Ask the Counselor: “Should I Try to Forget My Past?”

As a biblical counselor, people often ask me the important question, “Should I try to forget my past?”

I first respond with a one-word answer. “No.”

Then I respond with a blog-size answer using the words:

• Remember

• Reflect

• Repent/Receive/Renew

• Reinterpret

• Retell

• Resources

Remember

Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t forget the past. It’s impossible. More importantly, it’s ungodly.

Memory is our God-given capacity to store and recall what we have experienced and learned. Remembering is part of our design by creation—before the fall into sin. “Remember” is used 167 times in the Bible (NIV), thus reminding us of the importance of remembering.

Some people mistakenly interpret Philippians 3:13 to mean that we should try to forget our past. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” The Greek word for “forget” does not mean not to remember, but not to focus my attention on. More importantly, the biblical context is whether Paul would focus his attention on his works of the flesh, attempts at self-righteousness, and putting confidence in the flesh, versus focusing on Christ’s righteousness and the power of Christ’s resurrection.

Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians is a testimony to the biblical value of remembering. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia” (2 Cor. 1:8a). Throughout the epistle, Paul recalls and rehearses a litany of past suffering.

Reflect

In a similar way, the Psalms are a biblical testimonial to the power and value of remembering face-to-face with God. I call it reflecting.

People typically ask about forgetting in the context of dealing with past suffering—being sinned against, or dealing with past sin—sinning against others. I believe that attempting to refuse to remember our past can actually be a symptom of sin.

Trying to suppress past memories of pain (either regarding our suffering or sin) can be a refusal to face and deal with life. It can be an attempt to deal with pain apart from God. We could compare such attempts to self-sufficient “coping mechanisms” such as drinking and drugs—where we try anything to numb our pain, emptiness, or guilt.

In my book, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I describe how the Psalmists, Job, Jeremiah, Jesus, and Paul remember face-to-face with Christ through “candor and complaint/lament.” In biblical candor, we’re honest with ourselves regarding our past and present. In biblical complaint/lament, we’re honest with God regarding our past and present.

Rather than attempting to forget, we are to bring to mind past external events and our current internal thoughts and feelings and bring them to Christ. As I put it in the book, “No grieving, no healing. Know grieving, know healing.” Reflecting on our past is our admission to ourselves and God that we can’t handle our past on our own, that we desperately need Christ.

Repent, Receive Grace, Renew

When our memories of the past relate to our past sin, Christ’s soul-u-tion is to remember, repent, and receive grace. “Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first” (Rev. 2:5).

In Psalms 32 and 51, David models remembering, repenting, receiving grace, and renewing his life by God’s Spirit. Rather than trying the impossible and sinful mental activity of suppressing the memory of his sin, David recalls to mind his sin against God. He repents deeply not only of behavioral sin, but of heart motivational sin.

Having repented, David receives grace—he accepts God’s gracious forgiveness and prays for shalom—a conscience at peace with the God of peace. He then prays that the Spirit would renew a right spirit within him so that he could turn from his path of sin (put off) and return to the path of righteousness (put on).

Reinterpret

But what do we do with our emotional agony when we remember past suffering—being sinned against? God’s Word is clear. We never forget, we re-member.

Think about that word: re-member. To put our memories back together again, to shape our memories through God’s eternal grid.

In God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I use the life of Joseph to portray how God wants us to remember and then reinterpret our past with spiritual eyes. There I call it “weaving.”

In Genesis 50:20 and 45:4-8, Joseph refuses to forget. He calls to mind his suffering past with these words. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

In the Hebrew, the word “intended” can be used in a physical sense for weaving together a tapestry, such as Joseph’s coat of many colors. It can be used in the metaphysical sense in a negative way for weaving together an evil scheme or plot, such as Joseph’s brothers did. Or, it can be used in a positive sense of God weaving together good out of evil.

How do we deal with our past suffering? We look at life with spiritual eyes by bringing to bear God’s eternal narrative, spiritual 20/20 vision, and larger story perspective. Weaving is re-membering—to create wholeness using God’s perspective to bring meaning to our suffering.

That’s how, like Joseph, we find hope when we’re hurting. That’s how, like Joseph, we grant forgiveness to those who have caused our suffering. In so doing we can say, “I grieve, but I don’t despair.”

