A Word from Bob

This series became my book, Consider Your Counsel: Addressing Ten Mistakes in Our Biblical Counseling. For free resources related to the book, and to purchase a copy on sale, go here.

You’re reading Part 1 of a 10-part blog series on 10 Common Mistakes Biblical Counselors Sometimes Make. This list is in no particular order of “importance.” Nor is this list attempting to say everything that could be said about the essence of biblical counseling. For more on biblical counseling theology, see Gospel-Centered Counseling. For more on biblical counseling methodology, see Gospel-Conversations.

Even “seasoned” biblical counselors can make these mistakes. I make these mistakes—and I’ve been providing biblical counseling for 35 years and I’ve been equipping biblical counselors for 30 years. So, the title is not meant to be a judgement on a movement. Instead, the title is meant to encourage all of us to continue to grow. I’ve even thought about alternative titles such as: 10 Helpful Considerations for Every Biblical Counselor. Or, 10 Questions to Self-Assess My Biblical Counseling. Or, 10 Ways to Enrich and Mature Our Biblical Counseling. I’ve developed these particular 10 “mistakes” by noting and collating themes and patterns that I’ve detected as I’ve equipped and supervised well over 1,000 biblical counselors—pastors, lay leaders, and students.

Mistake #1: We Elevate Data Collection Above Soul Connection

The modern biblical counseling movement does a fine job at data collection. We’ve been accurately taught to heed the wisdom of Proverbs 18:13 and James 1:19:

“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13).

“Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19).

We wisely use our PIF—Personal Information Forms—where we collect pages of information and reams of data about our counselee. All of that is very good, healthy, helpful, and wise. Let’s continue to collect data.

Soul Connection Is Theological 

And yet…people are not car engines we fix by reading a mechanic’s manual. People are not computers we treat by reading the operator’s guide.

People are image bearers (Genesis 1:26-28). We are bearers of the relational image of our God who exists in eternal, Triune community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Word was and is eternally with God in intimate face-to-face communion (John 1:1-18). Adam—while in perfect communion in a perfect garden with a perfect God—still was alone and needing the companionship of Eve (Genesis 2:18).

Soul connection in counseling is theological because God designed us to relate intimately to Him and to one another. Counseling that stops at data collection is not biblical counseling.

Data collection without soul connection can end up treating image bearers like lab specimens to be analyzed and dissected. It can end up being aloof, impersonal, professional, and uncaring—and even un-Christlike.

Soul Connection Is Biblical: Paul Models It Consistently 

So what are we to do instead of stopping at data collection? We are to pursue soul connection—like the Apostle Paul did in his ministry to people—to image bearers.

Ponder just a few samplers from Paul’s relational ministry…

“We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:8). (Paul models sharing Scripture and soul.)

“My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you” (Galatians 4:19). (Paul models the intensity and intimacy of personal ministry.)

“We were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children…. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worthy of God” (1 Thessalonians 2:7, 11-12). (Paul models the family and community nature of personal ministry.)

“To this end [context of personal ministry] I labor, struggling with all his energy which so powerfully works in me. I want you to know how much I am struggling for you…” (Colossians 1:29-2:1). (Paul models intensity and intimacy of personal ministry.)

“We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also” (2 Corinthians 6:11-13). (Paul models heart and soul relationship in the personal ministry of the Word.)

Soul Connection Is Historical: Church History Models It Consistently 

Octavia Albert knew something about suffering and about comforting others in their suffering. Albert was an ex-enslaved college-educated African American pastor’s wife living in Louisiana. In the 1870s, she ministered to many other ex-enslaved men and women by recording their stories of suffering. One of those individuals was Charlotte Brooks. Of Brooks, Albert writes:

“It was in the fall of 1879 that I met Charlotte Brooks…. I have spent hours with her listening to her telling of her sad life of bondage in the cane-fields of Louisiana.”^[i]

If we would do what Albert did, then we would be miles ahead in our biblical counseling: spend hours listening to sad stories. Rather than simply collecting data, we enter the situation and soul of another person as we listen compassionately to their story.

As we listen to our friends’ earthly stories we need to empathize with them in their story. Empathy is not some secular Trojan Horse. It is a biblical word and a scriptural

concept. Think of the word: em-pathos: to enter the pathos or the passion of another, to allow another person’s agony to become your agony, to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15).

Notice how Octavia Albert allowed Charlotte Brooks’ agony to become her own.

“Poor Charlotte Brooks! I can never forget how her eyes were filled with tears when she would speak of all her children: ‘Gone, and no one to care for me!’”^[ii]

Like Octavia Albert, as we listen and collect data, we connect soul to soul, human being to human being, image bearer to image bearer, sufferer to sufferer.

Not only must we feel what another person feels, we need to express and communicate that we “get it,” we feel it, we hurt too. Consider how Octavia Albert does so with Aunt Charlotte.

“Aunt Charlotte, my heart throbs with sympathy, and my eyes are filled with tears, whenever I hear you tell of the trials of yourself and others.”^[iii]

What she modeled in 1879, the Church has long called “compassionate commiseration.” Co-passion: to share the passionate feelings of another. Co-misery: to partner in the misery of your friend.

Soul Connection Is Scriptural: God Commands It of Us 

Paul commands every member of the body of Christ to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). We are to embody truth in the context of an agape sacrificial, intimate, caring, connected relationship.

Paul prays for us that our “love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight” (Philippians 1:9). The heartbeat of Scripture always beats to the rhythm of truth and love, of Scripture and soul, of truth and grace, of wisdom and relationship.

The Holy Spirit sovereignly combined the members of the body of Christ “so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it” (1 Corinthians 12:25-26).

Assessing Our Biblical Counseling 

1. In our biblical counseling, would people say of us, “I felt like a soul to be heard, known, understood, and cared about”? Or, would they say of us, “I felt like a specimen to be probed, dissected, examined, and diagnosed”?

2. In our biblical counseling, would people say of us, “She loves me like a tender, gentle mother”? “He loves me like an encouraging, comforting father”?

3. Would the people we counsel say of us, “They share Scripture and soul”? “They model intensity and intimacy”? “They relate like a family and a community”? “They share heart and soul”?

4. In our biblical counseling, how richly and compassionately are we empathizing with the situation and soul of our brothers and sisters in Christ?

The Rest of the Story 

I invite you to join us later this week for Part 2:

Mistake #2: We Share God’s Eternal Story Before We Listen to Our Friend’s Earthly Story.

[i]Octavia Albert, The House of Bondage, 2.

[ii]Ibid., 15.

[iii]Ibid., 28-29.