Healing for the Holidays: Part 4—A Lament for Your Loss

Note: This is the fourth in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part 1: A Promise, Part 2: Give Sorrow Words, and Part 3: Holiday Healing Q/A. 

Does My Holiday Loss Count?

I’ve received a batch of emails in response to this series. One theme is: “Does my holiday grief count?” One person asked, “I haven’t lost a loved one, but because of a divorce, half the holidays I don’t even see my children. Is it still okay to grieve over that?” Another friend asked, “My adult kids live in Europe and I rarely see them for the holidays. Is that a reason to grieve?”

In writing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I communicated that every loss, every separation is a mini-casket experience. Each loss is a reminder of the ultimate loss of death. That is not to say that every loss is of the same magnitude. It is simply to recognize the reality that all loss hurts because every loss is a separation, a tearing away of what was meant to be together.

Yes, your loss counts. Most importantly, your loss counts to God. That’s why He invites you, like He did the saints of old, to lament your loss. Today, let’s ponder six practical principles of lamenting holiday loss—whatever shape or size your loss takes.

Holiday Lament Principle # 1: Getting Started Is the Hardest Part

Many people find that the hardest part of the grief journey is simply getting started. Stepping on the path by facing your pain and hurt can be terrifying. All sorts of questions flood your mind.

“What will I feel? Will I be able to handle whatever I feel? What if my thoughts consume me and my feelings overwhelm me? Will anyone understand? Will anyone join me? Is it worth it? What’s the point?”

But remember, it is worth it. As we learned in Part 1, denial changes nothing. Denial only prolongs the inevitable. Pretending doesn’t change the facts, can’t alter reality.

So don’t beat yourself up because you’re finding it hard to be honest with yourself and God. But do challenge yourself to begin the journey.

Holiday Lament Principle # 2: Other People May Not Understand 

One of the ironies of holiday loss is that your family and friends may think that you’re the one who can’t move on because you’re still grieving. Often, the opposite is true. They can’t move on because they’ve never even started grieving. They’re the ones who can’t even look at pictures of the lost loved one. They’re the ones who don’t dare to talk about the relative who is away during the holidays serving our country in Afghanistan. Don’t let their fear deter you. Don’t let their denial cause false guilt in you about your grief.

Holiday Lament Principle # 3: Be Honest with God—He Knows Everything Anyway! 

What is lament? If candor is being honest with yourself about the pain you feel over loss, then lament is being honest with God about your loss and pain. Lament is facing your grief face-to-face with God.

We somehow think we’re hiding things from God when we refuse to verbalize them. But since God is all-knowing, and since He knows the thoughts and intents of our heart, He already knows all that we think and feel.

The Psalmists understood this, which is one reason why there are more psalms of lament than psalms of praise and thanksgiving. Let that sentence sink in. So tell God the truth…whatever it is you are thinking and feeling.

Holiday Lament Principle # 4: Be Courageous—God Invites Lament 

But let’s be honest, this is where grief gets very confusing for the committed Christian. We love God; we know He loves us. We know God is good; we know life has now turned bad. So we want to know, sometimes we want to scream it, “How could a good God allow such loss!?”

But dare we ask? Do we dare verbalize our lament to God?

The Scriptures are clear—God invites lament. The Bible repeatedly illustrates believers responding to God’s invitation with honest words that would make many a modern Christian shudder. If you doubt that, read Psalm 13, Psalm 73, Psalm 88, Job 3, and Lamentation 5.

Holiday Lament Principle # 5: Tell God the Truth—He Cares Infinitely 

Lament demonstrates your faith in God. According to Psalm 62:8, if we truly trust God, then we’ll share everything with God. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

Think about that. The person who can’t be upfront with God about pain, loss, and grief, is the person who doesn’t trust God.

Pour out your heart to God. Why? Because God is your refuge.

When you lament, you live in the real world honestly, refusing to ignore what is occurring. Lament is your expression of your radical trust in God’s reliability in the middle of real life.

