Grace Connecting: Exposure without Rejection

The Big Idea: You’re reading Part Two of a series designed to equip you with five biblical counseling skills using the acrostic GRACE. Read Part One: How to Care Like Christ. Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

What Grace Connecting Requires: Romans 5:6-8

Grace connection requires exposure without rejection, truth with relationship, curiosity rather than analysis, and face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. Christ models exposure without rejection in Romans 5:6-8. “While we were yet sinners” (exposure). “Christ died for us” (acceptance). Grace connection communicates, “I see you warts and all, and I still love you, accept you, like you, and move toward you.”

Paul models truth with relationship in Ephesians 4:15. He tells us that the essence of pastoral care involves speaking and living out the truth in love. Consider possible ways to do ministry:

• Truth Minus Relationship: Intimidation/Compliance

• Relationship Minus Truth: Indecision/Confusion

• Truth Plus Relationship: Internalization/Conformity to Christ

Jesus models curiosity versus analysis. At the end of John 2, John notes that Jesus knew all people universally and deeply. Yet, he did not allow his full knowledge to blind him to the uniqueness of individuals. Following John 2, Jesus engages two of the most diverse individuals imaginable: the Jewish male moral religious leader and the Samaritan female immoral irreligious follower. Reread both accounts and you’ll see his respect for each. His probing curiosity. His unique interactions and involvement.

Analysis views your spiritual friend as “a specimen” to be dissected, analyzed, and studied. Curiosity sees your spiritual friend as an image bearer to be experienced, a mystery to enter, and a soul to know.

We would all do well to tape the following prayer somewhere in our “counseling” office. Or better, somewhere in our soul.

The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

In John 3-4, Jesus models face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. He enters their individual worlds. He goes where they are, both geographically and soulfully. He becomes a cartographer of their soul, exploring their personal terrain.

With the woman at the well, in particular, he exposes his humanness. He’s authentic, open, vulnerable, and honest. He connects, touches, and moves toward. He’s anything but surface, fake, phony, uncaring, and distancing.

Building a Connected Spiritual Friendship: Galatians 6:1

How do you develop connected relationships? Exploring how not to develop grace relationships begins to answer that question.

How Not to Build Grace Connections: Job 16:2

Job accused his “friends” of being “miserable comforters.” The word “miserable” means troublesome, vexing, and sorrow-causing. They were the opposite of “comforters”—they were not consoling, sympathetic; they did not feel deeply Job’s hurt. They never said or conveyed in any way, “It’s normal to hurt.”

Instead of grace connecting, they practiced condemning distancing. Read the verses below and notice examples of their poor relational abilities flowing out of their poor theology (Job 42:7) and their cold hearts:

1. Superiority: Job 5:8; 8:2; 11:2-12; 12:1-3; 15:7-17

“We’re better than you. You’re inferior to us.”

2. Judgmentalism: Job 4:4-9; 15:2-6

“It’s not normal to hurt! Your suffering is due to your sinning!”

3. Advice without Insight/Discernment: Job 5:8; 8:5-6; 11:13-20; 42:7

“Here’s what I would do if I were you.” “Do this and life’s complexities will melt away.” “I have the secret that will fix your situation.” They offered quick, trite advice. They were rescuers, answer men, and cliché makers. 

The Rest of the Story

I know, you want to scream, “Don’t stop now! Not with what not to do!” Sorry. But come on back for Part Three: How to Build Grace Connections.

Join the Conversation

How would your relationships change if you prayed The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer? “Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.”

God’s Art Gallery of Spiritual Friendship

In the midst of spiritual crisis, we need spiritual connection—spiritual friendship. But just what does spiritual friendship look like? Would we know it if we saw it?

Allow me to guide you on a tour through God’s art gallery filled with walls lined with pictures of spiritual friendship. View pictures of spiritual friendship as:

Art Gallery Portrait One: Spiritual Friendship as Sacred Companionship

Spiritual friends are sacred companions. I’m convinced that one of the primary reasons that we fail to experience Christ’s power is because we fail to take our friendships seriously enough.

Our close friendships are sacred. They’re holy and sanctified, committed and consecrated, serious and mysterious, beautiful and blessed by God.

A sacred companion dares to enter the holy place of your soul—the messy rooms filled with fear, darkness, chaos, and confusion. She also thrills to enter the redeemed core of your soul—that central room touched by God, yet rarely tapped into or stirred up by the mere acquaintance. A sacred companion is someone who cares about you so much and knows you so well, that he helps you to taste God’s goodness and grace where others only see suffering and sin.

