Healing for the Holidays: Part 8—Pregnant with Hope

Note: This is the eighth in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise, Part 2: Give Sorrow Words, Part 3: Holiday Healing Q/A, Part 4: A Lament for Your Loss, Part 5: Tidings of Comfort and Joy, Part 6: All I Want for Christmas Is Hope, and Part 7: God’s Rope of Hope. 

What About the Three Easy Steps? 

I counsel often with grieving people. I read a lot about grief. Articles that offer a few quick quips, three steps, or secrets to survival rarely provide lasting help for profoundly hurting people. Healing for the holidays requires God’s curing truth for our troubled souls. True grief recovery demands Truth from the Author of life. Nothing is more relevant because only the Creator and Lover of the soul knows what cures the soul.

Nowhere is this truer than with holiday healing. God’s Word shows us how to stay alive to life even when it tries to crush us to death. Through the Bible, God speaks to our wounded souls with words of life. As the great Soul Physician, Christ treats our labor pains by encouraging us to remain pregnant with hope. He teaches us to:

Long fervently for heaven and live passionately for God and others while still on earth.

Loving Hope, Hope That Loves 

Paul personifies hope that loves in Philippians 1:23-25.

“I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith.”

Paul neither deadens his longing for heaven nor minimizes his calling on earth. Paul grieves the “not yet.” He hungers and thirsts; he longs and wants what is promised, but what he does not possess. As he writes, he’s jailed. Separated from all who love him. If anyone has an excuse to give up hope and to give up loving, it is the Apostle Paul.

But he chooses to remain pregnant with hope, to participate in loving hope, in hope that loves. He says, “I want to go home. This world is messed up. I ache for heaven, for Paradise. But I’m pulling weeds until the day I die! My grief is not excuse to ignore your growth. I’m living for your joy and spiritual progress.”

My Problem with Typical Grief “Remedies”

That’s other-centered grieving and groaning. And that’s why I have a boatload of problems with typical grief remedies, especially related to the holidays. In a desire to express empathy, writers on grief seem to start and stop with what we might call “self-care.” “Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself.”

In perspective, there’s biblical wisdom in such cautions. I’ve tried to convey the same empathy throughout this series. But there are two pointed reasons not to stop with or focus on self.

1. The Bible teaches us to focus on others. 

Enough said.

While the Bible never minimizes our hurt, it always maximizes hopeful loving. While Christ identifies with, feels, and even experiences our suffering, loss, and grief, He always encourages and empowers us to take the comfort we receive from Him and comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3-6).

Do you long for profound healing for the holidays? Offer Christ’s healing hope to others.

2. Life teaches us to focus on others. 

Research study after research study comes to the same conclusion. Healing comes when we start focusing on others.

History teaches us the same lesson. In my book Beyond the Suffering (http://www.rpmministries.org/writing/beyond-the-suffering/), I trace the amazing and inspiring legacy of the heroes of the Black Church. Despite horrific suffering and agonizing grief, men and women of the Black Church not only endured the suffering of enslavement, they moved beyond the suffering. How? By hoping in God and by loving one another—hope that loves.

Thriving—In God’s Love 

Where does hope that love come from? It comes from the God of love. In Romans 8:28-39, Paul insists that even in the midst of trouble, hardship, persecution, and suffering, nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. Paul teaches that in all our suffering we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us so.

“More than conquerors” comes from the Greek word nikao from which we gain our word “Nike”—victors, winners, Olympic champions. Being pregnant with hope empowers us to long ardently for heaven and to live victoriously on earth. Loving hope, hope that loves, moves us from victims to victors in Christ.

On the Road to Hope 

You’ve just encountered another choice point on the road to hope. At this fork in the road, you can turn one direction and choose the journey of living for self. Taking that route, your pain never goes away; it’s just buried beneath any number of self-centered diversions.

Or, you can choose the route of being pregnant with hope. You’ll feel the pain—the deep pain of grief, of being out of the nest, of living east of Eden, of longing fervently for heaven but living in our fallen world. However, you’ll experience the profound joy that accompanies living passionately for God and others. God’s Spirit will empower your spirit so that you can be more than a conqueror—now!