Holiday Lament Principle # 6: Honesty with God Draws You Nearer to God 

Psalm 73 is a prime example of lament. Asaph begins, “Surely God is good to Israel” (73:1). He then continues with a litany of apparent evidence to the contrary, such as the prosperity of the wicked and the suffering of the godly (73:2-15). When he tries to make sense of all this, it’s oppressive to him (73:16). He then verbalizes to God the fact that his heart is grieved and his spirit embittered (73:21).

His lament drew him nearer to God. It did not push him away from God. “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand” (73:23). He concludes, “But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge.” (73:28).

It was Asaph’s intense, candid relationship with God that enlightened him to the goodness of God even during the badness of life. “Till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. . . . As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O LORD, you will despise them as a fantasy” (73:17, 20). Spiritual friendship with God results in 20/20 spiritual vision from God.

To deny or diminish suffering is to reject dependence upon God. God wants us to make use of our suffering, to remember our suffering, to admit our need for Him in our suffering, and to rehearse our suffering before Him.

The Rest of the Story 

But what does God do when I am honest with him about my holiday hurt? What are realistic expectations about what happens in me and what God promises to me? Great questions—ones we’ll explore in our next post on healing for the holidays.

Pausing to Reflect 

Psalm 88 is a classic psalm of lament. In fact, some have called it the Psalm of the Dark Night of the Soul. What would your Psalm 88 sound like?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

A Lament for Your Loss

This week I’ve been explaining why it is unbiblical to try to forget our past. In Ask the Counselor, I noted that we should reflect on our past. Yesterday, in Blessed Are Those Who Mourn, I described the first part of reflection: candor—being honest with ourselves.

Today we’ll look at a second aspect of reflection: lament—being honest with God. I develop this material further in God’s Healing for Life’s Losses. Here’s an excerpt from chapter three: “A Lament for Your Loss Mourn.”

Biblical Lament: Telling God the Truth

Numerically, there are more Psalms of complaint and lament than Psalms of praise and thanksgiving. Lament is vulnerable frankness about life to God in which I express my pain and confusion over how a good God allows evil and suffering.

Lament is a faith-based act of persistent trust. Lament is one of the many moods of faith. Psalm 91’s exuberant trust is one faith mood while Psalm 88’s dark despair is another faith mood. A mood of faith trusts God enough to bring everything about us to Him. In lamewnt we hide nothing from God because we trust His good heart and because we know He knows our hearts.

My Personal Lament Journey

In the weeks and months after my 22nd birthday, I engaged in passionate lament. What made my struggle with my father’s death even more difficult was my lack of assurance that my father was a believer. I had witnessed to him, prayed for him, and he even began attending church with me. Yet even on his deathbed, he made no verbal commitment of faith in Christ.

So I shared with God. I told God, “What’s the use? Why did I pray, witness, and share? Why should I ever pray again? Why should I ever try again, trust again?”

I shared my confusion and my doubt with God. “Why does everyone else’s parent accept Christ in a glorious deathbed conversion? Why can’t I have assurance of my Dad’s presence with You?”

Were my expressions of lament biblical? Can lament be biblically supported? Does God truly prize lament?

Biblical Lament Samplers: With Christ in the School of Suffering

According to Psalm 62:8, if we truly trust God, then we’ll share everything with God. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

The biblical genre of lament expresses frankness about the reality of life that seems inconsistent with the character of God. Lament is an act of truth-telling faith, not unfaith. Lament is a rehearsal of the bad allowed by the Good.

When we lament, we live in the real world honestly, refusing to ignore what is occurring. Lament is our expression of our radical trust in God’s reliability in the midst of real life.

Psalm 73 is a prime example of Lament. Asaph begins, “Surely God is good to Israel” (73:1). He then continues with a litany of apparent evidence to the contrary, such as the prosperity of the wicked and the suffering of the godly (73:2-15). When he tries to make sense of all this, it’s oppressive to him (73:16). He then verbalizes to God the fact that his heart is grieved and his spirit embittered (73:21).