Even more, your sacred companions courageously encourage you to enter the Holy of Holies of your soul—to live face-to-face with God in intimate integrity. No wonder the author of Hebrews directly links bold entrance into God’s presence (Hebrews 10:19-23) with the bold encouragement shared between brothers and sisters in Christ (Hebrews 10:24-25).

Art Gallery Portrait Two: Spiritual Friendship as Voice and Touch

Spiritual friends connect voice and touch. In the prologue to Leadership Jazz, Max DePree writes about his granddaughter, Zoe:

Zoe was born prematurely and weighed one pound, seven ounces, so small that my wedding ring could slide up her arm to her shoulder. The neonatologist who first examined her told us that she had a 5 to 10 percent chance of living three days. When Esther and I saw Zoe in her isolette in the neonatal intensive care unit, she had two IVs in her navel, one in her foot, a monitor on each side of her chest, and a respirator tube and a feeding tube in her mouth. To complicate matters, Zoe’s biological father had jumped ship the month before Zoe was born. Realizing this, a wise and caring nurse named Ruth gave me my instructions. “For the next several months, at least, you’re the surrogate father. I want you to come to the hospital every day to visit Zoe, and when you come, I want you to rub her body and her legs and arms with the tip of your finger. While you’re caressing her, you should tell her over and over how much you love her, because she has to be able to connect your voice to your touch” (DePree, Leadership Jazz, p. 1).

DePree concludes with these insightful words. “God knew that we also needed both His voice and His touch. So He gave us His Word (His Son) and also His Body (the Church). God’s voice and touch say, ‘I love you’” (Depree, Leadership Jazz, p. 2).

God’s Word is his voice speaking to you. God’s people are his touch speaking his Word into your soul.

Art Gallery Portrait Three: Spiritual Friendship as Christ Incarnated in Christians

Spiritual friendship is Christ incarnated in Christians. Dave is one of my best friends from seminary days. One night when his daughter, Kristen, was about five or six, she awoke from a bad dream. Hearing her cries and whimperings, Dave got out of bed to comfort Kristen. He hugged her, and she was still. Then they prayed together. His prayer was meant to reassure her that Jesus was watching over her. But when Dave finished praying and was about to leave Kristen, her whimperings began again. Dave reminded her again, “You know that Jesus is watching over you.”

Kristen responded, “I know, but I need Jesus with some skin on him!”

That’s what God calls us to be for each other: Jesus with skin on him. Spiritual friends give each other small tastes, samples now, of how good and gracious Jesus is.

Spiritual friendship is a human relational bridge that reconnects our soul to God. We are more than professionals, or practitioners, or pastors; we are fellow pilgrims. We journey with one another through the valley of the shadow of death. Then we lay down our lives for each other, forming a bridge from the valley of death to the oasis of hope—the oasis of God’s goodness and grace.

Join the Conversation

Which portrait of spiritual friendship resonates with you?

Note: Excerpted from Spiritual Friends.

Want to Change Lives?

Do you care deeply, but sometimes struggle to know how to care like Christ?

Then join Dr. Bob Kellemen and RPM Ministries in their next How to Care Like Christ seminar.

*Learn How to Care Like Christ

*Discover How to Change Lives with Christ’s Changeless Truth

*Be Equipped to Bring Christ’s Healing to Hurting People

*Find Biblical Answers to Life’s Seven Ultimate Questions

Date, Time, Place, and Cost

*Date: Saturday, January 23, 2010

*Time: 9:00-4:00 (Registration and Continental Breakfast Begins at 8:30)

*Place: Douglas Memorial Community Church, 1325 Madison Ave, Baltimore, MD 21217, www.douglaschurch.org, info@douglschurhc.org, 410-523-1700

*Cost: $25.00. Cost includes continental breakfast, snacks, lunch, complete set of seminar notes, and full-day seminar.

To Register

You have several registration and payment options:

1. Register online and pay by credit card here.

2. Call Douglas Memorial Community Church at 410-523-1700 to register and pay by check.

3. Mail a check to the church address (see above).

4. Contact Minister Vivian Ferebee at: vferebee@douglaschurch.org, 410-523-1700, ext. 17.

5. Pay by cash in person the day of the seminar.

Space is limited, please be sure to register early.

Be Equipped for One Another Ministry

*Find God’s Answers to Life’s Seven Ultimate Questions: Learn how to relate Christ’s changeless truth to our changing times.

*Learn how to understand people biblically: Discover how God designed us to live, love, and relate.

*Learn how to diagnose problems scripturally: Uncover what went wrong—why do we do the things we do?

*Learn how to prescribe God’s solutions effectively: Apply Christ’s answers for our daily life problems.

*Learn how to weep with those who weep: Offer sustaining care for discouraged people—empathize with people.

