arms with the tip of your finger. While you’re caressing her, you should tell her over and over how much you love her, because she has to be able to connect your voice to your touch” (DePree, Leadership Jazz, p. 1).

DePree concludes with these insightful words. “God knew that we also needed both His voice and His touch. So He gave us His Word (His Son) and also His Body (the Church). God’s voice and touch say, ‘I love you’” (Depree, Leadership Jazz, p. 2).

God’s Word is his voice speaking to you. God’s people are his touch speaking his Word into your soul.

Art Gallery Portrait Three: Spiritual Friendship as Christ Incarnated in Christians

Spiritual friendship is Christ incarnated in Christians. Dave is one of my best friends from seminary days. One night when his daughter, Kristen, was about five or six, she awoke from a bad dream. Hearing her cries and whimperings, Dave got out of bed to comfort Kristen. He hugged her, and she was still. Then they prayed together. His prayer was meant to reassure her that Jesus was watching over her. But when Dave finished praying and was about to leave Kristen, her whimperings began again. Dave reminded her again, “You know that Jesus is watching over you.”

Kristen responded, “I know, but I need Jesus with some skin on him!”

That’s what God calls us to be for each other: Jesus with skin on him. Spiritual friends give each other small tastes, samples now, of how good and gracious Jesus is.

Spiritual friendship is a human relational bridge that reconnects our soul to God. We are more than professionals, or practitioners, or pastors; we are fellow pilgrims. We journey with one another through the valley of the shadow of death. Then we lay down our lives for each other, forming a bridge from the valley of death to the oasis of hope—the oasis of God’s goodness and grace.

Join the Conversation

Which portrait of spiritual friendship resonates with you?

Note: Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Tags: How to Care Like Christ, Spiritual Friends, Spiritual Friendships

Stories of Spiritual Friendship

A church member knocks on her pastor’s door early Monday morning. She’s in tears over her teenage son’s suicide attempt. Her pastor greets her with a loving, gentle welcome, ushers her into his office, and opens in prayer. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

A young man firmly grips the hand of his new friend, a graduate-counseling student serving as his mentor. By this point in their relationship they’re oblivious to the required videotaping, as they enter the “Counseling Center.” Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

A client arrives for his scheduled appointment with his professional Christian counselor. He’s hopeful that he’ll finally find help to break the hold that rage has on his heart and relationships. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

A young woman hugs her female lay encourager as they enter the “Encouragement Center” for their seventh meeting. They both experience a close connection and a calm confidence that Christ will continue his good work in and through them. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

Two friends sitting in the corner of an almost empty local diner sip coffee as they talk. For two years this has been their “sacred place” where they meet to bear one another’s burdens. Together they’re ready to engage in the art of arts: spiritual friendship.

The settings are almost limitless and the individuals so very diverse. Yet, the art is the same—the art of spiritual friendship. But what exactly is a spiritual friend? What does a spiritual friend “look like”? How do spiritual friends relate?

David’s Story of Spiritual Struggle

God calls shepherd-boy David to shepherd all Israel. Called, David serves. Serving, David suffers. When the chorus line of the day sings out, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands” (1 Samuel 18:7), Saul becomes enraged. The refrain galls him. From that time on, Saul keeps a jealous eye on David. An evil eye.

The more success David enjoys, the more fear Saul endures. When Saul realizes that the Lord is with David and that his daughter, Michal, loves David, Saul becomes still more afraid. He remains David’s enemy the rest of his days.

Plotting to kill David, Saul even enlists his son, Jonathan. Jonathan, very fond of David, spills the beans, not only warning David of impending danger, but also spying on his own father on David’s behalf.

Exasperated, Saul expels a torrent of rage toward the harp-playing David, attempting to pin him to the wall, through the heart, with his spear. David eludes him and makes good his escape.

The plot thickens. Saul assembles his death squad to hunt down and execute David. David hides out in the cave of Adullam, surrounded by a rag-tag bunch described by the biblical author as, “all those who were in distress or in debt or discontented” (1 Samuel 22:2). Sounds like an ancient version of The Bad News Bears.

Day after day, Saul pursues David, forcing him to move his band of brothers from place to place. Camping in the wilderness like vagabonds, David learns that once again Saul has come to take his life (1 Samuel 23:15).

What did David need at this point? What would spiritual friendship have looked like?