His lament, his complaint, drew him nearer to God. It did not push him away from God. “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand” (73:23). He concludes, “But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge.” (73:28).

It was Asaph’s intense relationship with God that enlightened him to the goodness of God even during the badness of life. “Till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. . . . As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O LORD, you will despise them as a fantasy” (73:17, 20). Spiritual friendship with God results in 20/20 spiritual vision from God.

Asaph illustrates that in lament we come to God with a sense of abandonment and confusion (Isaiah 49:14; Jeremiah 20:7; Lamentations 5:20). We then exercise a courageous, yet humble cross-examination. Not a cross-examination of God, but a cross-examination and a refuting of earth-bound reality with spiritual reality.

That’s exactly what occurs in Jeremiah 20:7; Lamentations 5:20; and Psalm 88:18. In all three passages, it appears by reason alone that life is bad and so is God. Yet in each passage, God responds positively to a believer’s rehearsal of life’s inconsistencies.

In Job 3, and much of Job for that matter, Job forcefully and even violently expresses his lament.

What’s the point of life when it doesn’t make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning? Instead of bread I get groans for my supper, then leave the table and vomit my anguish. The worst of my fears has come true, what I’ve dreaded most has happened. My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed. No rest for me, ever—death has invaded life.

In Job 42:7-8, God honors Job’s lament saying that Job spoke right of life and right of God. God prizes lament and rejects all deceiving denial and simplistic closure, preferring candid complexity.

To deny or diminish suffering is to refuse arrogantly to be humbled. It is to reject dependence upon God. Moses chastises God’s people in Deuteronomy 8:1-10 for forgetting their past suffering. God wants us to make use of our suffering, to remember our suffering, to admit our need for Him in our suffering, and to rehearse our suffering (external and internal) before Him.

On the Road to Hope

Will we be disappointed with God or disappointed without God? We can either lament with and to God, or we can complain without and about God.

If facing suffering is wrestling face-to-face with God, then complaint is our decision to grapple with God about life hand-to-hand, eye-to-eye. Will you?

Join the Conversation

How would you compare your response to your suffering to Job’s? Jeremiah’s? Jacob’s? David’s? Paul’s? Jesus in the Garden?

Healing for the Holidays: Part Four—A Lament for Your Loss

Note: This is the fourth in a series of posts on Healing for the Holidays. Read Part One: A Promise. Read Part Two: Give Sorrow Words. Read Part Three: Q/A About Holiday Honesty.

Does My Holiday Loss Count?

I’ve received a batch of emails in response to this series. One theme is: “Does my holiday grief count?” One person asked, “I haven’t lost a loved one, but because of a divorce, half the holidays I don’t even see my children. Is it still okay to grieve over that?” Another friend asked, “My adult kids live in Europe and I rarely see them for the holidays. Is that a reason to grieve?”

In writing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I wanted to communicate that every loss, every separation is a mini-casket experience. Each loss is a reminder of the ultimate loss of death. That is not to say that every loss is of the same magnitude. It is simply to recognize the reality that all loss hurts because every loss is a separation, a tearing away of what was meant to be together.

Yes, your loss counts. Most importantly, your loss counts to God. That’s why He invites you, like He did the saints of old, to lament your loss. Today, let’s ponder a six practical principles of lamenting holiday loss—whatever shape or size your loss takes.

Holiday Lament Principle # 1: Getting Started Is the Hardest Part

Many people find that the hardest part of the grief journey is simply getting started. Stepping on the path by facing your pain and hurt can be terrifying. All sorts of questions flood your mind.

“What will I feel? Will I be able to handle whatever I feel? What if my thoughts consume me and my feelings overwhelm me? Will anyone understand? Will anyone join me? Is it worth it? What’s the point?”

