Healing for the Holidays: Part Two—Give Sorrow Words

Note: This is the second in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part One: A Promise.

C. S. Lewis famously wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Loss always hurts, and holidays are like a megaphone magnifying that pain. Or, for our generation, like the volume control on your IPod—holidays can intensify and heighten the pain.

In Part One, we saw Jesus and Paul giving us permission to grieve. Now we ask, “But what do I do with my hurt during the holidays?” Shakespeare said, “Give sorrow words.” God’s Word models that principle—we need to move from denial to candid honesty about the hurt that holiday memories can bring.

“Don’t Talk about Him!”

I faced my first experience of the death of a loved one when I was ten. My grandfather died unexpectedly one cold, snowy day in early December. Two weeks later the extended family gathered at my Grandmother’s home for the holidays. Even as a ten-year-old, it struck me as odd that no one dared to mention “Moshe” (Romanian for Grandfather). The unspoken admonition was, “Don’t talk about him!”

For many reasons—spiritual, personal, and emotional—my family was uncomfortable and unprepared to talk about Moshe. Somehow the thought seemed to be, “If we don’t mention his name, then we won’t feel the pain.”

The Problem with Denial

The barren Shunammite woman of 2 Kings 4 pictures for us the problem with denial. After years of barrenness, she bears a son who fulfills a lifetime of hopes and dreams. Tragically, he dies. Life has sent her two caskets: the first one— her inability to conceive, the second one—the death of the child she finally bore.

Rather than facing her loss, she keeps repeating, “It’s all right.” Her heart is sick, her soul is vexed, yet she keeps insisting, “It’s all right. I’m all right.”

Have you “been there, done that”? I have. Faking it. Pretending. But we can’t play make-believe forever.

Eventually it all spills out like it did for the Shunammite woman. She finally screams at Elisha, “Did I not say to you, ‘Don’t deceive me! Don’t get my hopes up.’” Denial refuses to hope ever again, to dream ever again.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Hope hoped for, received, then lost again, makes the heart deathly ill. Fragile. Needy. We hate being there, so we block it out. We deaden ourselves by refusing to hope, long, wail, or groan because groaning exposes us as the needy people that we are.

The problem is, God made us longing, thirsting, hungering, desiring beings. So we follow a trillion different strategies for deadening our desires and shutting out the wail of our soul. But none of them work.

Denial is like trying to forcefully keep an inflated beach ball submerged on the ocean floor. We can’t. Like with the Shunammite mother, inevitably the pain forces its way to the surface—only made worse by our refusal to face it.

Playing the denial game at the holidays is particularly difficult. A million different reminders flood our memories. The traditions we shared. The family pictures. The empty chair. If we’re not careful we expend all our energy trying to keep that beach ball forced down, and we have little left for the loved ones who are with us now.

The Benefit of Candor

Candid honesty courageously faces the pain of loss. As David does in Psalm 42:3-5, triggered by his memories of days gone by.

“My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?”

The Apostle Paul does not tell us not to grieve; he tells us not to grieve without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). He chooses a Greek word meaning to feel sorrow, distress, and grief, and to experience pain, heaviness, and inner affliction.

Paul is teaching that grief is the grace of recovery because mourning slows us down to face life. No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The only person who can truly dare to grieve, bear to grieve, is the person with a future hope that things will eventually be better. When we trust God’s good heart, then we trust Him no matter what. We need not pretend. We can face and embrace the mysteries of life.

A good friend of mine provides a beautiful and powerful portrait of candid grieving with tenacious hope.

“Bittersweet is the word I use so often. My husband’s empty place and missing smile are truly hard to bear. Tears come so frequently and people don’t always understand how much it still hurts. My dad died in 1998 and all my and my husband’s grandfathers have passed on also. I don’t think I have really cried over them in years, just wistful memories and sadness. But the last few days I have totally broken down missing them! Grief is such a strange companion! But the sweetness is knowing they are all Home together with our Savior and I DO have the BLESSED HOPE of seeing them again and sharing all good times that have happened since they have left us!” 