Retell

Being human involves shaping our personal experiences into stories or narratives. That’s part of our God-given capacity of memory. We shape our sense of self and who we are in Christ from our retelling of our experiences.

As spiritual friends, it is when we listen carefully and compassionately to one another’s most important stories that we gain access to how our friends are attempting to make sense of themselves in the context of their past experiences. Our one-to-one relationships and our small group meetings should be places where we retell our stories.

In God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, I discuss how the retelling process moves us from “weaving” to “worshipping.” In worshipping we are committed to finding God even when we can’t find answers. We are committed to knowing God more than knowing relief from our past. We worship God by retelling our stories like Joseph did—in a way that honors and glorifies God and His role in redeeming our past (see Genesis 45:4-8).

There is no power in forgetting our past. God doesn’t want us to pretend. Of all people, as Christians we must be the most honest about our past. We must remember, reflect, repent/receive/renew, reinterpret, and retell.

Resources

Two biblical counseling resources that I think you will find helpful in dealing with your past are:

• God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting by Bob Kellemen.

• Putting Your Past in Its Place: Moving Forward in Freedom and Forgiveness by Steve Viars.

Join the Conversation

What is your biblical answer to the question, “Should I try to forget my past?”

Putting Your Past in Its Place

Book Details

• Author: Stephen Viars, D.Min.

• Publisher: Harvest House (February 2011) (248 Pages)

• Category: Biblical Counseling, Christian Living

• ISBN: 978-0-7369-2739-0

• Retail Price: $12.99

• Reviewer: Bob Kellemen

Biblical “Balance”

Christians who attempt to address the crucial topic of the past tend toward extremes. At times, we fall into the trap of “the past is everything” mindset. We blame our past and use it as an excuse. At other times, we careen to the opposite extreme of “the past is nothing.” We rip out of context and misapply Paul’s words about forgetting the things which are behind (Philippians 3:1-15).

In Putting Your Past in Its Place, Pastor Steve Viars avoids both extremes. As he notes:

“Both extremes are problematic for students of Scripture. If the past is nothing, then why did God create us with the ability to remember? Why are we instructed, for example, to not let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians 4:26) if today isn’t going to effect tomorrow? But the past is everything view is equally troubling. The Scripture does not encourage us to view ourselves as helpless victims whose choices today are outside our ability to understand or change” (p. 18).

Viars then spends a complete chapter developing a “theology of the past.” With that foundation laid, the rest of Putting Your Past in Its Place is a practical theology of what the Bible teaches about how we deal with our past scripturally.

Suffering and Sin

The modern biblical counseling movement at times has emphasized the confrontation of sin, somewhat to the neglect of comfort for suffering. Viars addresses both by helping readers to organize their past into their innocent past (suffering) and their guilty past (sin). He then delineates between whether we handled our past well or poorly.

The rest of the book treks with readers through the four categories of:

• The “Innocent Past” (suffering) when you Responded Well: You were sinned against, but did not sin in return. Respond now with “Authentic Suffering.”

• The “Innocent Past” (suffering) when you Responded Poorly: You were sinned against, but your response displeased God. Respond now with “Humble Analysis.”

• The “Guilty Past” (sin) when you Responded Well: You blew it, but then acknowledged your failure and handled matters appropriately. Respond now with “Joyful Remembrance.”

• The “Guilty Past” (sin) when you Responded Poorly: You sinned and then took additional steps that displeased God further. Respond now with “Honest Self-Confrontation.”

Viars is anything but naïve. So immediately after introducing these four categories, he explains:

“It is okay if your ‘baloney detector’ is going off right about now. I am not suggesting that the Bible teaches these four categories in some sort of absolute and rigid fashion. Rather, these categories help us to clarify what happened and how we responded. That, in turn, helps us to know what biblical principles to apply” (p. 67).

Viars spends three chapters on “authentic suffering” and dealing with our innocent past. He emphasizes biblical principles of facing it honestly, biblically, hopefully, and missionally. He develops “humble analysis” and dealing with our guilty past in two chapters. Here he encourages readers to ponder six diagnostic questions to discern how to respond today to one’s guilty past.