But remember, it is worth it. As we learned in Part One, denial changes nothing. Denial only prolongs the inevitable. Pretending doesn’t change the facts, can’t alter reality.

So don’t beat yourself up because you’re finding it hard to be honest with yourself and God. But do challenge yourself to begin the journey.

Holiday Lament Principle # 2: Other People May Not Understand

One of the ironies of holiday loss is that your family and friends may think that you’re the one who can’t move on because you’re still grieving. Often, the opposite is true. They can’t move on because they’ve never even started grieving. They’re the ones who can’t even look at pictures of the lost loved one. They’re the ones who don’t dare to talk about the relative who is away during the holidays serving our country in Afghanistan. Don’t let their fear deter you. Don’t let their denial cause false guilt in you about your grief.

Holiday Lament Principle # 3: Be Honest with God—He Knows Everything Anyway!

What is lament? If candor is being honest with yourself about the pain you feel over loss, then lament is being honest with God about your loss and pain. Lament is facing your grief face-to-face with God.

We somehow think we’re hiding things from God when we refuse to verbalize them. But since God is all-knowing, and since He knows the thoughts and intents of our heart, He already knows all that we think and feel.

The Psalmists understood this, which is one reason why there are more psalms of lament than psalms of praise and thanksgiving. Let that sentence sink in. So tell God the truth…whatever it is you are thinking and feeling.

Holiday Lament Principle # 4: Be Courageous—God Invites Lament

But let’s be honest, this is where grief gets very confusing for the committed Christian. We love God; we know He loves us. We know God is good; we know life has now turned bad. So we want to know, sometimes we want to scream it, “How could a good God allow such loss!?”

But dare we ask? Do we dare verbalize our lament to God?

The Scriptures are clear—God invites lament. The Bible repeatedly illustrates believers responding to God’s invitation with honest words that would make many a modern Christian shudder. If you doubt that, read Psalm 13, Psalm 73, Psalm 88, Job 3, Lamentation 5.

Holiday Lament Principle # 5: Tell God the Truth—He Cares Infinitely

Lament demonstrates your faith in God. According to Psalm 62:8, if we truly trust God, then we’ll share everything with God. “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

Think about that. The person who can’t be upfront with God about pain, loss, and grief, is the person who doesn’t trust God.

Pour out your heart to God. Why? Because God is your refuge.

When you lament, you live in the real world honestly, refusing to ignore what is occurring. Lament is your expression of your radical trust in God’s reliability in the middle of real life.

Holiday Lament Principle # 6: Honesty with God Draws You Nearer to God

Psalm 73 is a prime example of lament. Asaph begins, “Surely God is good to Israel” (73:1). He then continues with a litany of apparent evidence to the contrary, such as the prosperity of the wicked and the suffering of the godly (73:2-15). When he tries to make sense of all this, it’s oppressive to him (73:16). He then verbalizes to God the fact that his heart is grieved and his spirit embittered (73:21).

His lament drew him nearer to God. It did not push him away from God. “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand” (73:23). He concludes, “But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge.” (73:28).

It was Asaph’s intense, candid relationship with God that enlightened him to the goodness of God even during the badness of life. “Till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. . . . As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O LORD, you will despise them as a fantasy” (73:17, 20). Spiritual friendship with God results in 20/20 spiritual vision from God.

To deny or diminish suffering is to reject dependence upon God. God wants us to make use of our suffering, to remember our suffering, to admit our need for Him in our suffering, and to rehearse our suffering before Him.

The Rest of the Story

But what does God do when I am honest with him about my holiday hurt? What are realistic expectations about what happens in me and what God promises to me? Great questions—ones we’ll explore in our next post on healing for the holidays. 

Join the Conversation

Psalm 88 is a classic psalm of lament. In fact, some have called it the Psalm of the Dark Night of the Soul. What would your Psalm 88 sound like?