The Rest of the Story

Some people may rightly counter, “But I’m not a talker.” Or, “But isn’t everyone different in how they respond to grief?” Great thoughts. So some practical suggestions for candor will be the focus or our next post. Just how honest should we be at the holidays?

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What words would you give your sorrow over your hurt during the holidays?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

Journeying and Journaling with God

Crying Out to God: I Surrender All

Note: At the end of each chapter of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting, I include two reflection/action sections. One is Your Journey and one is Your Journal. Today, I’m sharing a few sample Crying Out to God Journey and Journal interactions to help you on your path of grief and growth—of finding God’s healing hope.

Your Crying Out to God Journey

1. In your past suffering, how did you begin to move from self-sufficiency to admitting to God that you can’t survive without Him?

2. Crying out to God is like saying, “Hello, my name is Bob and I am in desperate need of help!” What will it be like for you to cry out to God, “Hello, my name is ______ and I desperately need you God”?

3. Picture yourself, and perhaps do this now, reaching up to God, open palms, pleading eyes, asking God to mobilize His mercy on your behalf.

Your Crying Out to God Journal

1. Why do you think it is so hard for us to admit to God that we can’t survive without Christ?

2. If you were to write a Psalm 72 or 73 (Psalms of crying out to God), how would it sound? What would you write?

3. Do you believe that God collects your tears (Psalm 56:8)? How can you apply this verse to your pain? 

4. Psalm 34:17-18 teaches that God’s good heart goes out especially to the humble needy. How could you apply this truth in your life now?

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Which of the interactions/questions/reflections most resonate with you?

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting

The Quilting of Your Life

Countdown to God’s Healing: BMH Books will release my fifth book in May. To read a sample section of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting click here. To pre-order your autographed copy at 30% off, visit here. As we countdown to the release, I’ll be sharing periodic excerpts, such as today’s post: The Quilting of Your Life.

Living Between Two Realities

We began our grief and growth journey with present reality: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33).

We conclude with future reality: God “will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

We live between these two worlds. We journey aware of both realities.

It bears repeating that our journey is not a straight line. We don’t move in an easy, linear direction from “stage” one to “stage” eight. Life is far too messy for that.

More than that, the human soul is far too complex for us to imagine that a “few easy steps” move us all the way from denial to worship. While we might try to quantify a “grief process,” the suffering soul can’t be computed, measured, or calculated.

Grief is never a nice, neat package. Finding hope when you’re hurting follows no outline. Whatever “process” there is, it is uniquely personal. And that process is more like two stages forward and one stage back. Perhaps even more realistically, you may find yourself in several stages at any one time.

In God’s Healing for Life’s Losses I’ve mapped out a “pattern” from my understanding of Scripture, my personal engagement with suffering, and my pastoral care and counseling with hurting spiritual friends. As you apply this pattern to your life, it becomes your own personal quilt, woven together day-by-day by you, and God’s people, and God’s Spirit.

Looking at any one section of your life quilt, you might only see seemingly random threads. The colors and contours may not seem to make any sense whatsoever. But because God’s Word is sufficient and relevant, you can be confident that through Christ you are weaving a beautiful tapestry.

Rest for Your Soul

I know how hard hopeful trust can be. I’ve suffered great losses, too. The ache at times has seemed unbearable, unmanageable. Hope has seemed unobtainable. Rest unimaginable. Healing impossible.

However, with God, all things are possible. That’s no cliché. That’s inspired truth. Hope is supernatural. Healing is possible. Knowing the rest of the story provides rest for the soul.

So, please, don’t give up. Keep facing life face-to-face with God.

Healing is coming. Hope is on the horizon.

New life is in the air. Resurrection power is at work.