David’s Story of Spiritual Friendship

In David’s desperate setting, we learn the source of his strength. “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength (hazaq) in God” (1 Samuel 23:16).

Finding strength (hazaq) pictures binding together, girding, and uniting. The Old Testament uses it for strengthening, encouraging, instilling courage in another, and aiding. The core idea emphasizes strengthening another person’s grip by joining hands in support.

We’re made firmer and stronger when we bind ourselves together with one another. When we’re losing our grip, we need to be gripped by others. In spiritual struggle, we need spiritual friendship.

As illustrative as this is, we’ve pondered only a portion of David’s story of spiritual struggle and spiritual friendship. As David’s spiritual journey continues, Saul pursues. David evades. Saul is vulnerable. David spares Saul’s life, not once, but twice.

David battles victoriously for Yahweh. Returning from Yahweh-battle, David and his men experience Yahweh-mystery. The evil Amalekites have raided their camp at Ziklag where the wives and children of David and his men resided. Returning to Ziklag, “they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive” (1 Samuel 30:3). Grieving greatly, “David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep” (1 Samuel 30:4).

We would say that they’re “wiped.” Exhausted. Shattered. Overwhelmed.

David is no exception. “David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters” (1 Samuel 30:6a). If my wife and children had been taken hostage while I was away ministering for God, I would be distressed, too. If all those who worked for me were so bitter that they wanted to kill me, I would be distressed, too.

David’s narrative begs for the intervening voice of Paul Harvey saying, “And now, the rest of the story.” Here it is. “But David found strength (hazaq) in the LORD his God” (1 Samuel 30:6b).

Strength is the identical Hebrew word we examined in 1 Samuel 23:16—hazaq. David’s previous connection with Jonathan empowers him to experience communion with Yahweh. Having a spiritual friend in his life to strengthen him, equips and empowers David to connect with the Spiritual Friend.

Where did David’s help come from? Who do we need when we are suffering or sinning? What do we need along our spiritual journey when we face spiritual struggles? We need spiritual friends—Christians, and we need the Spiritual Friend—Christ.

Spiritual friends—the Christian community—point us to our ultimate Spiritual Friend—Christ. God has designed us to find communion and closeness with him—our true source of all help—through community and connection with one another. Spiritual friendship is our greatest hope for connecting to God’s help.

Join the Conversation

How does your human spiritual friend point you to your ultimate Spiritual Friend—Christ?

Note: Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Tags: Biblical Counseling, David, Jonathan, Pastoral Counseling, Spiritual Friends

The Forty-Day Journey of Promise

Day Six: Watered with Our Tears

Note: Welcome to The Journey, our forty-day blog series where we’re learning life lessons from the legacy of African American Christianity. The series is based upon material from my book Beyond the Suffering. To learn more about Beyond the Suffering, including downloading a free chapter, click here.

Slavery in the “Land of the Free”

They arrived on two ships, one year apart. The second ship, the Mayflower, landed in 1620 with 102 Pilgrims seeking religious liberty. The first ship, a Dutch man-of-war, came ashore in 1619 in Jamestown, Virginia, with twenty enslaved African men and women. Captain Jobe of the Dutch man-of-war bartered the seventeen men and three women for food to Sir John Rolfe’s Jamestown settlement. For the leaders of the Jamestown colony, Africans were mere commodities for European trade and servitude.

In the land of the free, American slavery had begun.

Solomon Northup’s Narrative

Solomon Northup lived free for thirty-three years in Rhode Island until he was kidnapped and enslaved for a dozen years in Louisiana. When he was first stolen, he spent two weeks in a slave pen where he met an enslaved woman named Eliza, her daughter Emmy, and her son Randall. His account of her separation from her children offers insight into the agony of deprivation, the need for hearing one another’s story, how not to empathize, and how to feel another’s pain.

Northup tells the story of Eliza’s life, as she related it to him, in great detail. After years of enslavement, she was promised her freedom and told that she was traveling to Washington, D.C. to receive her free papers. Instead, she was delivered to a trader named Burch.

“The hope of years was blasted in a moment. From the height of most exulting happiness to the utmost depths of wretchedness, she had that day descended. No wonder that she wept, and filled the pen with wailings and expressions of heart-rending woe.”

Spiritual Friendship 101

Of their enslavement together, Northup writes, “We were thus learning the history of each other’s wretchedness.”