Help for Your Healing Journey

For additional help on your healing journey, learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting. Also, visit GriefShare for information on their small group video series Surviving the Holidays.

Journeying and Journaling with God

Complaint: A Lament for Your Loss

Note: At the end of each chapter of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting, I include two reflection/action sections. One is Your Journey and one is Your Journal. Today, I’m sharing a few sample Complaint/Lament Journey and Journal interactions to help you on your path of grief and growth—of finding God’s healing hope.

Your Complaint/Lament Journey

1. Biblical complaint/lament trusts God’s good heart enough to bring everything about us to Him. Where would you put yourself on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being anger that pushes God away because you doubt His good heart, and 10 being complaint/lament that invites God in because you trust His good heart?

2. How would you compare your response to your suffering to Job’s? Jeremiah’s? Jacob’s? David’s? Paul’s? Jesus in the Garden?

3. Perhaps you’ve begun to face your losses and crosses. Where does Christ fit into your picture? What are you doing with Christ in your suffering? Have you been able to share your heart with God? If so, what have you said? If not, what would you like to say?

Your Complaint/Lament Journal

1. What do you think the Bible teaches about expressing anger and disappointment to God? What passages could you ponder to discover how God’s people have talked to God when they experienced loss?

2. Read Psalm 88—The Psalm of the Dark Night of the Soul.

a. What does Psalm 88 suggest about expressing your anger, disappointment, or complaint to God?

b. If you were to pen your own Psalm 88, what would it sound like? What would you write?

3. Read Job 3:1-26; 7:1-10; and 10:1-22. Have you been here? How so? Pen your own Job-like expression of lament to God.

Join the Conversation

Which of the interactions/questions/reflections most resonate with you?

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting

Complaint: A Lament for Your Loss

Countdown to God’s Healing: I’m excited to announce that BMH Books will release my fifth book soon (in April 2010). To read a sample section of God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting click here.

To pre-order your autographed copy at 30% off, visit here.

As we countdown to the release, I’ll be sharing periodic excerpts, such as today’s post: Complaint: A Lament for Your Loss.

Facing Destructive Anger

Anger is the typical “second stage” in the world’s grieving journey. After denial ends, the truth sinks in. Something bad, horrific has occurred. We’ve lost something or someone dear to us.

Our loss frustrates our desires and blocks our goals. It ticks us off. We’re mad. We want to lash out. At life. At the world. At . . . God.

This is where grief gets very confusing for the committed Christian. We love God; we know He loves us. We know God is good; we know life has now turned bad. So we want to know, sometimes we want to scream it, “How could a good God allow such evil and suffering!?”

God Invites Lament

But dare we ask? Do we dare verbalize our complaint, our lament to God?

The Scriptures are clear—God invites lament, complaint. The Bible repeatedly illustrates believers responding to God’s invitation with honest words that would make many a modern Christian shudder.

I know what you’re thinking. “Didn’t God judge the Israelites for complaining?”

There are different words and a distinct context between the sinful complaint of the Israelites in Numbers and the godly complaint/lament of Job, the Psalmists, Jeremiah, and many others. Biblical complaint complains to God about the fallen world. Ungodly complaint complains about God and accuses Him of lacking goodness, holiness, and wisdom.

We must remember that Satan is the master masquerader (2 Corinthians 11:13-15). His counterfeit for biblical complaint is unhealthy, destructive anger. Satan wants us to substitute cursing for complaint.

Job’s wife fell into Satan’s snare when she urged Job to “Curse God and die!” She encouraged him to give up on God, on himself, and on life.

Cursing God demeans God. It sees Him as a lightweight, as an arid desert and a land of great darkness (Jeremiah 2:5, 19, 29, 31). Cursing separates. Complaint connects. Complaint draws us toward God; hatred and anger push us away from God.