The three chapters on “joyful remembrance” help readers to respond to their guilty past when they handled their sin biblically. Here Viars focuses on what to do when we do not feel forgiven and when we continually rehearse our failures. The two chapters on “honest self-confrontation” teach how to handle our guilty past when we responded unbiblically. Here Viars helps readers to address heart issues and patterns rather than focusing on symptoms, while also directing readers to their only hope—rejoicing in the forgiveness of our Redeemer.

Real-Life Narratives

At first glance, these four categories might imply something of a mechanical approach. Nothing could be further from the truth. Throughout Putting Your Past in Its Place, what shines through is Viars’ decades of experience as a pastor and biblical counselor working with real people with real issues. His creative illustrations, engaging stories, personal examples, weaving in of Jill’s story, real-life testimonials, and questions for personal reflection and group discussion all result in the most reader-friendly counseling book you’ll ever find.

Viars has devoted his life and ministry to helping others change—biblically. Putting Your Past in Its Place is the result of that lifelong ministry. Whether you’re struggling with the process of change related to past suffering or to past sin, this book provides the seasoned, compassionate, pastoral, hope-filled, biblical wisdom you need.

While I highly recommend Putting Your Past in Its Place for the person in the pew, I’m also convinced that it will be a theory-altering, practice-changing book for pastors and biblical counselors. Viars models the sufficiency of Scripture for everyday life like no one I have read. Pastors and counselors can learn from him not only how to help their parishioners and counselees to deal with the past, but even more, how to view and use the Scriptures to develop a theology and methodology for dealing with any life issue.

In an era when our resources seem at times to bounce between theology unrelated to life and self-help manuals not grounded in God’s truth, Putting Your Past in Its Place is a breath of fresh air. The “sufficiency of Scripture” has become something of a buzz word in biblical counseling—used at times without definition or real-life descriptions. By grounding his practical theology in a biblical theology of the past, Viars models a robust, relational, real-world approach to the sufficiency of Scripture. He shows that God’s Word is relevant to all of life, and offers uniquely profound insights for living.

Note: This review first appeared at the Gospel Coalition Book Review site. Read it there at Putting Your Past in Its Place.

Five to Live By

Linking you to the top 5 Christian blog posts of the week—posts that provide robust, rich, and relevant insights for living.

How Do You Respond to Disappointment?

Jay Adams pens a candid, powerful prayer simply titled Disappointment. 

How Do You Use God’s Word to Minister to the Suffering?

Paul Tautges has begun a four-part series on counseling one another in times of suffering: Reasons to Counsel from Lamentations.

How Do You Give Thanks in Everything?

Margaret Ashmore blogs for the Association of Biblical Counselors. In this post she encourages us to live a life of thankfulness: Gratitude: The Language of Heaven.

How Do You Change from a Whiner to a Worshipper?

Scott Smith pens a Prayer for Whining Times. 

How Do You Minister to Those Who Hate You?

How is a pastor to minister to people in his church who hate him? Brian Croft asks and begins to answer that difficult, real-life question in: Is a Pastor To Shepherd Those Who Despise Him in His Church?

Join the Conversation 

Which post impacted you the most? Why? What blog posts have you enjoyed this week that you want to share with others?

Five to Live By: Hope When You’re Hurting 

Linking you to the top 5 Christian blog posts of the week—posts that provide robust, rich, and relevant insights for living. This week’s theme centers around finding hope when you’re hurting. 

Still Sensitive to the Touch    

What do we do with pain that is still sensitive to the touch? Sandra People’s provides an inspiring brief-but-powerful-and-practical quote from Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Reflect on her words at Drop the Full Weight of It at His Feet.

After a Long Silence

Wendy Alsup blogs at Practical Theology for Women. She’s well worth reading for women and for men. Today’s post has a fancy title, but is user-friendly for all those suffering during the silence of God: Counterintuitive Words of Comfort.

Groaning for a Good King

Part of God’s plan and purpose in suffering in this life is to prompt us to groan for the life to come—and for the coming King. In light of all the focus on “the Royal Wedding,” Mike Cosper reflects on Longing and Looking for a Good King.

Though Dead, His Life Still Speaks

Pastor C. J. Mahaney has a fascinating blog post this week—he interviews a dead guy! Mahaney takes a letter by John Newton about spiritual depression and turns it into an interview. Read Newton’s wisdom in Spiritual Depression: An Interview with John Newton.

