20 Ways to Lose Friends and Influence

Pastor David Murray at Head, Heart, Hand recently posted a summary of Marshall Goldsmith’s work. You can read David’s post at How to Lose Friends and Not Influence Anyone. 

David’s post also linked to Failure to Communicate which provides the following 20 behaviors that will ensure that we lose friends and influence.

1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations.

2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our 2 cents to every discussion.

3. Passing judgment: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.

4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasm and cutting remarks that we think make us witty.

5. Starting with NO, BUT, HOWEVER: The overuse of these negative qualifiers, which secretly say to everyone that I’m right and you’re wrong.

6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.

7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.

8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.

9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.

10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to give praise and reward.

11. Claiming credit that that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contributions to any success.

12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.

13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.

14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.

15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.

16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.

17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.

18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.

19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.

20. An excessive need to be “me:” Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

So What?

Since we all tend to be blind to our own sins and selfish ways of relating, Goldsmith suggests how to use this list to start winning friends, influencing everyone and achieving breakthrough measurable results are as follows:

1. Select four stakeholders, including the managing partner, a partner, another associate, and a staff person, who want you to succeed but who will be candid with you.

2. Have them check off behaviors on the list that you are guilty of; next ask them to rank, from most problematic to least problematic, those behaviors that get in the way of their working productively with you.

3. Finally, when two or more of your stakeholders agree on certain particularly egregious behaviors, comment to them that you will change one behavior at a time going forward and that you would like to check in with them periodically regarding your progress and for additional suggestions to improve upon.

4. The proof that you have really changed only comes when your stakeholders agree that you have changed those behaviors and are sustaining those changes.

Join the Conversation

We can each ask ourselves the question, “Which ways of relating and leading do I need to change?”

One Reason Christian Organizations Fail

I was intrigued by Scott Williams’ post When Organizations Bury High Capacity Talent. Williams shares that:

Most organizations and leaders would love to have “High Capacity” leaders to fill the slots within their organizations. The sometimes overlooked challenge is the fact that with “High Capacity” leaders, comes the need for those leaders to lead at uhh… a “High Capacity” in addition to releasing their creativity.

Many times organizations make the decision to do one of two things: 1. Bury that talent and therefore putting a lid on the height of that “High Capacity Leader.” 2. Get rid of that team member because of insecurity or simply not wanting to deal with the challenges these types of leaders bring to the table.

I’ve Seen It So Many Times

I’ve seen it happen scores of times in Christian organizations—usually because Christian “leaders” are intimidated by high capacity talent. Rather than shepherding talented workers/ministers, fearful, insecure Christian leaders hold back, push down, and push out highly-skilled and highly-motivated people.

This is one reason why I refused to take the title “Sr. Pastor” when I was “Sr. Pastor.” Instead, I choose the title “Congregational Discipleship Pastor.” My thinking: “If I’m Sr. Pastor, does that make other staff people ‘Jr. Pastors’?” I saw my calling to be organizing the organism so every member could be equipped for the work of the ministry. Every member could be a high capacity leader.

The Parable of the Talents

Williams makes the apt comparison between fearful leadership and the parable of the talents.

It’s like the Parable of the talents: The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. The one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.

So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’ “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? (Matthew 25:25-26).

If your organization, team, staff or business has been blessed with some great talent, Don’t Bury It! There is a new type of harvest to be sown with this “High Capacity” seed.

If organizations manage their talent wisely, they may get this response: ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ (Matthew 25:25).

Don’t Bury Your “High Capacity” Talent!

Why Do Churches and Para-Church Organizations Struggle?

This explains one major reason why many churches and para-church organizations struggle. The “lead leader” is not a leader. He or she is a protector: a self-protector. Protecting his or her own turf, own image, own power base, own agenda, own kingdom.

He or she is a controller. Seeking to keep control, to keep a thumb pressed down on “underlings” to be sure they remain under.

By the way. I am not experiencing anything like this. My passionate response is not coming from any personal vendetta or bitterness. I simply see Scott Williams as on target and his assessment has lit a fire under me.

God calls real leaders to release and unleash. Leaders are to fan into flame and stir up the gift of God in others.

I would conclude as Scott Williams concluded. “Leaders, don’t bury your high capacity talent!”