The Rest of the Story 

Where do we find the faith to pursue love that hopes? We find it when we weave God’s eternal story into our earthly story of suffering. Join me in our next post for God’s wisdom from before the dawn of time.

Pausing to Reflect 

Do you believe that in Christ you are more than a conqueror—able to offer others hopeful love even in the midst of your painful grief?

Help for Your Healing Journey 

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

Healing for the Holidays: Part 7—Clinging to God’s Rope of Hope

Note: This is the seventh in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise, Part 2: Give Sorrow Words, Part 3: Holiday Healing Q/A, Part 4: A Lament for Your Loss, Part 5: Tidings of Comfort and Joy, and Part 6: All I Want for Christmas Is Hope. 

The Day of Waiting

One of the hardest parts of healing for the holidays is the waiting. Everyone else is waiting with joyful anticipation—for the family reunion, the big dinner, opening of presents. And we’re just waiting for it all to be over. So we can get back to “normal” whatever that is since our loss. That’s normal and natural—we want to survive the holidays.

What’s supernatural? What type of spiritual waiting could lead eventually to thriving even during the holidays? To healing?

Tony Compolo preaches a message where he repeatedly says, “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s comin’.” He’s focusing his audience on Friday-truth: the crucifixion of Christ, and on Sunday-truth: the coming resurrection of Christ. I would change the metaphor a tad because we aren’t living on Friday, we’re living on Saturday. Symbolically, life lived on fallen planet Earth is Saturday living—the day between the crucifixion and the resurrection. The day of waiting. The day that tests our trust.

You’ll never see waiting as one of the grief stages in any research study because it is not natural in a fallen world. It is supernatural. Hope waits. Hope is the refusal to demand heaven now. Waiting is trusting God’s future provision without working to provide for myself. Waiting is refusing to take over while refusing to give up. Waiting refuses self-rescue.

In the context of grief, waiting says, “I want to feel better. I wish things were the way they once were. But I trust God’s good heart. I know one day He will wipe away all tears. I know today He has good plans for my life ahead.”

Remembering the Future 

Waiting is rooted in the Old Testament. The Prophets promised Israel that a better day was coming, later. The New Testament writers develop the waiting theme when they urge us toward patience, perseverance, longsuffering, and remaining under suffering without giving in to despair (Romans 5; James 1; 1 Peter 1-2; and Hebrews 11). The Bible teaches us that in waiting we cling to God’s rope of hope, even when we can’t see it.

Moses teaches that we cling to God’s rope of hope by remembering the future.

“By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward” (Hebrews 11:24-26).

No quick fix for Moses. No “Turkish Delight” from the White Witch of Narnia. No pleasures of sin for a season. Why? How could he wait? He chose eternal pleasure over temporal happiness. He remembered the future.

Faith looks back to the past recalling God’s mighty works saying, “He did it that time; He can do it now.” Hope looks ahead remembering God’s coming reward saying, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed” (Romans 8:18-19).

Your Waiting Journey and Journal 

1. Faith—Remember the Past: Think back to a time when God brought hope, joy, newness, and resurrection into your life after a loss.

• What did God use to bring about your spiritual victory?

• How did you wait on God by clinging to His rope of hope even when you couldn’t see it?

• How did you begin to see God differently? How did you begin to experience more of His goodness? How were you able to love Him more deeply?

• As you found His strength in your weakness, what was God able to do through you?

2. Love—Face the Present: God’s timing and ours are often light years apart.

• What are you experiencing as you wait on God?

• What would it look like for you to rest in God right now?

• Explore passages like Romans 5; James 1; 1 Peter 1, and Hebrews 11 that teach how to wait on God in the midst of suffering. Paraphrase their message for your life today.

• Find a trusted, safe friend and take the step of sharing with him or her about your hopes and dreams.

3. Hope—Remember the Future: Hope waits.

• What are you waiting on God for? How are you trusting God’s future provision?

• Paul considered that his present sufferings were not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18-19). What future glory are you focusing on?

• Read Revelation 7. How do these pictures of your future hope give you hope today?