They participated in Spiritual Friendship 101 by practicing the arts of story sharing and story learning.

Northup and Eliza were eventually conducted to a slave pen in New Orleans owned by a Mr. Theophilus Freeman. A planter from Baton Rouge purchased Randall. All the time the trade was occurring, Eliza was crying aloud, wringing her hands, and begging that Freeman not buy Randall unless he also bought herself and Emmy.

When he answered that he could not afford them all, Eliza burst into paroxysm of grief, weeping plaintively. The bargain agreed upon; Randall had to go alone.

“Then Eliza ran to him; embraced him passionately; kissed him again and again; told him to remember her—all the while her tears falling in the boy’s face like rain.”

In response,

“Freeman damned her, calling her a blubbering, bawling wench, and ordered her to go to her place, and behave herself, and be somebody. He swore he wouldn’t stand such stuff but a little longer. He would soon give her something to cry about, if she was not mighty careful, and that she might depend upon.”

His callousness models exactly what not to do when responding to another’s grief.

Northup, on the other hand, entered Eliza’s agony. “It was a mournful scene indeed. I would have cried myself if I had dared.”

Join the Conversation (Post a Comment for a Chance to Receive a Copy of Beyond the Suffering)

1. What negative impact occurs when people are treated insensitively with words like: “Quit your blubbering,” and “I’ll give you something to cry about!”

2. What positive impact occurs when we treat people sensitively, as Solomon Northrup did with Eliza by listening attentively to her earthly story of suffering and by mourning and weeping with her?

Tags: Beyond the Suffering, Black Church History, Solomon Northrup, Spiritual Friendship, The Journey

Top Ten Trends in Biblical Counseling from 2000-2009

Part 1: Trends 10-6

Do you remember where you were when “Y2K” did not hit? That was the beginning of the decade that people don’t know what to call. Is it the zeros?

People often like to label decades by “themes.” I’ve already heard some people call the past decade the “Selfish Decade.”

While there’s certainly plenty of negatives to toss about, I’d like to consider some positives. Remember, “Aslan is still on the move!”

Here are the first five of my top ten positive trends in biblical counseling over the past ten years (in reverse order, of course, to heighten anticipation!).

10. Synergy Is Energy

Instead of territory-protecting and camp-building, increasingly biblical counseling groups are choosing to work together and to learn from each other. For example, Jeremy Lelek and the Association of Biblical Counselors (ABC) are to be commended for hosting a symposium that brought together leaders from Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries (FBCM), the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF), the Biblical Counseling and Spiritual Formation Network (BCSFN), and the Society for Christian Psychology (SCP).

9. Positive Perspective

For too long, modern biblical counseling suffered under the stereotype of what it was against. Over the past decade a shift has taken place as we’ve focused more on what we’re for. For example, the BCSFN, which was launched this decade, included “being a positive voice for biblical counseling” in its vision statement. The SCP purposes to develop from the Scriptures and Church history a positive presentation of a psychology (understanding of the soul as designed by God) that is thoroughly Christian.

8. New Gen Leadership

We all ought to be grateful for the “founders” of the “modern” biblical counseling movement. I’m also grateful for a new generation of leaders in biblical counseling. Examples abound. I think of Pastor Rob Green at Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries and Faith Seminary, of Chris Boucher at Capital Bible Seminary, Brad Hambrick of Crossroads Counseling, and Garrett Higbee of Twelve Stones Ministries.

7. Local Church Equipping

There’s a growing movement to return biblical counseling and spiritual friendship to its rightful place—the local church. Pastors are being equipped to equip their people for one another ministry. Among many examples are the CCEF, the BCSFN, FBCM, the ABC, Rick Thomas of The Counseling Solutions Group, and my own RPM Ministries all have well-developed local church equipping models, conferences, seminars, and consulting ministries. And individual churches are increasingly becoming equipping centers, such as Faith Baptist under the leadership of Pastor Steve Viars, Harvest Bible Chapel under the leadership of Pastor James MacDonald and Dr. Garrett Higbee, and New Antioch Baptist Church’s “LEAD” ministry under the direction of Sister Ellen Barney (where she has trained over 500 women in spiritual friendship). These equipping ministries and churches understand that biblical counseling is a normal part of the one another ministry that God calls every believer to participate in.