Join the Conversation

Have you witnessed Christian “leaders” burying their high capacity talent? What do you think causes this? What could remedy it?

Five Lessons Leaders Can Learn from Bears’ Coach Lovie Smith

I’m a diehard Bears fan and have been since 1969 when I was ten years old and the Bears were 1-13. No band-wagon-jumper, I’ve also been a Lovie Smith fan ever since the Bears hired him in 2004. Oft maligned by the media, especially in Chicago, Smith is loved and respected by his players. That, combined with his track record of success at every level of football, both as a player and a coach, leads to today’s post, Five Lessons Leaders Can Learn from Bears’ Coach Lovie Smith.

1. Build a Cohesive Team: A Team Is the Sum of Its Part

The analysts and experts state, and I tend to agree, that if you compare the Bears’ roster, position-by-position, to the remaining playoff teams, that the Bears come up short. Quarterback—Cutler is likely the third or fourth best of the four remaining QBs. Receiving core—fourth best. Offensive line—fourth best and not even close. Defensive backs—fourth best. Overall talent—fourth best.

So what in the world are the Bears even doing on the same playing field and the same round of the playoffs as the Packers, Jets, and Steelers? Building a team—whether a football team, a pastoral staff, or a computer company—is not about acquiring prima-donna stars, but about matching the right people to the right positions in a right relationship with one another.

The Bears are a cohesive team—on defense they swarm to the ball—as a team. On offense, their running backs block and catch as well as run. Forget hiring the super star or the big name. Hire the team player whose skills and attitude build the team, not himself or herself.

2. Hire the Best People and Don’t Be Intimidated

Lovie Smith has three, count them three, former head coaches on his staff. The media talks about Smith running scarred. I’d like to see the columnist who would hire three former featured columnists to work for them. Lovie Smith isn’t threatened by talented co-workers. He’s not intimidated by the fact that any one of them could end up with his job if his team stumbles. Smith hires the best of the best for the good of the team, regardless of the future implications for his own job security. Hire talented people and let the chips fall where they may.

3. Encourage Your People

The media (often either failed jocks or jock-wannabes), complain that Smith is not hard enough on his players—either in practice (too easy, supposedly) or during games (not in their faces enough). Interestingly, the Bears are the healthiest team in the league—so some of those “easy” practices obviously are paying off, especially given that they are peaking at exactly the right time.

And who says that a leader has to be like Mike Ditka or Bobby Knight—screaming at players—in order to motivate people to do their best? Tony Dungy and John Wooden, among 1000s of other leaders, understood that building into people and building people up is not only the right thing to do, but the winning way to do it.

4. Have Your People’s Backs

The media also jumps all over Smith because he won’t publicly criticize his players. Again, I wonder how many reporters would wish that their publishers would jump all over them in public after a poorly written article. Smith has his player’s back, and they have his. Listen to them and you understand that privately, Smith will criticize, push, and prod whenever necessary. But in public, he’s going to be positive. If that’s such a crime, then why is his team, renowned as lower in talent and predicted to finish 5-11, in their second NFC Championship game in four years?

5. Speak Substance Over Flash

Likely the number one reason that the media castigate Smith is that he doesn’t give them flashy quotes to fill their columns (like his job is to do their job for them?). Smith isn’t flashy. He isn’t “charismatic” by how the world defines and over-glamorizes that term. He is a man who chooses his words carefully and speaks thoughtfully. Perhaps that is why, when he does speak, his players listen, as proven by a recent half-time turn-around when the normally quiet Smith let his players know that they needed to turn it up a notch or two.

For me, I’ll take a coach, a man, like Lovie Smith any day as my boss, as my leader.

Join the Conversation

Which of the five leadership lessons could you apply? Could your boss apply? What else could leaders learn from Lovie?

REST: How to Lead Meetings That People Want to Attend

“Meetings.” Just the mention of the word causes most of us to cringe.

Is there any way to lead a meeting that makes people cheer instead of boo?

Try the “REST” principle of meetings. In church and para-church settings I’ve always lead meeting with the following focus.

R: Relationship Building

Start every meeting with a time of relationship building. We always start first with a time of building our relationship with Christ—some aspect of group worship.