Biblical Complaint: Telling God the Truth

What then is complaint? In candor we’re honest with ourselves; in complaint we’re honest to God. Complaint is vulnerable frankness about life to God in which I express my pain and confusion over how a good God allows evil and suffering.

We needlessly react against the word “complaint.” “Christians can’t complain!” we insist. Yet numerically, there are more Psalms of complaint and lament than Psalms of praise and thanksgiving.

Complaints are faith-based acts of persistent trust. They are one of the many moods of faith. Psalm 91’s exuberant trust is one faith mood while Psalm 88’s dark despair is another faith mood. A mood of faith trusts God enough to bring everything about us to Him. In complaint we hide nothing from God because we trust His good heart and because we know He knows our hearts.

Join the Conversation

So what do you think. Can and should Christians “complain” and “lament” to God?

The Forty-Day Journey of Promise

Day Seven: Groaning to the Father of the Fatherless

Note: Welcome to The Journey, our forty-day blog series where we’re learning life lessons from the legacy of African American Christianity. The series is based upon material from my book Beyond the Suffering. To learn more about Beyond the Suffering, including downloading a free chapter, click here.

Perpetual Lament

In the gripping slave narratives, we find believers sharing their hurting hearts with their caring Savior. In their practice of the biblical art of lament, African American Christians clung to biblical imagery.

For example, Pastor Peter Randolph describes a mother named Jenny who grieves the loss of her children.

“So she (Jenny) commends them to the care of the God of the widow and the fatherless, by bathing her bosom in tears, and giving them the last affectionate embrace, with the advice to meet in heaven. Oh, the tears of the poor slave that are in bottles, to be poured out upon his blood-stained nation, as soon as the cup of wrath of the almighty Avenger is full, when he shall say, ‘I have heard the groanings of my people, and I will deliver them from the oppressor!’”

Painting Pictures of God onto the Palettes of Life Portraits

Enslaved African Americans survived by painting pictures of God onto the palettes of their life portraits. They viewed Him as the Father of the fatherless, as the God who collects their tears in his bottle of remembrance, and as God the just Judge avenging their suffering, hearing their cries, and delivering their souls.

While Solomon Northup lies in a slave pen with fifty fellow slaves, he prays a prayer of personal lament.

“My cup of sorrow was full to overflowing. Then I lifted my hands to God, and in the still watches of the night, surrounded by the sleeping forms of my companions, begged for mercy on the poor, forsaken captive. To the Almighty Father of us all—the freeman and the slave—I poured forth the supplications of a broken spirit, imploring strength from on high to bear up against the burden of my troubles, until the morning light aroused the slumberers, ushering in another day of bondage.”

His Eyes Watching God

His mouth vocalizing his pain and his eyes watching God, Northup draws a line in the sand of retreat. When everything inside screams, “Surrender hope!” he cries out to God lamenting the evils he is suffering while pleading for strength to endure. He teaches us that the will to survive is soaked in continual lament.

Fixing Your Eyes on the Hope of the Future: Heavenly Reunion

Randolph explains that given such earthly sorrow, enslaved African Americans ministered to one another by emphasizing heavenly reunion. “In parting with their friends at the auction-block, the poor blacks have the anticipation of meeting them again in the heavenly Canaan, and sing:

‘O, fare you well, O, fare you well! God bless you until we meet again; Hope to meet you in heaven, to part no more. Sisters, fare you well; sisters, fare you well; God Almighty bless you, until we meet again.’”

Enslaved Virginian, William Grimes, summarizes it best.

“If it were not for our hopes, our hearts would break.”

Knowing that they would never see one another again in this world, they set their sights on another world.

Join the Conversation (Post a Comment for a Chance to Receive a Copy of Beyond the Suffering)

1. The will to survive is soaked in continual lament. How could the church today practice continual communal lament?

2. In what situations do you say, ‘If it were not for my hopes, my heart would break? How does God sustain you through future hope?

3. What image of God can we cling to when life attempts to batter and break us?

Peter Randolph's Narrative