Jesus is on the move. He’s speaking to you now. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

In Christ, find rest for your soul. Find healing for life’s losses. Find hope when you’re hurting.

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How are you finding rest for your soul in Christ?

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting

Candor: Telling Yourself the Truth

Countdown to God’s Healing: I’m excited to announce that BMH Books will release my fifth book soon (in April 2010). To read a sample section of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting click here.

To pre-order your autographed copy at 30% off, visit here.

As we countdown to the release, I’ll be sharing periodic excerpts, such as today’s post: Candor: Telling Yourself the Truth.

Moving from Denial to Candor

The world has its way of grieving. But, when our fallen world falls on us, when suffering crushes us, we need much more than research. We need revelation—we need God’s inspired truth about how to grieve as those who have hope.

God’s Word offers us profound practical wisdom for moving from denial to candor. What exactly is biblical candor? Candor is courageous truth telling to myself about life in which I come face-to-face with the reality of my external and internal suffering. In candor, I admit what is happening to me and I feel what is going on inside me.

Biblical Candor Samplers: Fearlessly Facing the Facts

Does God really allow and even invite His children to be brutally honest about life? David practices candor in Psalm 42:3-5.

My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Notice that David is honest about his external suffering. He describes his losses—the loss of fellowship, leadership, and worship. He also is candid about his internal suffering. He depicts his crosses—accurately labeling his soul as downcast and disturbed within him.

Job consistently models candor throughout his response to his losses.

What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil (Job 3:25-26).

Again we witness brutal frankness both about external losses and internal crosses.

We could profitably examine the accounts of other biblical characters who practiced candor—Jeremiah, Solomon, Asaph (Psalm 73), Heman (Psalm 88), Jesus, Paul, and so many more. They all convey the same inspired message: it’s normal to hurt and necessary to grieve.

No Grieving;No Healing. Know Grieving; Know Healing

The Apostle Paul does not tell us not to grieve; he tells us not to grieve without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). He chooses a Greek word meaning to feel sorrow, distress, and grief, and to experience pain, heaviness, and inner affliction.

Paul is teaching that grief is the grace of recovery because mourning slows us down to face life. No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.

The only person who can truly dare to grieve, bear to grieve, is the person with a future hope that things will eventually be better. When we trust God’s good heart, then we trust Him no matter what. We need not pretend. We can face and embrace the mysteries of life.

On the Road to Hope

Candor or denial. The choice is a turning point. It is a line drawn in the sand of life, a hurdle to confront.

Faith crosses the line. Trust leaps the hurdle. We face reality and embrace truth, sad as it is. If facing suffering is wrestling face-to-face with God, then candor is our decision to step on the mat. Will you?

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How can people begin to move from denial to candor?

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting

Spiritual Depression and Spiritual Separation Anxiety

Countdown to God’s Healing: I’m excited to announce that BMH Books will release my fifth book soon (in April 2010). To read a sample section of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting click here.

To pre-order your autographed copy at 30% off, visit here.

As we countdown to the release, I’ll be sharing periodic excerpts, such as today’s post: Spiritual Depression and Spiritual Separation Anxiety.

Satan’s Scheme in Our Suffering

How does Satan want to trap, trick, and trip us up when suffering enters our world? Here’s his persistent ploy. “Life is bad. God must be bad, too.”

Here’s another way to put it. The theological reality of suffering teaches that our world is fallen and it often falls on us. The personal reality of suffering tutors us in the truth that our world is a mess and it messes with our minds. Suffering is not only what happens to us, it is also, and more importantly, what happens in us.

All suffering and mourning amount to a sense of death, divorce, aloneness, and forsakenness. The doubts that we endure while in the casket of suffering lead to a potential hemorrhage in our relationship to God so that we end up feeling spiritual abandonment.

