Vote for the Christian Book of the Year

I’m honored that my book, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, is one of the finalists for the Christian Small Publisher Association Book of the Year Award. 

You can cast your vote for God’s Healing for Life’s Losses at http://bit.ly/zQ3sLL 

Once on that site, scroll down to Non-Fiction Christian Living.

Please share the link with others: http://bit.ly/zQ3sLL 

Thank you.

Official Announcement

Here’s the CSPA’s announcement, released today:

All Christian book readers are invited to vote for the 2012 Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year Award. Although small publishers are often less well known than larger publishing houses, they produce fresh and innovative books to inspire readers or fill niche needs. The Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year award honors books produced by small publishers for outstanding contribution to Christian life.

The winners of the 2012 Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year Award will be announced on April 16, 2012. The Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year Award is sponsored by Christian Small Publishers Association (CSPA).

Learn More 

You can learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses and read a sample chapter at the RPM Ministries God’s Healing Page. 

Join the Conversation 

If you’ve read God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, how has God used it in your life and ministry?

RPM Ministries: Equipping You to Change Lives with Christ’s Changeless Truth

Healing for the Holidays: Part 2—Give Sorrow Words

Note: This is the second in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise. 

C. S. Lewis famously wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

Loss always hurts, and holidays are like a megaphone magnifying that pain. Or, for our generation, like the volume control on your IPod—holidays can intensify and heighten the pain.

In Part One, we saw Jesus and Paul giving us permission to grieve. Now we ask, “But what do I do with my hurt during the holidays?” Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words.” God’s Word models that principle—we need to move from denial to candid honesty about the hurt that holiday memories can bring.

“Don’t Talk about Him!” 

I faced my first experience of the death of a loved one when I was ten. My grandfather died unexpectedly one cold, snowy day in early December. Two weeks later the extended family gathered at my Grandmother’s home for the holidays. Even as a ten-year-old, it struck me as odd that no one dared to mention “Moshe” (Romanian for Grandfather). The unspoken admonition was, “Don’t talk about him!”

For many reasons—spiritual, personal, and emotional—my family was uncomfortable and unprepared to talk about Moshe. Somehow the thought seemed to be, “If we don’t mention his name, then we won’t feel the pain.”

The Problem with Denial 

The barren Shunammite woman of 2 Kings 4 pictures for us the problem with denial. After years of barrenness, she bears a son who fulfills a lifetime of hopes and dreams. Tragically, he dies. Life has sent her two caskets: the first one— her inability to conceive, the second one—the death of the child she finally bore.

Rather than facing her loss, she keeps repeating, “It’s all right.” Her heart is sick, her soul is vexed, yet she keeps insisting, “It’s all right. I’m all right.”

Have you “been there, done that”? I have. Faking it. Pretending. But we can’t play make-believe forever.

Eventually it all spills out like it did for the Shunammite woman. She finally screams at Elisha, “Did I not say to you, ‘Don’t deceive me! Don’t get my hopes up.’” Denial refuses to hope ever again, to dream ever again.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Hope hoped for, received, then lost again, makes the heart deathly ill. Fragile. Needy. We hate being there, so we block it out. We deaden ourselves by refusing to hope, long, wail, or groan because groaning exposes us as the needy people that we are.

The problem is, God made us longing, thirsting, hungering, desiring beings. So we follow a trillion different strategies for deadening our desires and shutting out the wail of our soul. But none of them work.

Denial is like trying to forcefully keep an inflated beach ball submerged on the ocean floor. We can’t. Like with the Shunammite mother, inevitably the pain forces its way to the surface—only made worse by our refusal to face it.

Playing the denial game at the holidays is particularly difficult. A million different reminders flood our memories. The traditions we shared. The family pictures. The empty chair. If we’re not careful we expend all our energy trying to keep that beach ball forced down, and we have little left for the loved ones who are with us now.

The Benefit of Candor 

Candid honesty courageously faces the pain of loss. As David does in Psalm 42:3-5, triggered by his memories of days gone by.

“My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?”

The Apostle Paul does not tell us not to grieve; he tells us not to grieve without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). He chooses a Greek word meaning to feel sorrow, distress, and grief, and to experience pain, heaviness, and inner affliction.

Paul is teaching that grief is the grace of recovery because mourning slows us down to face life. No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The only person who can truly dare to grieve, bear to grieve, is the person with a future hope that things will eventually be better. When we trust God’s good heart, then we trust Him no matter what. We need not pretend. We can face and embrace the mysteries of life.

A good friend of mine provides a beautiful and powerful portrait of candid grieving with tenacious hope.