The Rest of the Story 

Healing hope does not mean we pretend everything is fine. Instead, in our next post we’ll learn that thriving at the holidays means being pregnant with hope. Think about that—the pain of the pregnancy is there, but so is the joyful anticipation of the birth of new life.

Pausing to Reflect 

What does it look like for you to cling to God’s rope of hope even when you can’t see it?

Help for Your Healing Journey 

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

Healing for the Holidays: Part 6—All I Want for Christmas Is Hope

Note: This is the sixth in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise, Part 2: Give Sorrow Words, Part 3: Holiday Healing Q/A, Part 4: A Lament for Your Loss, and Part 5: Tidings of Comfort and Joy. 

Paul Tells It Like It Is

For Christians, surviving the holidays is an admirable first goal, especially when memories of loss and separation flood the mind. However, our ultimate goal is not just surviving, but thriving. That’s where healing hope enters the picture.

The Apostle Paul models the healing process in 2 Corinthians 1:8-11.

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

Paul begins by modeling what we discussed in Parts 1-4 of our blog mini-series. He’s candid and honest with himself, God, and others about his suffering. He talks fearlessly about his external suffering—the things that have happened to him, his losses and crosses. He also shares courageously about his internal suffering—his agony of soul.

But Paul doesn’t stop there. Despairing of life and feeling the sentence of death, Paul clings tenaciously to the Author of life.

I’d like to ask you to stop reading. Reread 2 Corinthians 1:8-11.

• Reflect on Paul’s grief and on his hope.

• Reflect on your grief.

• Pray for your healing. Ask for hope. Ask God for the faith to believe that a new beginning is possible—it’s possible to hope, to thrive.

Grieving and Growing 

Grieving can produce growth. Spiritual emergencies can produce spiritual emergence. It’s supernatural to grow.

Grief admits, “Life is bad.” Healing says, “God is good—He’s good all the time.” In grief, we candidly enter the smaller earthly, temporal story of hurt. In healing, we enter the larger, heavenly, eternal story of hope.

In grieving, we’re in a casket—the tomb of grief and loss. In healing, God rolls the stone away. We celebrate the resurrection. We trust in our God who raises the dead.

So Heavenly Minded/Great Practical Earthly Good 

“Nice,” you think. “Just another batch of platitudes: pie-in-the-sky, sweet-by-and-by, too-heavenly-minded-to-be-of-any-earthly-good!”

Not at all. In fact, biblical hope is so heavenly minded that it is of great practical earthly good.

Think about the fifth and final phase in the world’s grieving process: acceptance. The goal is to face calmly the finality of loss. If it is one’s own impending death, then it’s a time of quiet resignation. If it is the loss of a loved one, or a relationship, or a job, then it’s a time of regrouping. “Life has to go on, somehow. How? What’s next?”

In Christ, loss is never final. Christ’s resurrection is the first-fruit of every resurrection.

“Acceptance” and “resignation” are too earthly minded to be of any earthly or heavenly good! Acceptance can’t halt retreat because it has no hope for advancement, no foundation for growth.

I refuse to accept the hopeless remedy of acceptance. I also refuse to accept simplistic platitudes. I choose to embrace Christ’s healing hope. I choose to embrace the biblical truth that “it’s possible to hope and supernatural to grow.”

How about you?

Are you clinging tenaciously to the Author of life?

The Rest of the Story

Healing celebrates the resurrection by waiting on God (trusting God with faith), wailing to God (groaning to God with hope), weaving in God’s story (perceiving suffering with grace), and worshipping God (engaging God and others with love, even during suffering). In our final installments in our mini-series, we’ll learn how.

Pausing to Reflect 

Do you have the faith to believe that it’s possible for you to hope—that not only can you survive the holidays, you can thrive during the holidays—because of Christ?

Help for Your Healing Journey 

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting. 

Healing for the Holidays: Part 5—Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Note: This is the fifth in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise, Part 2: Give Sorrow Words, Part 3: Holiday Healing Q/A, and Part 4: A Lament for Your Loss.

Comfort and Joy

When we lament to God and cry out to Him when we’re experiencing holiday loss, what does God promise? Does He promise to remove all grief? No, for this side of heaven that would require removing all memory of our loved one—something none of us would want. Does he promise to change or “fix” everything? No, that’s not what God promises either.

