5 Biblical Counseling Sustaining Skills: GRACE, Part 1

Note: I’ve developed the follow post from my book Spiritual Friends. In Spiritual Friends, I equip readers for the four-fold one-another ministry of:

• Sustaining: It’s Normal to Hurt—Climbing in the Casket

• Healing: It’s Possible to Hope—Celebrating the Empty Tomb

• Reconciling: It’s Horrible to Sin, But Wonderful to Be Forgiven—Speaking the Truth in Love

• Guiding: It’s Supernatural to Mature—Stirring Up the Gift of God

In this current blog series, we’ll learn five biblical counseling and one-another skills of sustaining by using the acronym GRACE.

• G—Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6

• R—Rich Soul Empathizing: Romans 12:15

• A—Accurate/Active Spiritual Listening: John 2:23-4:43

• C—Caring Spiritual Conversations: Ephesians 4:29

• E—Empathetic Scriptural Explorations: Isaiah 61:1-3

Grace Connecting: Committed Involvement—Proverbs 27:6

Grace connecting involves communion through communication. You have love in your heart for your spiritual friends. Do they know that? Can they feel it? Do they experience you? Grace connecting allows your passionate love to powerfully touch your spiritual friend.

Putting “grace” before connecting, reflects:

• The Source of True Connection—Christ’s Mercy: Christ’s generous, undeserved love for us is the spring from which our generous, often mutual, sometimes undeserved, love flows to one another.

• The Nature of True Connection—The Spirit’s Generous Sharing: The Spirit’s fruit in us is the nourishment we offer others in their time of suffering. Connection is gift-giving; giving away the fruit the Spirit grows in us. We want to be friendly neighbors who perform all the hard work of mulching, fertilizing, tilling, weeding, watering, and harvesting; and then freely share our bumper crop of ripe, delicious fruit with all our neighbors.

• The Power of Connecting—The Father’s Influence: The grace of God teaches us to say, “No!” to ungodliness and, “Yes!” to our heavenly Father. When we freely share the attractive fruit of the Spirit, then others are influenced for Christ. “So that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive. For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say, ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives” (Titus 2:10-12).

Defining Grace Connecting: Proverbs 27:6; 20:30

What is grace connecting? Let’s start with what grace connecting is not.

Grace Connecting Is Not

• A Warm Feeling: “Boy, I feel neat when I’m with you.” Spiritual friendship is not always a pleasant experience.

• Sweetness: Merely reflecting and mirroring whatever your spiritual friend says. Non-directive acceptance of everything, including sin.

• A Stage in Counseling: “We’ll do connecting today and then drop it.”

• A Technique in Counseling: “Crying 101.” “Three steps to really caring.”

What Grace Connecting Is: Incarnation

Grace connection is personal involvement with a deep commitment to the maturity of another person.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” Solomon teaches in Proverbs 27:6 (KJV). “Wounds” are a splitting apart as a doctor does for surgery, an exposure. You enter the ER and say, “Doctor, my chest and the right side of my body are killing me!” You don’t want him to simply be sweet. “That must be really hard for you.” You want him to be skillful, competent—able to diagnose and treat your ailment. So, too, with spiritual friendship. You want to be able to compassionately diagnose heart issues, pulling open the soul and peering deeply inside.

“Faithful” means to support, to bear, to be trustworthy. Alonzo, facing the diagnosis of inoperable cancer, wants to be able to say about you, “I trust you with my soul.” “Faithful” also means to be strong, stable. Alonzo wants to know that his words will not overwhelm you. Touch you deeply, yes. Overwhelm you, no. As his wounds are opened, he wants to know that they will not make you faint, that you will not think less of him.

“Friend” literally means “one who loves you, lover.” The Scriptures use the same word in 2 Chronicles 20:7, calling Abraham God’s “forever friend.” Think of God’s grace relationship with Abraham—encounter, intimacy, fellowship, accountability, fidelity, stability—and you will picture grace connecting.

Proverbs 20:30 speaks of deep commitment to maturity. “Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.” “Cleanse” means to rub, to polish, to grind and buff repeatedly. Picture waxing your car, cleaning your silver. That’s hard work requiring time, effort, and commitment. Alonzo wants to know that you will use all your resources to help him in his time of need. Connection means that you are committed to Alonzo’s growth even when it hurts him and you.

What Grace Connecting Requires: Romans 5:6-8

Grace connection requires exposure without rejection, truth with relationship, curiosity rather than analysis, and face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism.

Christ models exposure without rejection in Romans 5:6-8. “While we were yet sinners” (exposure). “Christ died for us” (acceptance). Grace connection communicates, “I see you warts and all, and I still love you, accept you, like you, and move toward you.”

Paul models truth with relationship in Ephesians 4:15. He tells us that the essence of pastoral care involves speaking and living out the truth in love. Consider possible ways to do ministry:

• Truth Minus Relationship: Intimidation/Compliance

• Relationship Minus Truth: Indecision/Confusion

• Truth Plus Relationship: Internalization/Conformity to Christ

Jesus models curiosity versus analysis. At the end of John 2, John notes that Jesus knew all people universally and deeply. Yet, he did not allow his full knowledge to blind him to the uniqueness of individuals. Following John 2, Jesus engages two of the most diverse individuals imaginable: the Jewish male moral religious leader and the Samaritan female immoral irreligious follower. Reread both accounts and you’ll see his respect for each. His probing curiosity. His unique interactions and involvement.

Analysis views your spiritual friend as “a specimen” to be dissected, analyzed, and studied. Curiosity sees your spiritual friend as an image bearer to be experienced, a mystery to enter, and a soul to know.

We would all do well to tape the following prayer somewhere in our “counseling” office. Or better, somewhere in our soul. The Spiritual Friend’s Prayer:

“Dear Lord, Help me to approach every relationship as an audience with an eternally valuable human being.” 

In John 3-4, Jesus models face-to-face relating instead of back-to-back professionalism. He enters their individual worlds. He goes where they are, both geographically and soulfully. He becomes a cartographer of their soul, exploring their personal terrain.

With the woman at the well, in particular, he exposes his humanness. He’s authentic, open, vulnerable, and honest. He connects, touches, and moves toward. He’s anything but surface, fake, phony, uncaring, and distancing.

The Rest of the Story 

Return for Part 2 where we learn How to Build a Connected GRACE Relationship.

Join the Conversation

How could you live out the core truth of GRACE relationships: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6)?

RPM Ministries: Equipping You to Change Lives with Christ’s Changeless Truth