“Bittersweet is the word I use so often. My husband’s empty place and missing smile are truly hard to bear. Tears come so frequently and people don’t always understand how much it still hurts. My dad died in 1998 and all my and my husband’s grandfathers have passed on also. I don’t think I have really cried over them in years, just wistful memories and sadness. But the last few days I have totally broken down missing them! Grief is such a strange companion! But the sweetness is knowing they are all Home together with our Savior and I DO have the BLESSED HOPE of seeing them again and sharing all good times that have happened since they have left us!”

The Rest of the Story 

Some people may rightly counter, “But I’m not a talker.” Or, “But isn’t everyone different in how they respond to grief?” Great thoughts. So some practical suggestions for “candor” will be the focus of our next post. Just how honest should we be at the holidays?

Pausing to Reflect 

What words would you give your sorrow over your hurt during the holidays?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses Seminar

When you, your family members, or friends are grieving over one of life’s many losses, where can you turn for help?

Saturday, November 5, 2011, Dr. Bob Kellemen will be presenting a God’s Healing for Life’s Losses seminar at New Hope Community Church, 5100 Bethesda Ct, Williamsburg, MI 49690 (219-938-8056).

Learn How To:

• Apply to your life a biblical approach to facing life’s losses with courageous honesty.

• Apply to your life a biblical approach to finding healing hope by finding God.

• Apply proven biblical principles to help hurting people to move through the biblical process of hurting and grieving: candor, complaint, cry, and comfort.

• Apply proven biblical principles to help hurting people to move through the biblical process of hope and growth: waiting, wailing, weaving, and worshipping.

• Build healing communities where Christians find courage and comfort in God and each other.

Attend the God’s Healing for Life’s Losses Seminar To:

• Experience personal healing and biblical hope.

• Encounter God in the midst of your suffering.

• Empathize with hurting people more compassionately.

• Encourage suffering people more competently.

• Empower your congregation to become a “hospital for the hurting.”

Sponsored By:

• WLJN Christian Radio, The Northwest Michigan Jesus Ministries, and New Hope Community Church

• Tickets are available at WLJN, 1101 Cass St, Traverse City MI 49685, 231-946-1400.

• Or call New Hope Community Church at: 219-938-8056.

Seminar Registration:

• Cost: $15.00 per person.

• Cost Includes: The seminar, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses book, seminar workbook, continental breakfast, and light lunch.

• Payment Methods: Check or cash.

• Day of the Seminar: The cost will be $20.00 per person.

Seminar Schedule:

• 8:30-9:00: Registration and Continental Breakfast

• 9:00-10:00: Session One: Launching the Journey of Grief: Honesty with Yourself and with God—Candor and Complaint

• 10:00-10:15: Break

• 10:15-11:15: Session Two: Inviting God to Join Your Journey: Finding God Even When You Can’t Find Answers—Cry and Comfort

• 11:15-11:30: Break

• 11:30-12:30: Session Three: Deepening Your Journey During the Dark Night of the Soul: On the Road to Hope—Waiting and Wailing

• 12:30-1:30: Lunch Provided

• 1:30-2:30: Session Four: Traveling with God on the Journey of Faith: Joining the Larger Story—Weaving and Worshipping

Three Dozen Quotes of Note on God’s Healing for Life’s Losses 

Note: The following quotes are from God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting. They are used with permission of BMH Books. The book is officially endorsed by GriefShare.

These are my personal favorites from the book—quotes that most impact my life. Feel free to use them in your life and ministry.

Quotes of Note for Finding Hope When You’re Hurting

“When tragedy strikes, we enter a crisis of faith. We either move toward God or away from God.”

“There is no human experience which cannot be put on the anvil of a lively relationship with God and man, and battered into a meaningful shape.”

“Christianity doesn’t in any way lessen suffering. It enables you to take it, to face it, to work through it, and eventually convert it.”

“God’s Word empowers us not to evade suffering, but to face suffering face-to-face with God.”

“In suffering, God is not getting back at you; He is getting you back to Himself.”

“Shared sorrow is endurable sorrow.”

“No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.”

“We live in a fallen world and it often falls on us.”

“The world is a mess and it messes with our minds.”

“Spiritual friendship with God results in 20/20 spiritual vision from God.”

“To deny or diminish suffering is to arrogantly refuse to be humbled. It is to reject dependence upon God.”

“Crying out to God empties us so there is more room in us for God.”

“Faith does not demand the removal of suffering; faith desires endurance in suffering.”

“Faith understands that what can’t be cured, can be endured.”

“Comfort experiences the presence of God in the presence of suffering—a presence that empowers me to survive scars and plants the seed of hope that I will yet thrive.”

“In this life, your scar may not go away, but neither will His. He understands. He cares. He’s there.”

“Spiritual emergencies can produce spiritual emergence.”