We next used various creative yet simple means to build relationships with one another—fellowship. It can be as simple yet powerful as praying for each other.

E: Equipping One Another

Having worked to deepen our connection to Christ and the Body of Christ, I next always include a time of discipleship—of mutual equipping. Doesn’t have to be the leader who does so—someone in the group can be designated ahead of time to lead a time of building up the group in ministry equipping.

S: Scriptural Strategizing

Strengthened in Christ and in the Body of Christ, empowered to serve others for Christ, next we spend time in big picture scriptural strategy sessions. Why are we here? Where does Christ want us to go from here? What does God’s Word say about our the specific mission/vision of our unique group in our special community?

T: Taking Action

This is where most groups start and end. They spend all of their time on the details of “business.” This is typically the groups agenda and “to-do” list. I always save this for last. Doesn’t mean it’s not important. But it does put it in its proper place and perspective. We can’t “to-do” anything if we do it in our own strength. Instead, our “to-do” list becomes a “to-glorify-God” list and a “to-enjoy” list when we prioritize it correctly. First, relationship with God and one another. Second, a disciple group. Third, a biblically focused purpose. Fourth, working together to plan how the group members will complete its MAP: Ministry Action Plan.

Join the Conversation

Be honest, when you hear, “It’s time for our next meeting,” what comes to mind? How could the REST model change your attitude about meetings?

Should Pastors Pastor?

Megachurch pastors are not likely to see themselves as that—pastors. According to recent findings from Leadership Network’s Large-Church Senior Pastor Survey, 81% of Sr. Pastors with more than 2,000 attendees view their role as “preacher/teacher” while only 16% see themselves as “pastor, shepherd, or spiritual guide.” And only 10% say they are strongest in pastoral counseling and spiritual direction. (You can find an article on this study in the Christian Post.)

Sad News, Not New News

While to me this is very sad news, it is hardly new news.

Pastor, author, and professor Eugene Peterson noted in a 1993 article for Christianity Today that the practice of pastoral soul care and spiritual direction was a forgotten art. Through his research he concluded that until about a century ago, pastoral work was synonymous with soul care—the Scripture-directed, prayer-shaped care that is devoted to persons singly or in groups, in settings sacred and profane.

In his 1989 book, The Contemplative Pastor, Peterson noted that pastors now focus on running a church (administration) and have abandoned their historic call to pastoral soul care. Peterson saw many of the ministers of his day as CEOs and polished public speaker. But can they relate? Do they care? Do they practice pastoral care? Are they even aware of their ancestors in pastoral practice?

“Yes, But”

I can hear you now…

“Yes, but there’s no way a pastor with 2,000 people can counsel, pastor, or shepherd everyone!”

I’m not saying they could or even should provide personal ministry to everyone.

I’m saying they should be able to shepherd someone! More importantly, the Bible says that a pastor should be able to shepherd (1 Peter 5:1-5; Acts 20:25-38; Colossians 1:28-2:2).

Objection # 2

Or, you might say, “Yes, but the work of the pastor is equipping the people to do the work of the ministry, not doing all the work of the ministry.”

I agree 100% that pastors are equippers. Of course, nothing in the survey noted this as their self-identified role.

Additionally, how can you equip people for the personal ministry of the Word (counseling, shepherding, spiritual direction) if you have little or no experience or ability or passion in that area? And how many mega-churches have equipping ministries for lay counseling, lay care-giving, lay shepherding? (Answer: a very low percentage.)

Another Potential Objection

Or, you might say, “Yes, but through the pulpit ministry of the Word, so many more are fed.”

Here’s my problem with that—if a pastor is not involved in the personal ministry of the Word (shepherding, pastoral counseling, spiritual direction), then the preaching is more from theory than from real-life, raw, relevant ministry experience.

Hiding behind the pulpit ministry of the Word can easily become an excuse to avoid the personal ministry of the Word. The pulpit ministry of the Word and the personal ministry of the Word are not enemies. They should be partners.

Join the Conversation

What do you think?

Should every pastor be involved in the personal ministry of the Word through shepherding, pastoral counseling, care-giving, soul care, and/or spiritual direction?

Should pastors pastor? Or, does pastoring a mega-church grant pastors a pass on pastoring?

Is a pastor a soul physician or a CEO/public speaker?