Even in the Darkest Times

Finding solid Christian music—with lyrics that feed the soul and musical quality that soothes the soul—is tremendously difficult. The Christian band, Joy Eternal, has a new release based upon John Piper’s A Sweet and Bitter Providence. View their intriguing video about hope for the hurting in Joy Eternal: A Sweet and Bitter Providence.

Join the Conversation

Which post impacted you the most? Why? What blog posts have you enjoyed this week that you want to share with others?

Quotes of Note on Suffering and Comfort

Note: I’ve taken the following quotes of note from God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting. These are my personal favorites that most impact my own life. Feel free to use them in your life and ministry.

“When tragedy strikes, we enter a crisis of faith. We either move toward God or away from God.”

“There is no human experience which cannot be put on the anvil of a lively relationship with God and man, and battered into a meaningful shape.”

“Christianity doesn’t in any way lessen suffering. It enables you to take it, to face it, to work through it, and eventually convert it.”

“God’s Word empowers us not to evade suffering, but to face suffering face-to-face with God.”

“In suffering, God is not getting back at you; He is getting you back to Himself.”

“Shared sorrow is endurable sorrow.”

“No grieving; no healing. Know grieving; know healing.”

“We live in a fallen world and it often falls on us.”

“The world is a mess and it messes with our minds.”

“Spiritual friendship with God results in 20/20 spiritual vision from God.”

“To deny or diminish suffering is to arrogantly refuse to be humbled. It is to reject dependence upon God.”

“Crying out to God empties us so there is more room in us for God.”

“Faith does not demand the removal of suffering; faith desires endurance in suffering.”

“Faith understands that what can’t be cured, can be endured.”

“Comfort experiences the presence of God in the presence of suffering—a presence that empowers me to survive scars and plants the seed of hope that I will yet thrive.”

“In this life, your scar may not go away, but neither will His. He understands. He cares. He’s there.”

“Spiritual emergencies can produce spiritual emergence.”

“Faith looks back to the past recalling God’s mighty works. Hope looks ahead remembering God’s coming reward.”

“In Christ, loss is never final. Christ’s resurrection is the first-fruit of every resurrection.”

“When we wait on God, we cling to God’s rope of hope, even when we can’t see it.”

“Hope waits. Hope is the refusal to demand heaven now.”

“Waiting is refusing to take over while refusing to give up. Waiting refuses self-rescue.”

“In Christ, we move from victims to victors.”

“God is a ‘time God.’ He does not come before time. He does not come after time. He comes at just the right time.”

“Faith is entrusting myself to God’s larger purposes, good plans, and eternal perspective.”

“Faith is seeing life with spiritual eyes instead of eyeballs only.”

“Through faith, I look at suffering, not with rose colored glasses, but with faith eyes, with Cross-eyes, with 20/20 spiritual vision.”

“Instead of our perspective shrinking, suffering is the exact time when we must listen most closely, when we must lean over to hear the whisper of God.”

“True, God shouts to us in our pain, but His answers, as with Elijah, often come to us in whispered still small voices amid the thunders of the world.”

“God’s eternal, heavenly story doesn’t obliterate my earthly, painful story; it gives it meaning.”

“Grace math teaches us that present suffering plus God’s character equals future glory. The equation we use is the Divine perspective.”

“Worship is wanting God more than wanting relief.”

“Worship is finding God even when you don’t find answers.”

“Worship is walking with God in the dark and having Him as the light of your soul.”

“Every problem is an opportunity to know God better, and our primary battle is to know God well.”

“Problems can either shove us far from God or drag us kicking and screaming closer to Him.”

Join the Conversation

Which quotes are your personal favorites? Which ones most impact you? What other quotes bring you comfort and encouragement during times of suffering?

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses Video Book Trailer 

When life’s losses invade your world, learn how to face suffering face-to-face with God with God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting.

Learn more about God’s Healing for Life’s Losses as you enjoy the video book trailer where I share about:

• Who should read God’s Healing for Life’s Losses—Hint: anyone who has ever suffered any loss.

• How God’s Healing for Life’s Losses is a very personal book for me

• The main message of the book

• How the book addresses all types of losses in life

Watch the video on our RPM Ministries YouTube Channel.

Visit our God’s Healing for Life’s Losses page to read a free sample chapter and learn how you can order an autographed copy of God’s Healing at 35% off.