“Faith looks back to the past recalling God’s mighty works. Hope looks ahead remembering God’s coming reward.”

“In Christ, loss is never final. Christ’s resurrection is the first-fruit of every resurrection.”

“When we wait on God, we cling to God’s rope of hope, even when we can’t see it.”

“Hope waits. Hope is the refusal to demand heaven now.”

“Waiting is refusing to take over while refusing to give up. Waiting refuses self-rescue.”

“In Christ, we move from victims to victors.”

“God is a ‘time God.’ He does not come before time. He does not come after time. He comes at just the right time.”

“Faith is entrusting myself to God’s larger purposes, good plans, and eternal perspective.”

“Faith is seeing life with spiritual eyes instead of eyeballs only.”

“Through faith, I look at suffering, not with rose colored glasses, but with faith eyes, with Cross-eyes, with 20/20 spiritual vision.”

“Instead of our perspective shrinking, suffering is the exact time when we must listen most closely, when we must lean over to hear the whisper of God.”

“True, God shouts to us in our pain, but His answers, as with Elijah, often come to us in whispered still small voices amid the thunders of the world.”

“God’s eternal, heavenly story doesn’t obliterate my earthly, painful story; it gives it meaning.”

“Grace math teaches us that present suffering plus God’s character equals future glory. The equation we use is the Divine perspective.”

“Worship is wanting God more than wanting relief.”

“Worship is finding God even when you don’t find answers.”

“Worship is walking with God in the dark and having Him as the light of your soul.”

“Every problem is an opportunity to know God better, and our primary battle is to know God well.”

“Problems can either shove us far from God or drag us kicking and screaming closer to Him.”

Join the Conversation

Which quotes are your personal favorites? Which ones most impact you? What other quotes bring you Christ’s comfort during times of suffering?

Healing for the Holidays: Part Three—Q and A About Holiday Honesty

Note: This is the third in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part One: A Promise. Read Part Two: Give Sorrow Words.

I appreciate friendships that are secure enough for “push-back.” Someone who lovingly says, “Bob, I get what you’re saying, but what about…?” Today, I want to give voice to four possible “push-backs” on Part Two: Give Sorrow Words. Consider these as Q/A about just how honest should we be around the holidays.

Push-Back # 1: “But Doesn’t Everyone Handle Grief Differently?”

Absolutely. Everyone handles grief differently. There’s no one typical response to grief, and there’s no one universally “correct” path toward healing for the holidays. Healing is a journey—a personal journey with God and we all take unique twists and turns on our journey.

Your timing will be different from mine. Your way will be different from your relatives. We can’t force anyone else, or even ourselves, onto a certain timetable or a one-size-fits-all plan.

That said, good research and caring engagement with people consistently shows that “denial” is a very common initial response to grief. And initially, it can even be a grace of God that allows our minds and bodies to slow down long enough to survive the horrors of our loss.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Faith Faces All of Life Honestly

Good biblical study reveals a clear pattern (not a universal command)—faith faces all of life honestly. That’s what candor is—a faithful facing of life courageously and honestly. On your journey of healing for the holidays, at least be aware that being honest with yourself (candor) is one signpost on your journey that you’ll want to zig and zag toward.

Push-Back #2: “But Not Everyone Is a Talker!”

It’s absolutely true that God uniquely designed everyone one of us—we are each fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Our different personalities, different backgrounds, different upbringings, different settings, different choices, and different loses all combine to make us unique.

So no one should ever feel, “I need to talk about this X amount.” Or, “I need to talk about this like Suzy does.” Nope.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Everyone Needs Relationship

Good biblical study reveals that God designed us to relate to Himself, to others, and to ourselves. We need relationship. In a sense, you could picture denial as a refusal to relate honestly to your own self.

Notice something about the passage we probed yesterday (Psalm 42:3-5). David starts by talking to himself! “Why are you downcast, O my soul?”

Candor doesn’t mean you have to blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets to every stranger who walks down the street. It does mean that you would be wise to start by talking to yourself.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Then put words to your feeling. That’s candor.

Like David, many people (not all) find that capturing their thoughts on paper can be very helpful. We might call it “journaling.” I like to call it “psalming.” Write your own psalm of candor about your holiday hurt.

Of course, in your uniqueness, maybe you’re not a writer. So what song conveys the feelings of your heart? Or what picture, image, or artwork conveys the ache in your soul? What movie scene captures your pain?

Push-Back # 3: “But People Are Clueless How to Relate to Me!”

Yep. Many times this is so true. And it’s one of the reasons we’re hesitant to be candid with others about our hurting during the holidays. Many people don’t know what to do after the hug.