When we cry out to God, here’s His promise: He comes. He comes in His comforting presence.

In God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I defined comfort as:

Comfort experiences the presence of God in the presence of suffering—a presence that empowers me to survive scars and plants the seed of hope that I will yet thrive.

My Personal Comfort Journey 

My Father passed away on my 21st birthday. It was a year later, on my 22nd birthday, that I began to experience God’s comforting presence.

For me, comfort reflected itself in my decision not to give up on God and not to give up on ministry. I was in seminary, preparing for ministry, and secretly doubting God—doubting His goodness, His trustworthiness, His ability, or at least His desire, to protect me and care for me. As comfort came, I came face-to-face with God. We had some wild talks. We had some fierce wrestling matches.

God won. I surrendered. I was still confused about the details of life, but committed to the Author of Life. More than that, I surrendered to Him and was dependent upon Him. My attitude was like Peter’s when Jesus asked His disciples, “Will you, too, leave me?” Remember Peter’s reply? “To whom else could we go? You alone have the Words of life.”

I was surviving again, surviving though scarred. I was not and never again would be that same naïve young Christian who assumed that if I prayed and worked hard enough, God would grant me my every expectation. My faith was not a naïve faith, it was now a deeper faith—a faith that could walk in the dark.

Asaph’s Personal Comfort Journey 

According to Psalm 73:21-28, suffering is an opportunity for God to divulge more of Himself and to release more of His strength. When Asaph’s heart was grieved, and his spirit embittered, God brought him to his senses. Listen to his prayer. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26).

In grieving we say with Asaph, “My flesh may be scarred, my heart may be scared, but with God I can survive—forever.”

Thus faith perceives that God feels our pain, joins us in our pain, and even shares our pain. In fact, faith believes that, “in all their distress he too was distressed” (Isaiah 63:9). His sharing of our sorrow makes our sorrow endurable.

Faith does not demand the removal of suffering; faith desires endurance in suffering, temptation, and persecution (1 Corinthians 10:13). Faith understands that what can’t be cured, can be endured. Faith delights in weakness, because when we are weak, then God is strong, and we are strong in Him (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Grieving is a normal response to loss. However, God does not abandon us in our dark, dank casket. God, who is Light, shines His light of comfort into our hurting hearts.

God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen 

The traditional Christmas carol, God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen beautifully communicates the comfort we find in God’s presence. The carol is about the incarnation of Christ—Christ’s being born in the flesh so that He could be present with, dwell with us.

Like all true and faithful Christmas carols, God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen tells a story in stanzas—a story that progresses from Christ’s birth to His death and resurrection on our behalf. The final stanza captures our Christmas comfort, our holiday hope.

Now to the Lord sing praises,

All you within this place,

And with true love and brotherhood

Each other now embrace;

This holy tide of Christmas

All other doth deface.

O tidings of comfort and joy,

comfort and joy,

O tidings of comfort and joy.

Our “tiding” at Christmas is “Merry Christmas!”

The holy “tiding” of Christmas is “Comfort and joy!”

At Christmas, you may not feel “merry.” But in and with Christ, you can experience comfort (God’s comforting presence). And you can experience joy. Joy is not happiness or merriment. Joy is a settled, quiet peace and confidence that God is good even when life is bad and sad.

My tiding for you this holiday season is more than “Blessed Thanksgiving,” or “Merry Christmas,” or “Happy New Years.” My tiding to you through Christ is, “Comfort and joy.”

The Rest of the Story 

Surviving the holidays is, for many, a pretty major goal. But…is it possible that even more could occur? Could we move from surviving to thriving? We’ll discuss that journey beginning in our next post.

Pausing to Reflect 

How could you experience God’s presence in order to experience His comfort and joy this holiday season?

Help for Your Healing Journey 

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

Healing for the Holidays: Part 3—Q/A About Holiday Honesty

Note: This is the third in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise and Part 2: Give Sorrow Words. 

Today, I want to give voice to four possible “push-backs” on Part 2: Give Sorrow Words. Consider these as Q/A about just how honest should we be around the holidays.