*Learn how to give hope to the hurting: Offer healing comfort for suffering people—encourage people as you relate God’s truth to daily life.

*Learn how to be a dispenser of grace: Offer reconciling care-fronting for sinning people—enlighten people as you speak the truth in love.

*Learn how to disciple, coach, and mentor: Offer guiding counsel for growing people—empower people to tap into Christ’s resurrection power.

More Information

Visit the church web site for additional information.  

Soul Physicians

The Anatomy of Anxiety

Part 25: A Safe Place to Hit Rock Bottom

Note: For previous posts in this blog mini-series, visit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and 24.

Big Idea: Does worry, doubt, or fear get the best of you sometimes? Do you wonder where anxiety comes from and how to defeat it in your life and the lives of those you love? Then we need a biblical anatomy of anxiety. We need God’s prescription for victory over anxiety.

The Safest Place on Earth?

When we struggle with issues like anxiety and depression, unfortunately, the church is often one of the least safe places on the planet. Is the church a safe place to hit rock bottom, or is it the place we get stoned by rocks?

When someone comes to us anxious or depressed, do we respond more like the loving, accepting Father or the judgmental older brother (see Luke 15:11-32)? Are we the good Samaritan, crossing over to get bloody, or are we the self-righteous Pharisee staying as far away as possible from life’s messes (see Luke 10:25-37). Are we asking, “Who sinned?” or are we praying, “How can we help bring healing?” (see John 9:1-12).

Spiritual Conversations

There are many ways to help bring healing. One way is to learn the art of “spiritual conversations.” In my book Spiritual Friends, I call these “trialogues.” In a monologue, I talk at you. In a dialogue, we talk to each other. In a trialogue, together we invite a Third Party to join our conversation—Jesus. Every interaction between Christian friends should include at least three people: you, your friend, and the ultimate Spiritual Friend—Christ—who we invite in through His Word and His Spirit.

Sustaining Spiritual Conversations: Romans 12:15

Sustaining spiritual conversations seek to empathize with another person’s hurts and struggles. They seek to communicate, “It’s normal to hurt.” And, “It’s frightening to experience anxiety.” They “climb in the casket” of anxiety, for instance, that feels like death warmed over. They weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). They face the fact that we live in a fallen world and it often falls on us.

Ponder just a few sample sustaining spiritual conversations. The idea is not to repeat these in a rote, wooden way. In fact, don’t repeat them at all. Use these samplers to create from your own caring heart person-specific interactions that communicate that you care and accept your friend exactly where she/he is.

*“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see and feel your stress and fear.”

*“What do you fear the most in this situation? What’s the worst case scenario? What if that happened?”

*“When are your worries the most overwhelming? When are they the least taxing?”

*“What are these feelings of anxiety like for you? Please help me to understand, the best anyone could, what you’re feeling right now.”

*“Specifically, what are the situations and circumstances that you’re worried and anxious about?”

*“When else have you experienced feelings similar to this? How did you respond? What did you learn about God and yourself in that situation? What would you repeat and what would you change?”

*“If you knew that God would say ‘Yes,’ to your prayer about this situation, what would you be praying?”

*“What has been robbed from your life due to these fears and stresses?”

*“What do you wish were happening instead of what you’re experiencing now?”

*“Have you been able to share your heart with God? What have you said? What are you sensing from God?”

*“What might God be up to in all of this?”

*“How is your battle with anxiety influencing your relationship to Christ?”

*“What do you think the Bible says about anxiety, worry, and fear?”

*“What Scriptures could we look at that illustrate how God’s people have talked to God when they felt fear, worry, and anxiety?”

*“If you were to write your own Psalm 27, 31, 46, 55, 91, 92, 109, or 116, related to your fears, how would it sound? What would you write?

*“What Scriptures might you turn to in order to discover God’s perspective on this?”

*“What passages have you found helpful in gaining a new perspective on this? To find strength and courage and peace as you go through this?”

*“How does your faith in Christ fit into your feelings and thoughts?”

*“How could your image of Christ impact your current feelings and prompt peace?”

Keeping It Real

1. Are you a safe person? Do people feel safe hitting rock bottom with you?

2. Who has been a safe spiritual friend for you? Who enters into spiritual conversations with you that communicated, “It’s normal to hurt.”

3. Of the sample sustaining spiritual conversations, which ones would you want spoken to you? What additional samples would you add when speaking to a friend struggling against anxiety?

The Rest of the Story

In our next post we move from the casket to the empty tomb. We explore together healing spiritual conversations that communicate, “It’s possible to hope.” And, “It’s possible to experience peace even when you feel worried.”

Join the Conversation

How can we make our churches safe places to hit rock bottom?

Spiritual Friends