Spiritual Abandonment: “I Feel Forsaken”

In spiritual abandonment, Satan tempts me to see God as my enemy (Job 3:1-26; 6:4; 10:1-3; Psalm 13; 88; Jeremiah 20:7-18; Lamentations 3:1-20; 5:20). Luther called this spiritual depression. It’s the trial of faith produced when I reflect on and interpret my suffering with reason unaided by faith.

It results in a terrified conscience in which I perceive that God is against me, and in the sense of ultimate terror that God may have forsaken me. The presence of suffering can result in the absence of faith.

I call it “spiritual separation anxiety”—the terror of a felt sense of abandonment. Satan incites this terror when he whispers, “Life is bad. God controls life. God must be bad, too. How can you trust His heart? He has left you all alone. Again.”

Spiritual depression and spiritual separation anxiety are the results of our internal interpretations of external events. They are satanic temptations to doubt God, spiritual terrors, restlessness, despair, pangs, panic, desolation, and desperation. The absence of faith in God in the presence of external suffering leads to a terrified conscience which perceives God to be angry and evil instead of loving and good.

Jeremiah felt and expressed such condemnation and rejection. “Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long?” (Lamentations 5:20). In Jeremiah 20:7, his language is even stronger, making us squeamish. “O LORD, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed.”

Heman, considered one of the wisest believers ever (1 Kings 4:31; 1 Chronicles 2:6), pens the “Psalm of the Dark Night of the Soul” (Psalm 88) in which his concluding line summarizes his spiritual struggle. “You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend” (Psalm 88:18).

If you’re honest; if I’m honest, we admit that we’ve felt what Heman felt. We’ve thought what Jeremiah thought.

The Rest of the Story

You say, “Bob, you can’t stop here!”

Interestingly, Psalm 88 does. It stops with verse 18 that I quoted above. Life is not a situation comedy where everything is wrapped up in twenty-two minutes. It’s messy.

However…you’re right. We can’t stop with Satan’s scheme. We have a choice when faced with Satan’s temptation to doubt God. In fact…we have two choices. Tomorrow’s post outlines our options when suffering enters and Satan enters with it…

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When life is bad, how do you defeat Satan’s temptation to believe that God is bad, too?

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting

The Lesson Plan of Suffering

Countdown to God’s Healing: I’m excited to announce that BMH Books will release my fifth book soon (in April 2010). To read a sample section of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting click here. To pre-order your autographed copy at 30% off, visit here.

As we countdown to the release, I’ll be sharing periodic excerpts, such as today’s post: The Lesson Plan of Suffering.

Opening Our Hands to God

The Apostle Paul teaches us suffering’s lesson plan. Suffering and death are meant to teach us our need again.

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9).

In suffering, God is not getting back at you; He is getting you back to Himself. The actual experience of dying persuades the little god that he is finite after all. When Paul felt the sentence of death, he understood that his only hope was the dead-raising God.

Suffering opens our hands to God. It was Augustine who declared, “God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full—there is nowhere for Him to put it.”

Delicious Despair

Moses taught the same truth in the passage Jesus quoted during His temptation. Why does God allow us to endure desert wanderings? According to Deuteronomy 8 and Matthew 4, it is to humble us, teaching us how desperately needy we are.

God loves us too much to allow us to forget our neediness. God makes therapeutic use of our suffering. Luther taught that suffering creates in the child of God a delicious despair. Suffering is God’s putrid tasting medicine of choice resulting in delicious healing.

Healing medicine for what? For our ultimate sickness—the arrogance that we do not need God. Suffering causes us to groan for home and to live in hope. The author of Hebrews, surveying the landscape of Old Testament journeys, shows us the way home.

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them” (Hebrews 11:13-16).

God refuses to allow us to get too comfy here. Instead, He allows suffering—daily casket processionals—to blacken our sun so we cry out to His Son. Suffering reminds us that we’re not home yet.

At least, that’s God’s intent. Satan plots an altogether different strategy. We learn about his scheme in our next post.

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What lessons are you learning from suffering?