Push-Back # 1: “But Doesn’t Everyone Handle Grief Differently?”

Absolutely. Everyone handles grief differently. There’s no one typical response to grief, and there’s no one universally “correct” path toward healing for the holidays. Healing is a journey—a personal journey with God and we all take unique twists and turns on our journey.

Your timing will be different from mine. Your way will be different from your relatives. We can’t force anyone else, or even ourselves, onto a certain timetable or a one-size-fits-all plan.

That said, good research and caring engagement with people consistently shows that “denial” is a very common initial response to grief. And initially, it can even be a grace of God that allows our minds and bodies to slow down long enough to survive the horrors of our loss.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Faith Faces All of Life Honestly

Good biblical study reveals a clear pattern—faith faces all of life honestly. That’s what candor is—a faithful facing of life courageously and honestly. On your journey of healing for the holidays, at least be aware that being honest with yourself (candor) is one signpost on your journey that you’ll want to zig and zag toward.

Push-Back #2: “But Not Everyone Is a Talker!”

It’s absolutely true that God uniquely designed everyone one of us—we are each fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Our different personalities, different backgrounds, different upbringings, different settings, different choices, and different loses all combine to make us unique.

So no one should ever feel, “I need to talk about this X amount.” Or, “I need to talk about this like Suzy does.” Nope.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Everyone Needs Relationship

Good biblical study reveals that God designed us to relate to Himself, to others, and to ourselves. We need relationship. In a sense, you could picture denial as a refusal to relate honestly to your own self.

Notice something about the passage we probed yesterday (Psalm 42:3-5). David starts by talking to himself! “Why are you downcast, O my soul?”

Candor doesn’t mean you have to blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets to every stranger who walks down the street. It does mean that you would be wise to start by talking to yourself.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Then put words to your feeling. That’s candor.

Like David, many people (not all) find that capturing their thoughts on paper can be very helpful. We might call it “journaling.” I like to call it “psalming.” Write your own psalm of candor about your holiday hurt.

Of course, in your uniqueness, maybe you’re not a writer. So what song conveys the feelings of your heart? Or what picture, image, or artwork conveys the ache in your soul? What movie scene captures your pain?

Push-Back # 3: “But People Are Clueless How to Relate to Me!” 

Yep. Many times this is so true. And it’s one of the reasons we’re hesitant to be candid with others about our hurting during the holidays. Many people don’t know what to do after the hug.

And, there’s the biblical principle of not casting your pearls before swine. So, some people are so obtuse, so lacking in empathy, that it just may be unwise to share much, if anything, with them.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Find at Least One Faithful Friend

Good biblical study reveals that God designed the Body of Christ to comfort one another (2 Corinthians 1:3-9). Pray that God will give you at least one faithful friend who knows what to do after the hug. In your timing, slowly open up to your spiritual friend about your emotional pain. Others find that a recovery or support group of people with a similar loss is an excellent place to start the candor journey.

Push-Back # 4: “But I Don’t Want to Be a Downer Who Ruins the Holidays for Others.”

That can be a very other-centered thought. It also could be a cop-out, but let’s assume it is rightly motivated.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Christ-like Relating to Others

First, it’s a God-thing that you can be so thoughtful about others in the midst of your holiday hurt. That’s amazing!

Second, we’ve already said that candor is more about talking to yourself and at least one other godly, caring person. So candor doesn’t require you to interrupt the Thanksgiving meal to share your deepest hurt.

Third, in the long run, your candor now will bring healing hope for future holidays. Remember, No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The Rest of the Story

Healing for the holidays starts with candid honesty with ourselves, but it doesn’t stop there. I noted that God created us to relate to ourselves, to others, and to Him. Holiday healing also requires honesty with God—what the Bible calls lament—the focus of our next post.

Pausing to Reflect

Which of the push-backs were running through your mind? How can you apply the push-back to the push-back?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

A Social Media Christmas Story 

A creative group from Excentric has produced a modern day Christmas story. Here is how they described it: 

How social media, web and mobile tell the story of the Nativity. Christmas story told through Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Google, Wikipedia, Google Maps, GMail, Foursquare, Amazon… 

Enjoy!