6. Compassionate Care

There was a time when “modern biblical counseling” was stereotyped as “harsh confrontation.” Joyfully, that label is dissipating as biblical counselors embrace a biblical sufferology. Biblical counseling is addressing how to provide soul care through sustaining and healing for suffering. It is also addressing how to provide gentle, humble spiritual direction for sin and sanctification through reconciling and guiding. Paul Tautges’ Comfort Those Who Grieve is one excellent example of biblical counseling for suffering. Ian Jones’ Counsel of Heaven on Earth is a great example of compassionate care for both suffering and sin. My own work, Spiritual Friends equips readers with twenty-two biblical counseling relational competencies for helping those who are suffering and sinning to move toward growth in grace.

The Rest of the Story

Be sure to join us for Part II when I share top trends 5-1 related to biblical counseling from 2000-2009.

Join the Conversation

What top trends would you add to this list?

What individuals, groups, churches, and books would you add to trends 10-6?

Tags: Biblical Counseling, Christian Counseling, Spiritual Formation, Top Ten, Trends

The Anatomy of Anxiety

Part 25: A Safe Place to Hit Rock Bottom

Note: For previous posts in this blog mini-series, visit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and 24.

Big Idea: Does worry, doubt, or fear get the best of you sometimes? Do you wonder where anxiety comes from and how to defeat it in your life and the lives of those you love? Then we need a biblical anatomy of anxiety. We need God’s prescription for victory over anxiety.

The Safest Place on Earth?

When we struggle with issues like anxiety and depression, unfortunately, the church is often one of the least safe places on the planet. Is the church a safe place to hit rock bottom, or is it the place we get stoned by rocks?

When someone comes to us anxious or depressed, do we respond more like the loving, accepting Father or the judgmental older brother (see Luke 15:11-32)? Are we the good Samaritan, crossing over to get bloody, or are we the self-righteous Pharisee staying as far away as possible from life’s messes (see Luke 10:25-37). Are we asking, “Who sinned?” or are we praying, “How can we help bring healing?” (see John 9:1-12).

Spiritual Conversations

There are many ways to help bring healing. One way is to learn the art of “spiritual conversations.” In my book Spiritual Friends, I call these “trialogues.” In a monologue, I talk at you. In a dialogue, we talk to each other. In a trialogue, together we invite a Third Party to join our conversation—Jesus. Every interaction between Christian friends should include at least three people: you, your friend, and the ultimate Spiritual Friend—Christ—who we invite in through His Word and His Spirit.

Sustaining Spiritual Conversations: Romans 12:15

Sustaining spiritual conversations seek to empathize with another person’s hurts and struggles. They seek to communicate, “It’s normal to hurt.” And, “It’s frightening to experience anxiety.” They “climb in the casket” of anxiety, for instance, that feels like death warmed over. They weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). They face the fact that we live in a fallen world and it often falls on us.

Ponder just a few sample sustaining spiritual conversations. The idea is not to repeat these in a rote, wooden way. In fact, don’t repeat them at all. Use these samplers to create from your own caring heart person-specific interactions that communicate that you care and accept your friend exactly where she/he is.

*“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see and feel your stress and fear.”

*“What do you fear the most in this situation? What’s the worst case scenario? What if that happened?”

*“When are your worries the most overwhelming? When are they the least taxing?”

*“What are these feelings of anxiety like for you? Please help me to understand, the best anyone could, what you’re feeling right now.”

*“Specifically, what are the situations and circumstances that you’re worried and anxious about?”

*“When else have you experienced feelings similar to this? How did you respond? What did you learn about God and yourself in that situation? What would you repeat and what would you change?”

*“If you knew that God would say ‘Yes,’ to your prayer about this situation, what would you be praying?”

*“What has been robbed from your life due to these fears and stresses?”

*“What do you wish were happening instead of what you’re experiencing now?”

*“Have you been able to share your heart with God? What have you said? What are you sensing from God?”

*“What might God be up to in all of this?”

*“How is your battle with anxiety influencing your relationship to Christ?”

*“What do you think the Bible says about anxiety, worry, and fear?”

*“What Scriptures could we look at that illustrate how God’s people have talked to God when they felt fear, worry, and anxiety?”

*“If you were to write your own Psalm 27, 31, 46, 55, 91, 92, 109, or 116, related to your fears, how would it sound? What would you write?

*“What Scriptures might you turn to in order to discover God’s perspective on this?”