And, there’s the biblical principle of not casting your pearls before swine. So, some people are so obtuse, so lacking in empathy, that it just may be unwise to share much, if anything, with them.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Find at Least One Faithful Friend

Good biblical study reveals that God designed the Body of Christ to comfort one another (2 Corinthians 1:3-9). Pray that God will give you at least one faithful friend who knows what to do after the hug. In your timing, slowly open up to your spiritual friend about your emotional pain. Others find that a recovery or support group of people with a similar loss is an excellent place to start the candor journey.

Push-Back # 4: “But I Don’t Want to Be a Downer Who Ruins the Holidays for Others.”

That can be a very other-centered thought. It also could be a cop-out, but let’s assume it is rightly motivated.

Push-Back to the Push-Back: Christ-like Relating to Others

First, it’s a God-thing that you can be so thoughtful about others in the midst of your holiday hurt. That’s amazing!

Second, we’ve already said that candor is more about talking to yourself and at least one other godly, caring person. So candor doesn’t require you to interrupt the Thanksgiving meal to share your deepest hurt.

Third, in the long run, your candor now will bring healing hope for future holidays. Remember, No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The Rest of the Story

Healing for the holidays starts with candid honesty with ourselves, but it doesn’t stop there. I noted that God created us to relate to ourselves, to others, and to Him. Holiday healing also requires honesty with God—what the Bible calls lament—the focus of our next post. 

Join the Conversation

Which of the push-backs were running through your mind? How can you apply the push-back to the push-back?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting. Also, visit GriefShare for information on their small group video series Surviving the Holidays.

Good Grief: A Fresh Review of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses

Note: Melinda Lancaster posted the following review of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses at her site Thinking Out Loud on Purpose.

Excerpt: “Upon receiving God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, my plan was to: read it, do a short review, and move on. God had another plan. The book “read me” and as a result exposed my misconceptions concerning God and grief. It also caused me to review, at length, my relationship with God. Taking me on an unexpected path towards healing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses has become a real game-changer. It has continued to work in my life long after I put it down.”

Full Review: Good Grief

Losses—we all experience them along with the accompanying pain. They penetrate our lives in various forms and magnitudes with little or no warning. Some are short-lived while others lead to long seasons of suffering and grief.

Suffering and grief are something we are all familiar with. Yet, these two words are NOT typically “hot topics” in most Christian circles. As a matter-of-fact they are infrequently dealt with. I find that somewhat astonishing given the fact that 1,185 of the 1,189 chapters of the Bible, in some way, touch on the subject of suffering or death.

It is also confounding to see, with so much of Scripture dedicated to the subject, how frantically we search for ways to quickly dismiss grief. Whether we downplay our pain with positive platitudes or frantically numb it with a frenzy of activities the issue remains the same. We need a framework or “theology of suffering” to deal with our pain if we are to experience God’s healing. Many believers do not have one.

A Biblical Primer

In his latest book, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, Dr. Robert Kellemen has penned a primer for sufferology that allows for such a framework to be constructed. While walking with the reader down the path of grief, which Kellemen is deeply and personally acquainted with, he offers something that has been sadly lacking–a Biblical approach that goes far beyond the traditional model. By going “the way of the Word”, instead of the way of the world, this small but power-packed book gives the readers permission to grieve freely, in a biblical manner, while providing the necessary tools.

I was not at all surprised by the author’s ability to bring spiritual light to this subject but I must say that I was amazed by the masterful way in which he so carefully and compassionately unpacked the eight biblical steps or markers on the road to healing. With the precision of a surgeon he cuts to the “heart of the matter” removing infected notions and cancerous beliefs so that real healing can occur.

The Book “Read Me”

How do I know this? I experienced it personally. I must say, that I was not prepared for the impact that God’s Healing for Life’s Losses would have on my life. No stranger to loss, over the past few years, I’ve encountered grief of my own. I thought that I was handling it when in fact I was hiding from it. That is until the opportunity to review my friend’s book came along.

Upon receiving it, my plan was to: read it, do a short review, and move on. God had another plan. The book “read me” and as a result exposed my misconceptions concerning God and grief. It also caused me to review, at length, my relationship with God. Taking me on an unexpected path towards healing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses has become a real game-changer. It has continued to work in my life long after I put it down.

Handling Grief Biblically

Having studied the subjects of suffering, grief, and loss over the years I’ve read countless books by an array of Christian writers and God’s Healing for Life’s Losses has surpassed them all. It is by far the most condensed and concise book on handling grief in a biblical manner that I’ve ever read. In my opinion it is also the most helpful.

I look forward to using it as a ministry tool and highly recommend it as a gift to all who are experiencing a loss of any kind. There is no way to adequately convey how much spiritual help is packed inside, but if you read it I believe that you too will be amazed!

Join the Conversation

What books have changed your life?