*“What passages have you found helpful in gaining a new perspective on this? To find strength and courage and peace as you go through this?”

*“How does your faith in Christ fit into your feelings and thoughts?”

*“How could your image of Christ impact your current feelings and prompt peace?”

Keeping It Real

1. Are you a safe person? Do people feel safe hitting rock bottom with you?

2. Who has been a safe spiritual friend for you? Who enters into spiritual conversations with you that communicated, “It’s normal to hurt.”

3. Of the sample sustaining spiritual conversations, which ones would you want spoken to you? What additional samples would you add when speaking to a friend struggling against anxiety?

The Rest of the Story

In our next post we move from the casket to the empty tomb. We explore together healing spiritual conversations that communicate, “It’s possible to hope.” And, “It’s possible to experience peace even when you feel worried.”

Join the Conversation

How can we make our churches safe places to hit rock bottom?

Spiritual Friends

Tags: Anxiety, Church, Peace, Spiritual Conversations, Spiritual Friends, Spiritual Friendships, Sustaining

The Anatomy of Anxiety

Part 24: SOUL-u-tion-Focused Ministry

Note: For previous posts in this blog mini-series, visit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, and 23.

Big Idea: Does worry, doubt, or fear get the best of you sometimes? Do you wonder where anxiety comes from and how to defeat it in your life and the lives of those you love? Then we need a biblical anatomy of anxiety. We need God’s prescription for victory over anxiety.

SOUL-u-tion Focused Biblical Counseling

The Apostle Paul’s solution to anxiety is not simply to exhort, “Stop being anxious!”

In fact, Paul is not solution-focused. He’s SOUL-u-tion focused!

True biblical counseling is soul-to-soul counseling. True victory over anxiety, worry, fear, stress, panic, and phobia only occurs in the context of relationship.

We discover this biblical reality in the larger context of Philippians 4:6-7.

Relational Healing for Victory Over Anxiety

Biblical counseling sometimes is accused of the stereotype of, “Take two verses and call me in the morning.” Someone struggles with anxiety and they’re prescribed Philippians 4:6-7.

Scripture is totally sufficient. It is not a lucky charm.

Scripture is totally relevant. It is not applied out of context—neither out of the person’s life context, nor out of the scriptural context.

We’ve been applying the sufficiency and relevancy of Philippians 4:6-7 for conquering anxiety when anxiety attacks. But certainly not in a “take two verses” mentality.

So let’s travel back a bit in the scriptural context of Philippians and let’s notice some relational prescriptions for healing anxiety.

*Therefore my brothers (4:1)

*You whom I love and long for (4:1)

*Stand firm in the Lord, dear friends (4:1)

*I plead with Euodia and Syntyche to agree with each other (4:2)

*Loyal friends, help these women who have contended at my side (4:3)

*Along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers (4:3)

It Takes a Community

Paul lives and ministers soul-to-soul with brothers whom he loves and longs for. Is that how we minister, or do we minister arms-length, giving one another spiritual stiff-arms?

Paul’s biblical counsel for victory over anxiety involves standing firm in community. With brothers and sisters in Christ. With dear spiritual friends.

“Loyal friends” (or “yokefellows”) is used only this one time in the Bible. It means being united by a relational bond as close as family. It pictures comrades, partners, loyal spiritual friends. A band of brothers. Sisters in the Spirit.

“Fellow workers” is sun athleo: athletes together! Teammates.

It’s not, “Take two verses and call me in the morning.”

It’s, “Travel with a few safe spiritual friends morning, noon, and night.”

It’s, “Cultivate a band of brothers, a sorority of sisters, a team of spiritual athletes, a family of spiritual friends.”

Victory over anxiety comes in community.

Making It Real

1. How do you minister? Arms-length? Spiritual stiff-arms? Solution-focused? Or soul-to-soul? Loving and longing? SOUL-u-tion-focused?

2. Who are you spiritual athletes together with? Who are your spiritual teammates?

3. Who are you loyal, trustworthy friends with? Do you have a band of spiritual brothers? A sorority of spiritual sisters?

The Rest of the Story

What sort of spiritual conversations can spiritual brothers and sisters engage in to experience joint victory over anxiety? We’ll find out next time.

Join the Journey

How can biblical ministry move from solution-focused to SOUL-u-tion-focused?

Tags: Anxiety, Peace, Solution-focused, Soul Care, Spiritual Friendship